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Why Did You Wear That: My Future’s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades

By |February 12th, 2010|Celebrity Style, Why Did You Wear That?|
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So, here’s something that I think needs to be discussed. The proper usage of sunglasses.  Last time I checked, they were for protecting your eyes from overexposure of UV rays (and to prevent crow’s feet).  However, it has become abundantly clear that not all of you got that memo.  I want to go ahead and point the finger at you, Hollywood.  You, somehow, gave people (a-hem, celebrities) the impression that sunglasses were like a mimosa.  Okay at any time. Well, have I got news for you. Sunglasses, are, in fact, not okay at any time.  For instance, at night. There is no sun.  So, unless you go ahead and invent something called “moonglasses” with some type of scientific research backing them up, please remove your shades.

This trend also spawned the usage of shades in nightclubs.  Remember those clear-ish shades that “juice heads” started wearing at “da club?”  Gross. I assume this was to either, A) attempt to disguise your quarter sized pupils from all the drugs you were on, B) attempt to disguise your inherent dbaggery. Failure on both. It only drew more attention to you as we pointed and laughed.

Celebs, this goes for you as well. Who do you think you’re fooling with those shades on? I might NOT have noticed you strolling by… until you slapped those ginormous sunnies on. Now I’m wondering who the creep in the sunglasses is.

celecbrity sunglasses

I was like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” Well, MC, I’ll tell you why. (Disregarding your pink leather jacket) you’re out at night wearing sunglasses. Let’s go over this again, there’s NO SUN. Cut it out. You think we wouldn’t recognize you without them? Doubtful considering your affinity for pink leather attire.

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Oh… RiRi, you look confused. could it be because you are wearing sunglasses in the pitch dark and can’t see four feet in front of you? Thought so.

PR NEWSWIRE

I mean, I don’t know why I’m even throwing this guy in there. He’s king of all D’s. Of course he’s got his shades on.

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Oh Kimmy, I can’t even focus on the fact that you’re wearing sunglasses at night because I’m entranced by the fact that you’re wearing LEGGINGS AS PANTS. YOU of all people should NOT being wearing leggings as pants. I understand that most shirts probably don’t even fit over your rear, but let’s give a try, no?

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Um, hey guys? It’s RAINING. Know how I know? You’re holding an UMBRELLA. One of these things does not go with the others. (Btw- is that a fannypack?)

Alright, do I need to make a brief list of sunglass uses? Fine. I’ll go slow. Pay attention, please.

  • Wear sunglasses when it’s sunny.  Novel idea.
  • Do not wear sunglasses at night.
  • Do not wear sunglasses when it’s raining.
  • Just say, “no” to drugs. Even your sunglasses can’t help you here.
  • The bigger and more obnoxious your sunglasses are, the more attention they will draw to you.
  • Just because you can’t see us, doesn’t mean we can’t see you.
  • Clear sunglasses are an oxymoron.
  • There are no such thing as “moonglasses.” I was making a point.

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Wear That: A Sign of the Times

By |February 11th, 2010|Why Did You Wear That?|
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Voodoo Dolls - LargeOh, I’m sorry, does someone have a voodoo doll with my name on it?  I mean, I’m just wondering since I recently discovered the world’s worst invention- EVER.  Obviously, someone just wants to make me suffer from severe fits of anxiety.  Basically, if leggings as pants and True Religions got together and had a baby it would be this:

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Oh, you think I’m kidding? I wish:

Are you f’ing kidding me??  It’s the spawn of satan.  Are you SO lazy that you actually need your jeans and your pajamas to be one in the same?  Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t even bother to shower after rolling out of bed this morning? I mean, what’s the point? You’re obviously already dressed! To me, this is a sign of how lazy and impatient our society has become.  What happened to taking pride in our appearance? This is just encouraging people to continue stuffing their faces (these puppies stretch, after all) and not care how the rest of the world perceives them. Remember this lady?

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No? How about her?

