Jean Therapy

Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

• Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
• Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
• Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
• Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
• Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

Levi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

Love is in the Air… Is That What Smells?

As WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady has already mentioned, Valentine’s Day is amateur night. However, you will most likely be forced into participating in some way, shape, or form. So you may as well get that shopping out of the way and come up with something creative to make the whole production less painful for yourself and respective parties.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again: interesting gifts for your flavor of the week…

For Him:

Ladies, let’s be serious, he doesn’t care if you get him a new pair of cufflinks or a cuddly teddy bear. He paid for dinner and would now like some sweet affection for dessert. You’re getting off easy as far as I’m concerned (no pun intended).

One of my favorite things in the world is pretty lingerie.  You are already aware of my affinity for costumes and that doesn’t stop in the bedroom.  Men are visual creatures, so give him something to stare at (before he tears you to pieces).

Carol Malony Polka Party Panty, $52

That’s a present he’ll enjoy unwrapping. (Please disregard the model’s Lee Press-on’s and bizarre belly button. Ick.)

Not at the “pants off dance off” stage? Why don’t you really send him for a loop by picking up the check at dinner? A sexy way to do so is slip your waiter/waitress your card while on your way to the bathroom.

C’mon, girls, please cut it out with the collages, love notes, and stage 5 clinger type presents. They are totally lost on guys. The only thing you’re going to get in return are ignored phone calls and canceled dates.  Men like a few things (in no particular order): sports, red meat, sex, and beer.  Stick with those and you may find yourself with a date after Valentine’s Day.

For Her:

Guys suck at buying presents. I know this because I’ve received quite a few doozies in my day.  I know there is a small percentage of you out there who don’t, but the majority of your testosterone filled pals have spoiled the bunch. Whether it be a giftcard or a heinous piece of jewelry, please pay attention in order to avoid a mid-February arctic blast.

Again, some guidelines of what not to do to tick your girl off. You already know I’ve advised her to get some skimpy knickers for later, so you don’t want to miss out on those because you couldn’t pull it together and get a decent gift, do you? That’s what I thought.

One of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever received was actually not from a guy at all. WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady really outdid herself this year for my birthday.  She got me a beautiful silver box and inside are 52 little pieces of paper. Each one has a reason on it why she loves me. (One a week, in case you suck at math like me).  I look forward to opening them every week.

Too mushy gushy?

Buy her something red… as in red soled. There isn’t one girl on planet earth who wouldn’t appreciate a pair of Christian Louboutins (if you are that girl, what are you doing reading this?). This is 99.9% effective in panties dropping.  Trust me, a pair of nice shoes will get you much further than any cheesy Hallmark moment.

Something sparkly also usually does the trick. (This does not include rhinestones or anything from Ed Hardy). There’s a reason they say, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Why don’t I just make this easier for you and compile a list of DON’T’s?:

• Perfume- you’re going to get it wrong. It’s our job, let us pick out our own.
• Chocolate- do you want a fat girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
• Any sort of stuffed animal- are you a pedophile? I ask because the only girl who would appreciate this is still in highschool.
• Hanky Panky rose thong- I saw this on E!’s gift guide and nearly lost it. You buy me one of these and I’m going to stick it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
• Red roses- we’ve already covered this.
• Anything from Kay’s, Jared’s, or Zales. Cut the crap.

The most important part of this day is quality time.  Be available, be kind.  A handwritten card also never hurts. Listen, I’m just trying to help you out. Despite my tone, I love love, but a bad VDay showing could leave you alone and lonely. While I may be home popping chocolates in my mouth with a glass of red and my rabbit, I do wish the rest of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

xx,

WhyDid

Carol Malony, Christian Louboutin, Hanky Panky, Kirsten Smith, Valentine's Gifts, WhyDidYouWearThat

Icebreakers

As I’ve mentioned before, winter is the perfect time for coupling up.  So I have decided to go ahead and make it that much easier for you to find your very own snow bunny.  I, myself, had forgotten how hilarious and ridiculous the dating scene is.  I will refrain from going into detail to save myself and respective parties from any further embarrassment. Anyway, below are some good cold weather dating activities along with the appropriate attire for each (obviously).

