Let’s Just Be Friends

Oh dating. Aren’t you fun? I mean, as bad as you suck for us ladies… you must really suck for guys. Hey fellas, how many times have you heard, “I really like you… as a friend“? What the *#%#?

After countless dinners, flowers, opening doors, and sweet nothings… you get just that: Nothing. So, what is it that takes a guy from “just a friend” to “my future baby’s daddy”?

• Sad as it is, we love bad boys. I discussed this with our fantastic interns today. They are seniors at USC and still lovin’ those boys you wouldn’t take home to mama. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a gentleman, but there’s a fine line between gentile and doormat. Tread lightly.
• Just like girls can be overzealous and clingy, guys can be too. You know how much you like that cat and mouse game of playing hard to get? We like it too. Don’t blow up my inbox and don’t keep calling til I answer.
• “Going Dutch.” (Also know as being a cheap @**hole). If you split the bill, she’s gonna split. Period. Done. Goodbye.
• If you share a bed and there is no type of contact, she now thinks of you like her gay bff. As far as she’s concerned… you’re gay (and there’s NO coming back from that). We get you’re trying to be polite, but at least attempt to cop a feel.
• Talking about “your feelings.” That’s our job. Stop trying to steal the show. Shut up and crush a beer can on your head.
• Wearing more makeup or hair products than we do. Um,  yeah… We don’t like to share our mascara (it’s unsanitary).
• Do not under any circumstances, high five me, chest bump me, or “pound fists” with me.

By avoiding all of the above, you may actually have a shot in hell with the lady of your dreams. Check, please!

xx,

WhyDid

Bamboozle 101

Have you ever heard of the “bait and switch?”  You know, you’re promised one thing and somehow end up with something completely different. This can  happen in with “As Seen on TV” situations as well as your own personal dating life. Guys have all types of tricks up their sleeves, therefore, it is important to be alert. This little ditty is going to be both a blessing and a curse. For the ladies, heed this as a warning. For the gentlemen, you’re welcome. Now you have new and creative ways to pull the wool over your lady’s eyes (unless, of course, your gf reads WhyDid… and if she doesn’t, she probably deserves it).

All That Sparkles…

While jewelry shopping one fine day, the very knowledgeable woman working at the store informed me of a little trick that men sometimes play. As you are (or should be) well aware, diamonds are very expensive. Well, have no fear: white sapphires very, very closely resemble diamonds. So much so, that to an untrained eye, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them even when they are sitting side by side. So guess what? Cubic zirconia is not your only enemy now, ladies. The young woman in the store told me that many of her male clients purchase these as a cheap substitute for their lady friends. So those diamonds in your ears? It’s bullshit.

Real or fake?

Don’t Judge a Gift by Its Box

Going right along with the good ol’ sapphire switch is the box switch. This is pretty elementary. Some girls are only concerned with where something comes from. For instance, simply seeing a Tiffany’s box will make some girls panties drop. They are so excited about the fancy wrapping that they forget to notice the jenky piece of tinfoil inside. That new heart pendant necklace of yours? It’s bullshit.

Table for Two

Have you ever received an invitation to a group dinner from a guy you know only to show up and find that it is a quiet cozy table for two? Weird. Everyone canceled last minute! Hate when that happens. Congrats, you get to spend the next ninety plus minutes coming up with small talk for a “date” you didn’t agree to. So next time you’re invited to dinner “with a bunch of friends?” It’s bullshit.

Step Into My Cubicle

Wow, your bf sure does spend a lot of time on his Blackberry! Don’t worry though! He’s really just doing work. Very, very important work that MUST be addressed during your romantic dinner date. How is he going to be able to take you to nice places and afford you all these luxuries if he doesn’t work so hard? Jen, Julie, and Jessica are all just girls he works with. Don’t worry!! Next time your man explains why his Bberry needs to accompany your crudite on the table? Check, please. It’s bullshit.