Audrey-Hepburn-wcute-dogThey are rolling over somewhere in their graves. No proper lady would ever wear synthetic fake jeans to sleep in and then wear them out in public.  So why would you? Just saying…

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Wear That: Pearls of Wisdom

By |February 10th, 2010|Celebrity Style, Why Did You Wear That?|
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gaga-amfar-2Because we gotta… You may have missed Lady Gaga this evening seeing as she dressed to blend in with the blizzard swirling around the streets of NYC. Have no fear, we’ve got photos of her attending the amfAR event tonight at Cipriani 42nd Street (thanks to Rap Up) and accepting an award on Elton John’s behalf.  Honestly, I don’t know what to say. So, I’m going to leave it up to you. Leave your comments below.

xx,

WhyDid

Somethin’ For the Fellas: Jean Therapy

By |February 10th, 2010|Somethin for the fellas|
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free_shipping_cost__$27_DandG_jeans_true_religion_.jpg.gif

Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

  • Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
  • Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
  • Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
  • Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
  • Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

0426418236136R__A1_300x400Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

800x800Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

800x800-1Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

8521-945201-dLevi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

Love is in the Air… Is That What Smells?

By |February 8th, 2010|Gift Guide, Somethin for the fellas|
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happy_valentines_day

As WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady has already mentioned, Valentine’s Day is amateur night. However, you will most likely be forced into participating in some way, shape, or form. So you may as well get that shopping out of the way and come up with something creative to make the whole production less painful for yourself and respective parties.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again: interesting gifts for your flavor of the week…

For Him:

Ladies, let’s be serious, he doesn’t care if you get him a new pair of cufflinks or a cuddly teddy bear. He paid for dinner and would now like some sweet affection for dessert. You’re getting off easy as far as I’m concerned (no pun intended).

One of my favorite things in the world is pretty lingerie.  You are already aware of my affinity for costumes and that doesn’t stop in the bedroom.  Men are visual creatures, so give him something to stare at (before he tears you to pieces).

41VNVAKJQGL._SL250_41VSykR7G8L._SL250_Carol Malony Polka Party Panty, $52

That’s a present he’ll enjoy unwrapping. (Please disregard the model’s Lee Press-on’s and bizarre belly button. Ick.)

Not at the “pants off dance off” stage? Why don’t you really send him for a loop by picking up the check at dinner? A sexy way to do so is slip your waiter/waitress your card while on your way to the bathroom.

C’mon, girls, please cut it out with the collages, love notes, and stage 5 clinger type presents. They are totally lost on guys. The only thing you’re going to get in return are ignored phone calls and canceled dates.  Men like a few things (in no particular order): sports, red meat, sex, and beer.  Stick with those and you may find yourself with a date after Valentine’s Day.

For Her:

Guys suck at buying presents. I know this because I’ve received quite a few doozies in my day.  I know there is a small percentage of you out there who don’t, but the majority of your testosterone filled pals have spoiled the bunch. Whether it be a giftcard or a heinous piece of jewelry, please pay attention in order to avoid a mid-February arctic blast.

Again, some guidelines of what not to do to tick your girl off. You already know I’ve advised her to get some skimpy knickers for later, so you don’t want to miss out on those because you couldn’t pull it together and get a decent gift, do you? That’s what I thought.

One of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever received was actually not from a guy at all. WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady really outdid herself this year for my birthday.  She got me a beautiful silver box and inside are 52 little pieces of paper. Each one has a reason on it why she loves me. (One a week, in case you suck at math like me).  I look forward to opening them every week.

Too mushy gushy?

Buy her something red… as in red soled. There isn’t one girl on planet earth who wouldn’t appreciate a pair of Christian Louboutins (if you are that girl, what are you doing reading this?). This is 99.9% effective in panties dropping.  Trust me, a pair of nice shoes will get you much further than any cheesy Hallmark moment.

Christian-Louboutin-shoes-Declic

Something sparkly also usually does the trick. (This does not include rhinestones or anything from Ed Hardy). There’s a reason they say, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Why don’t I just make this easier for you and compile a list of DON’T’s?:

  • Perfume- you’re going to get it wrong. It’s our job, let us pick out our own.
  • Chocolate- do you want a fat girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
  • Any sort of stuffed animal- are you a pedophile? I ask because the only girl who would appreciate this is still in highschool.
  • Hanky Panky rose thong– I saw this on E!’s gift guide and nearly lost it. You buy me one of these and I’m going to stick it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
  • Red roses- we’ve already covered this.
  • Anything from Kay’s, Jared’s, or Zales. Cut the crap.

The most important part of this day is quality time.  Be available, be kind.  A handwritten card also never hurts. Listen, I’m just trying to help you out. Despite my tone, I love love, but a bad VDay showing could leave you alone and lonely. While I may be home popping chocolates in my mouth with a glass of red and my rabbit, I do wish the rest of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

xx,

WhyDid

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