Gliding right along- Ice skating followed by some yummy hot chocolate really can’t go wrong (unless, of course, you break your leg). You can basically find an ice skating rink in most cities (barring you live in Hawaii- and then you’re just out of luck).  Make a plan to rent skates and glide (or tumble) around the rink together.  It’s always good to participate in a physical activity with a date (gets those endorphins going), it gives you a good reason to hold hands, plus it’s the perfect excuse to wear earmuffs. Enough said.  Don’t forget to bundle up. This is one of the times leggings are fully appropriate (as long as your cha cha is covered). American Apparel makes a great “winter weight” legging that is extra warm. Make sure to get some fun (warm) socks, festive scarf and fingerless gloves to accessorize.

White Fox Fur Earmuffs, $49.95

(**NOTE- these are the earmuffs that led me to find Fur World)

Game Night- Seriously, my friends probably want to tell me to shut up since I suggest this every chance I get. Yes, I love to play games. I think there is something incredibly sexy about people using their brains and competing (all in good fun) against each other. Plus, you will find out early on if he’s a “cheater.” Incorporate delicious warm drinks and snacks and it’s a perfect evening. Also good for group dates or introducing mutual friends in a non-awkward manner. We once stumbled upon a couple playing dirty Scrabble, it was so good we had to snap a photo. Much harder than it looks, btw. For a night like this, look casually comfortable, yet pulled together in skinny jeans and a soft form fitting sweater. Be sure to wear cute socks since you will probably be playing in someone’s home and some people are lunatics when it comes to footwear in the home.

Nothing hotter than some salsa- Salsa dancing, that is. It may be freezing, but you can work up a sweat taking some sexy dance classes with your date. Trick yourself into thinking you are south of the border while dancing the night away to salsa music. After your lesson, test out your new-found skills at a local salsa club with some margaritas. Strap on a swingy skirt or dress and don’t forget to tuck your heels into your bag so you can switch out of your snow boots.

BB Dakota Violet Skirt, $80

Pick your poison- Go wine tasting! What’s cozier than sipping on Pinot Noir and learning about different types of wine (pardon my lack of wine knowledge- obv, no one has bothered taking me on this educational journey)? Get a driver and visit different local wineries. Purchase your favorite bottle as memorabilia (or just pop the top on the way home). For this, I recommend wearing some type of footwear that will prevent you from breaking your neck should you taste too many wines and become a bit tipsy.

For you singles, perhaps these date ideas will help you secure some NYE arm candy. Happy dating!

xx,

WhyDid

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings.

I was actually in the middle of writing a completely different blog, when I stumbled upon something that I knew I MUST share. After googling for fur earmuffs, I stumbled upon a little gem of a website called Fur Hat World. (I will probably receive a phone call from PETA after this…) I will now share with you some of my favorite finds from said website. You are very, very, VERY, welcome in advance.

Why build a snowman when you can BE one?

You’re not seeing spots…. That’s right, those are rhinestones. 

Keep warm on your paper route, folks. 

Because you just NEVER know when you may need a pink leather hat. 

I have to apologize for not including the fur scrunchie in my original post. Please forgive me.

Oh, and don’t worry, fellas… there are hats for you too!!

Who needs a toupee when you have a fur hat like this?

Take your next “Pimp and Ho” party to the next level… 

And for my very favorite, the coup d’etat… (brace yourselves)

This is what happened to the coyote who ate Jessica Simpson’s maltipoo, Daisy.

There were just SO MANY to choose from that I could only select a few of my favorites, but you could probably go ahead and waste a good hour to an hour and a half perusing all of the amazing choices of fur headgear.  Enjoy.

xx,

WhyDid

**NOTE: WhyDid and its affiliates do not endorse the wearing of large fur hats by the general public.  This is NOT to encourage you to buy any of the above hats. I sincerely hope I NEVER see any of you wearing ANY of these items. Thanks.

