As WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady has already mentioned, Valentine’s Day is amateur night. However, you will most likely be forced into participating in some way, shape, or form. So you may as well get that shopping out of the way and come up with something creative to make the whole production less painful for yourself and respective parties.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again: interesting gifts for your flavor of the week…

For Him:

Ladies, let’s be serious, he doesn’t care if you get him a new pair of cufflinks or a cuddly teddy bear. He paid for dinner and would now like some sweet affection for dessert. You’re getting off easy as far as I’m concerned (no pun intended).

One of my favorite things in the world is pretty lingerie.  You are already aware of my affinity for costumes and that doesn’t stop in the bedroom.  Men are visual creatures, so give him something to stare at (before he tears you to pieces).

41VNVAKJQGL._SL250_41VSykR7G8L._SL250_Carol Malony Polka Party Panty, $52

That’s a present he’ll enjoy unwrapping. (Please disregard the model’s Lee Press-on’s and bizarre belly button. Ick.)

Not at the “pants off dance off” stage? Why don’t you really send him for a loop by picking up the check at dinner? A sexy way to do so is slip your waiter/waitress your card while on your way to the bathroom.

C’mon, girls, please cut it out with the collages, love notes, and stage 5 clinger type presents. They are totally lost on guys. The only thing you’re going to get in return are ignored phone calls and canceled dates.  Men like a few things (in no particular order): sports, red meat, sex, and beer.  Stick with those and you may find yourself with a date after Valentine’s Day.

For Her:

Guys suck at buying presents. I know this because I’ve received quite a few doozies in my day.  I know there is a small percentage of you out there who don’t, but the majority of your testosterone filled pals have spoiled the bunch. Whether it be a giftcard or a heinous piece of jewelry, please pay attention in order to avoid a mid-February arctic blast.

Again, some guidelines of what not to do to tick your girl off. You already know I’ve advised her to get some skimpy knickers for later, so you don’t want to miss out on those because you couldn’t pull it together and get a decent gift, do you? That’s what I thought.

One of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever received was actually not from a guy at all. WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady really outdid herself this year for my birthday.  She got me a beautiful silver box and inside are 52 little pieces of paper. Each one has a reason on it why she loves me. (One a week, in case you suck at math like me).  I look forward to opening them every week.

Too mushy gushy?

Buy her something red… as in red soled. There isn’t one girl on planet earth who wouldn’t appreciate a pair of Christian Louboutins (if you are that girl, what are you doing reading this?). This is 99.9% effective in panties dropping.  Trust me, a pair of nice shoes will get you much further than any cheesy Hallmark moment.


Something sparkly also usually does the trick. (This does not include rhinestones or anything from Ed Hardy). There’s a reason they say, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Why don’t I just make this easier for you and compile a list of DON’T’s?:

  • Perfume- you’re going to get it wrong. It’s our job, let us pick out our own.
  • Chocolate- do you want a fat girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
  • Any sort of stuffed animal- are you a pedophile? I ask because the only girl who would appreciate this is still in highschool.
  • Hanky Panky rose thong– I saw this on E!’s gift guide and nearly lost it. You buy me one of these and I’m going to stick it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
  • Red roses- we’ve already covered this.
  • Anything from Kay’s, Jared’s, or Zales. Cut the crap.

The most important part of this day is quality time.  Be available, be kind.  A handwritten card also never hurts. Listen, I’m just trying to help you out. Despite my tone, I love love, but a bad VDay showing could leave you alone and lonely. While I may be home popping chocolates in my mouth with a glass of red and my rabbit, I do wish the rest of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.