Destination Unknown

So, your man informs you that he’s going on a little weekend trip with his buddies. Where are they going? Golf trip to Palm Springs? Ski trip in Utah? No, no, wine tasting in Vermont. Wait. What? Is your man gay? If he’s not, this is code (read: red alert) that he and his buddy are taking a trip with some ladies… who aren’t you. Some quiet bonding time with the fellas in Catalina? It’s bullshit.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

The new box of condoms, the strand of hair that is neither your color nor length, the random pink toothbrush, and the Fage yogurt in the fridge is not his maid’s, his sister’s, his friend Paul’s or his. Guys forget how observant we, as women, are. I remember noticing that Scrabble had been moved from its normal spot on the shelf when I had been out of town. Some other bitch was spelling words and spilling wine. Oops! If it’s not yours and he doesn’t even have a sister… It’s bullshit.

So, if your man presents you with one of the above scenarios, kindly pat him on the head, ask him to try again, and let him know this isn’t your first time at the rodeo.

xx,

WhyDid

Come One, Come All

** Warning: R rated material. Dad, you probably wanna go ahead and skip this one.

So, I’ve had full on arguments about this before. Guys are apparently clueless when it comes to the female anatomy and the big O. I’ve been so annoyed that I’ve literally had to hang up the phone or leave the room. Guys sure do have a lot of nerve thinking they know more about what’s going on with our equipment than we do.

What’s the problem you ask? It seems that most guys out there think that we ladies are coming left and right when having sex. Au contraire mon frere. Just because we make a squeak or a sigh here and there does not mean that you’ve just hit our jackpot. If you did, trust me, you’d know. Don’t believe me? (of course you don’t). Here are the facts:

About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. – ABC News

Read it and weep, fellas. Just intercourse alone isn’t going to do the trick for most ladies. We need a little extra attention in our nether regions to get things going. And don’t you DARE look at us like it’s our fault when the fountain doesn’t overflow. I’ve had a guy legitimately ask me if I’m just not capable like I’m the one with the problem. This proves to be very frustrating for women. We don’t want to disappoint you, but at the same time, we don’t want to be disappointed either. It’s a team effort, folks. The sooner guys come to terms with this, the sooner we’ll all be satisfied customers.

I have a couple of girlfriends who are in that freaky percentage of women who can get off from good ol’ fashion sex (lucky bitches), but as for the rest, they’ve either had to incorporate some helpful toys or become incredibly vocal about what exactly is or isn’t working.

That being said, I’ve met plenty of guys who are under the impression that ALL of the girls they’ve been with have been screaming their praises. Guess what all those girls were? Liars. Big. Fat. Liars. Hey, girls? Why are you faking it? You gals are totes effing things up for the rest of us. Now, Mr. Hotshot thinks he knows what he’s doing and I’m suffering through some wonktastic jackrabbit sex…Again. Ugh.

I’m hoping this will clear the air while simultaneously deflating a few egos leading us all to a much more fulfilling sex life. For the time being, I’m probs just better off with my pal, rabbit.

Happy Hump Day!

xx,

WhyDid

Hold Your Tongue.

Hey- this one’s for you, guys. Yeah, I know there are guys sneaking on and reading this. Don’t act like you’re not.  It’s come to my attention that a lot of you have diarrhea of the mouth and are scaring the ladies off before you even get a chance to ask for those digits. Since, the weather is starting to get nice and the ladies are coming out of hiding, I’m going to give you a few pointers so that you don’t spend your summer sad and lonely.

Here are a few things that are sure to get a fork in your eye if you utter them to your lady friend:

• “Don’t you know who I am?’ – Well, sir, if you have to actually ask, no, I don’t know who you are (nor do I really care).
• “You look tired.” – This is basically the same thing as telling us that we look like shit. Smooth move.
• “Is that what you’re wearing?” – Don’t. Just don’t. The only man who’s allowed to say this to us is our gay bff.
• “Are you going to eat all that?” – Um, don’t mind if I do. Wasn’t aware I was on Celebrity Fit Club. This is the fastest way to give your gf an eating disorder and some serious insecurities.
• “How many people have you been with?” – Why don’t you go ahead and mind your business? You’re never going to get an honest answer… just like we’re never going to get one from you. So just leave it alone.
• “I forgot my wallet.” SHUT UP. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
• “She’s just a friend.” Liar. You may as well carry a fire extinguisher with you, cause you’re pants are on FIRE.
• And last but, most definitely not least: Don’t make false promises. Girls, as my friend, JT would say, “Don’t give up the ass until you see the cash.” Pretty wise advice. In my few years living in NY, I’ve been promised a record deal (um, not kidding), vacations, presents, jobs, etc. I’ve seen about a 5% return on these. (Obvi the record deal never happened seeing as my singing voice resembles that of a cat getting neutered). Fellas, don’t offer it up unless you’re ready to deliver. Ladies, there is NO such thing as a free lunch.