No Chinos in the Champagne Room

After strolling into one of my favorite go to neighborhood spots with my newly single and gorgeous friend last week, it became clear that the “crowd” had changed.  Gone were the typical older Europeans, men with strange mustaches, and cute 30 somethings.  Instead, there were tables of middle aged men in khakis.  We get it, you corporate guys like trendy places with pretty girls.  And we are happy to smile and thank you for the drinks you sent over.  However, do us a favor, try not to look so corporate.  Below are a few style tips for you fellas from my lady friends: 

• Please do not wear pleated front khakis (chinos). Ever. You should not own any pants that have a Docker’s label. And IF you INSIST on wearing them, or someone has mysteriously stolen all of your other pants, do NOT pair your chinos with a blue button down. Blockbuster anyone?

• Do not attach your cell phone to the outside of your pants in one of those awful “holsters.”  That’s what pockets are for. 

• While you’re at it, remove the blue tooth from your ear. Who are you? Spock?

• Carrying a backpack is also unacceptable.  We are no longer in 5th grade. Take a note from those Euros and get a nice man purse.

NO:

YES:

• Shoes matter.  A woman can size you up in less than thirty seconds merely by glancing at your feet. Sad, but true.  I’m not saying you have to have the new Gucci loafers, but I am saying those clunky lace ups have GOT to go. 

• Don’t be douchey.  So many times I have seen men be nasty to pretty girls because they feel intimidated.  Just be kind and don’t take it personally if she tells you she “has a boyfriend.”  Being nice and funny can go a long way (even if you’re wearing chinos).

xx,

WhyDid

Not Suitable.

I would say 95% of women are suckers for men in suits.  That’s why after reading an article in the NY Times, I was crushed. Basically, it says that the days of men looking dapper (and delicious) in well tailored suits are over.  We kind of knew this was happening after the whole “dot com” era when men took to wearing outfits that looked like Blockbuster Video uniforms (khakis and blue button down ring a bell?).  I’m not sure who told them that was a good idea, but it wasn’t. Not sexy.  It is frumpy. It’s the male equivalent to women wearing cargo pants and a t-shirt. Get my drift?

You see, men were able to get away with the Blockbuster uniform when companies were desperate for the talent. You could basically bring your dog to work and drink a beer as long as you were there. Now we are in a completely different place.  People need to start dressing and acting like they are grateful to still be employed (which I have said before).  The NY Times article points out that, surprisingly, men are the people who are still shopping in this tough economy.  I’m afraid they aren’t shopping for the right items, however. If you look at the slideshow of suggested outfits for the “new suit” you will see that these are completely ridiculous alternatives to the suit. Not only are they inappropriate for the workplace, they aren’t really “suited” (pun not initially intended- but let’s go with it) for a straight man. I just don’t think a heterosexual man could pull these looks off. Leave them to the fabulous and already stylish men of Chelsea.

I was relieved to see this young man on the train shortly after reading this article.   I know it’s not the clearest photo (via my Blackberry), but he was wearing a well fitted grey pinstripe suit, white collared shirt, skinny grey and pink tie, and the cherry on top- Ray Ban Wayfarers.  See, you can still be young and cool in a suit.

Bottom line- forget what you heard.  The suit still rules. I mean, if nothing else, chicks still dig a man in a suit. The economy may blow, but that doesn’t mean your love life should.

xx,

WhyDid

Drop it Like it’s Not Hot

Dear boys/men across the globe,

Did you not realize that your sagging pants are not, in fact, sexy?  Did it not occur to you that looking as though you are wearing a saggy diaper does not woo the ladies?  Had the thought ever crossed your mind that looking like you “dropped a deuce” in your pants might not be a flattering look after all?

Well, guess what?  Baggy, saggy, droopy pants are not hot.  Period.  There is nothing cool about it.  It does not serve any purpose except making you look like you could not control your bowel movements and making it slightly more difficult for you to walk. 