So, the next time you feel the onslaught of verbal suicide, just refer to these guidelines to save yourself from a lifetime of solitude.

xx,

WhyDid

Jean Therapy

Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

• Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
• Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
• Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
• Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
• Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

Levi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

Love is in the Air… Is That What Smells?

As WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady has already mentioned, Valentine’s Day is amateur night. However, you will most likely be forced into participating in some way, shape, or form. So you may as well get that shopping out of the way and come up with something creative to make the whole production less painful for yourself and respective parties.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again: interesting gifts for your flavor of the week…

For Him:

Ladies, let’s be serious, he doesn’t care if you get him a new pair of cufflinks or a cuddly teddy bear. He paid for dinner and would now like some sweet affection for dessert. You’re getting off easy as far as I’m concerned (no pun intended).

One of my favorite things in the world is pretty lingerie.  You are already aware of my affinity for costumes and that doesn’t stop in the bedroom.  Men are visual creatures, so give him something to stare at (before he tears you to pieces).

Carol Malony Polka Party Panty, $52

That’s a present he’ll enjoy unwrapping. (Please disregard the model’s Lee Press-on’s and bizarre belly button. Ick.)

Not at the “pants off dance off” stage? Why don’t you really send him for a loop by picking up the check at dinner? A sexy way to do so is slip your waiter/waitress your card while on your way to the bathroom.

C’mon, girls, please cut it out with the collages, love notes, and stage 5 clinger type presents. They are totally lost on guys. The only thing you’re going to get in return are ignored phone calls and canceled dates.  Men like a few things (in no particular order): sports, red meat, sex, and beer.  Stick with those and you may find yourself with a date after Valentine’s Day.

For Her:

Guys suck at buying presents. I know this because I’ve received quite a few doozies in my day.  I know there is a small percentage of you out there who don’t, but the majority of your testosterone filled pals have spoiled the bunch. Whether it be a giftcard or a heinous piece of jewelry, please pay attention in order to avoid a mid-February arctic blast.

Again, some guidelines of what not to do to tick your girl off. You already know I’ve advised her to get some skimpy knickers for later, so you don’t want to miss out on those because you couldn’t pull it together and get a decent gift, do you? That’s what I thought.

One of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever received was actually not from a guy at all. WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady really outdid herself this year for my birthday.  She got me a beautiful silver box and inside are 52 little pieces of paper. Each one has a reason on it why she loves me. (One a week, in case you suck at math like me).  I look forward to opening them every week.

Too mushy gushy?

Buy her something red… as in red soled. There isn’t one girl on planet earth who wouldn’t appreciate a pair of Christian Louboutins (if you are that girl, what are you doing reading this?). This is 99.9% effective in panties dropping.  Trust me, a pair of nice shoes will get you much further than any cheesy Hallmark moment.

Something sparkly also usually does the trick. (This does not include rhinestones or anything from Ed Hardy). There’s a reason they say, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Why don’t I just make this easier for you and compile a list of DON’T’s?:

• Perfume- you’re going to get it wrong. It’s our job, let us pick out our own.
• Chocolate- do you want a fat girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
• Any sort of stuffed animal- are you a pedophile? I ask because the only girl who would appreciate this is still in highschool.
• Hanky Panky rose thong- I saw this on E!’s gift guide and nearly lost it. You buy me one of these and I’m going to stick it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
• Red roses- we’ve already covered this.
• Anything from Kay’s, Jared’s, or Zales. Cut the crap.

The most important part of this day is quality time.  Be available, be kind.  A handwritten card also never hurts. Listen, I’m just trying to help you out. Despite my tone, I love love, but a bad VDay showing could leave you alone and lonely. While I may be home popping chocolates in my mouth with a glass of red and my rabbit, I do wish the rest of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

xx,

WhyDid

Carol Malony, Christian Louboutin, Hanky Panky, Kirsten Smith, Valentine's Gifts, WhyDidYouWearThat

Icebreakers

As I’ve mentioned before, winter is the perfect time for coupling up.  So I have decided to go ahead and make it that much easier for you to find your very own snow bunny.  I, myself, had forgotten how hilarious and ridiculous the dating scene is.  I will refrain from going into detail to save myself and respective parties from any further embarrassment. Anyway, below are some good cold weather dating activities along with the appropriate attire for each (obviously).

Gliding right along- Ice skating followed by some yummy hot chocolate really can’t go wrong (unless, of course, you break your leg). You can basically find an ice skating rink in most cities (barring you live in Hawaii- and then you’re just out of luck).  Make a plan to rent skates and glide (or tumble) around the rink together.  It’s always good to participate in a physical activity with a date (gets those endorphins going), it gives you a good reason to hold hands, plus it’s the perfect excuse to wear earmuffs. Enough said.  Don’t forget to bundle up. This is one of the times leggings are fully appropriate (as long as your cha cha is covered). American Apparel makes a great “winter weight” legging that is extra warm. Make sure to get some fun (warm) socks, festive scarf and fingerless gloves to accessorize.

White Fox Fur Earmuffs, $49.95

(**NOTE- these are the earmuffs that led me to find Fur World)

Game Night- Seriously, my friends probably want to tell me to shut up since I suggest this every chance I get. Yes, I love to play games. I think there is something incredibly sexy about people using their brains and competing (all in good fun) against each other. Plus, you will find out early on if he’s a “cheater.” Incorporate delicious warm drinks and snacks and it’s a perfect evening. Also good for group dates or introducing mutual friends in a non-awkward manner. We once stumbled upon a couple playing dirty Scrabble, it was so good we had to snap a photo. Much harder than it looks, btw. For a night like this, look casually comfortable, yet pulled together in skinny jeans and a soft form fitting sweater. Be sure to wear cute socks since you will probably be playing in someone’s home and some people are lunatics when it comes to footwear in the home.

Nothing hotter than some salsa- Salsa dancing, that is. It may be freezing, but you can work up a sweat taking some sexy dance classes with your date. Trick yourself into thinking you are south of the border while dancing the night away to salsa music. After your lesson, test out your new-found skills at a local salsa club with some margaritas. Strap on a swingy skirt or dress and don’t forget to tuck your heels into your bag so you can switch out of your snow boots.

BB Dakota Violet Skirt, $80

Pick your poison- Go wine tasting! What’s cozier than sipping on Pinot Noir and learning about different types of wine (pardon my lack of wine knowledge- obv, no one has bothered taking me on this educational journey)? Get a driver and visit different local wineries. Purchase your favorite bottle as memorabilia (or just pop the top on the way home). For this, I recommend wearing some type of footwear that will prevent you from breaking your neck should you taste too many wines and become a bit tipsy.

For you singles, perhaps these date ideas will help you secure some NYE arm candy. Happy dating!

xx,

WhyDid

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings.

I was actually in the middle of writing a completely different blog, when I stumbled upon something that I knew I MUST share. After googling for fur earmuffs, I stumbled upon a little gem of a website called Fur Hat World. (I will probably receive a phone call from PETA after this…) I will now share with you some of my favorite finds from said website. You are very, very, VERY, welcome in advance.

Why build a snowman when you can BE one?

You’re not seeing spots…. That’s right, those are rhinestones. 

Keep warm on your paper route, folks. 

Because you just NEVER know when you may need a pink leather hat. 

I have to apologize for not including the fur scrunchie in my original post. Please forgive me.

Oh, and don’t worry, fellas… there are hats for you too!!