I am not suggesting that you wear skinny tight hipster jeans (I’m still weirded out by men whose thighs are smaller than mine), but I am suggesting that you buy pants that fit you.  Get yourself to Jean Shopand have them fit you for a pair that will actually flatter you.  If these are a little pricey for your budget (I do admit they are a little ridiculous, but my bf’s bottom looks nothing less than delicious in them) try Levi’s Slim Straight 514.

How would you like it if the ladies stopped wearing jeans that flattered our bootylicious bods?  What if we just decided that we’d had enough of your baggy pants and all started wearing mu-mu’s?

xx,

WhyDid

Markets May Be Down, But Your Stock Could Be Going Up

So, one of my young male friends often talks about how he can not capture the heart of a worthy woman in this city.  He’s no schlub, mind you, but he hasn’t quite hit his stride in his career either.  He’s also on the younger side (read: under 30) and hasn’t quite gotten all of his partying/oat sewing out just yet. 

He tends to meet lots of floozies and spends his nights with drunken sorority girls and women of low caliber.  Then the next day he wakes up (usually with one of those drunken floozies) feeling empty and most likely hungover.  I scold him about these little raunchy escapades, but to no avail.  I remind him that he is probably not hanging out in places that the respectable and date worthy women frequent.

Then I read this articleby the lovely and hilarious DABA girls.  It gave me an idea.  Maybe my dear young friend should be aiming much, much higher.  If these “take home to mama” kind of girls are feeling undersexed and under-appreciated by their banker/laid off banker bf’s, maybe there is a shot for a guy like him.  He may not be bank rolling like the guys of Wall Street, but he is charming, respectful, good looking, and I’m sure has plenty of “loving” to go around.  No disrespect, DABA girls, this might just be something fun to hold you over until the next boom on Wall Street… kind of like a disco nap before a big night out or a black and white cookie before your 10:30 dinner reservation at Waverly.  See? Everybody wins! Just a thought…

xx,

WhyDid

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…

Dear sweet lord…. tell me this isn’t happening.

Has my worst nightmare just multiplied by a billion? Men…in…leggings?  This has got to be some sort of sick joke the fashion world is playing, right?  My friend sent me a link this morning that has confirmed my biggest fears.  Apparently, several designers sent men in leggings down the runways.  Weren’t skinny jeans enough for you?  I mean, that was pushing it, but leggings???

Men of the world, I beg of you, please do not fall victim to this trend.  There is nothing sexy about this.  Chicks will not dig this.  You will not appear fashion forward or trendy.  Let women worry about panty lines and no pockets.  There are some things men and women just should not share.  Leggings happen to be one of them.

xx,

WhyDid

We’re All Bitches…

(Please note, this post is for you ladies as well.  For you, “They’re All Dogs” is the title.)

New York is a city full of millions of people and while you may be surrounded by hundreds of people at any given moment, sometimes you still feel completely alone.  Hence, this brings up the question, “Should I get a girlfriend or a dog?” (My friend, swear to you, just asked me this five minutes ago). 

Nine times out of ten, I am going to go with the dog.  I may be slightly biased because I happen to have the most awesome dog on the planet, but I do have reasoning to back up my vote for the dog.

• They can’t talk- or talk back. (Barking does not count- annoying as it may be at times).
• Buying your furry bitch a shirt from Trixie and Peanut is far cheaper than buying your unfurry (hopefully) bitch a shirt from Prada.
• Unconditional love. Period. End of story.  They do not care if you look like crap, you smell funky, or you didn’t email them enough today at work.
• They always want to cuddle and you don’t have to suffer through a round of jack rabbit sex to get a good snuggle.
•  No matter what time you get home, they are ALWAYS psyched to see you.  Rather than your gf (bf) tapping her (his) foot when you stroll (stumble) in at 4am.
• Beneful is a hell of a lot cheaper than a meal at Nobu.
• They are incredibly loyal.  Your dog is not going to cheat on you, leave you for a new owner, or run off to Vegas for the weekend.
• Honestly, at the end of the day, I would much rather clean up literal shit than figurative shit.

So there you have it.  Now get to the local animal shelter and adopt yourself the ultimate companion. 

xx,

WhyDid