Who needs a toupee when you have a fur hat like this?

Take your next “Pimp and Ho” party to the next level… 

And for my very favorite, the coup d’etat… (brace yourselves)

This is what happened to the coyote who ate Jessica Simpson’s maltipoo, Daisy.

There were just SO MANY to choose from that I could only select a few of my favorites, but you could probably go ahead and waste a good hour to an hour and a half perusing all of the amazing choices of fur headgear.  Enjoy.

xx,

WhyDid

**NOTE: WhyDid and its affiliates do not endorse the wearing of large fur hats by the general public.  This is NOT to encourage you to buy any of the above hats. I sincerely hope I NEVER see any of you wearing ANY of these items. Thanks.

No Chinos in the Champagne Room

After strolling into one of my favorite go to neighborhood spots with my newly single and gorgeous friend last week, it became clear that the “crowd” had changed.  Gone were the typical older Europeans, men with strange mustaches, and cute 30 somethings.  Instead, there were tables of middle aged men in khakis.  We get it, you corporate guys like trendy places with pretty girls.  And we are happy to smile and thank you for the drinks you sent over.  However, do us a favor, try not to look so corporate.  Below are a few style tips for you fellas from my lady friends: 

• Please do not wear pleated front khakis (chinos). Ever. You should not own any pants that have a Docker’s label. And IF you INSIST on wearing them, or someone has mysteriously stolen all of your other pants, do NOT pair your chinos with a blue button down. Blockbuster anyone?

• Do not attach your cell phone to the outside of your pants in one of those awful “holsters.”  That’s what pockets are for. 

• While you’re at it, remove the blue tooth from your ear. Who are you? Spock?

• Carrying a backpack is also unacceptable.  We are no longer in 5th grade. Take a note from those Euros and get a nice man purse.

NO:

YES:

• Shoes matter.  A woman can size you up in less than thirty seconds merely by glancing at your feet. Sad, but true.  I’m not saying you have to have the new Gucci loafers, but I am saying those clunky lace ups have GOT to go. 

• Don’t be douchey.  So many times I have seen men be nasty to pretty girls because they feel intimidated.  Just be kind and don’t take it personally if she tells you she “has a boyfriend.”  Being nice and funny can go a long way (even if you’re wearing chinos).

xx,

WhyDid

Not Suitable.

I would say 95% of women are suckers for men in suits.  That’s why after reading an article in the NY Times, I was crushed. Basically, it says that the days of men looking dapper (and delicious) in well tailored suits are over.  We kind of knew this was happening after the whole “dot com” era when men took to wearing outfits that looked like Blockbuster Video uniforms (khakis and blue button down ring a bell?).  I’m not sure who told them that was a good idea, but it wasn’t. Not sexy.  It is frumpy. It’s the male equivalent to women wearing cargo pants and a t-shirt. Get my drift?

You see, men were able to get away with the Blockbuster uniform when companies were desperate for the talent. You could basically bring your dog to work and drink a beer as long as you were there. Now we are in a completely different place.  People need to start dressing and acting like they are grateful to still be employed (which I have said before).  The NY Times article points out that, surprisingly, men are the people who are still shopping in this tough economy.  I’m afraid they aren’t shopping for the right items, however. If you look at the slideshow of suggested outfits for the “new suit” you will see that these are completely ridiculous alternatives to the suit. Not only are they inappropriate for the workplace, they aren’t really “suited” (pun not initially intended- but let’s go with it) for a straight man. I just don’t think a heterosexual man could pull these looks off. Leave them to the fabulous and already stylish men of Chelsea.

I was relieved to see this young man on the train shortly after reading this article.   I know it’s not the clearest photo (via my Blackberry), but he was wearing a well fitted grey pinstripe suit, white collared shirt, skinny grey and pink tie, and the cherry on top- Ray Ban Wayfarers.  See, you can still be young and cool in a suit.

Bottom line- forget what you heard.  The suit still rules. I mean, if nothing else, chicks still dig a man in a suit. The economy may blow, but that doesn’t mean your love life should.

xx,

WhyDid