A Sign of the Times

Oh, I’m sorry, does someone have a voodoo doll with my name on it?  I mean, I’m just wondering since I recently discovered the world’s worst invention- EVER.  Obviously, someone just wants to make me suffer from severe fits of anxiety.  Basically, if leggings as pants and True Religions got together and had a baby it would be this:

Oh, you think I’m kidding? I wish:

Are you f’ing kidding me??  It’s the spawn of satan.  Are you SO lazy that you actually need your jeans and your pajamas to be one in the same?  Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t even bother to shower after rolling out of bed this morning? I mean, what’s the point? You’re obviously already dressed! To me, this is a sign of how lazy and impatient our society has become.  What happened to taking pride in our appearance? This is just encouraging people to continue stuffing their faces (these puppies stretch, after all) and not care how the rest of the world perceives them. Remember this lady?

No? How about her?

They are rolling over somewhere in their graves. No proper lady would ever wear synthetic fake jeans to sleep in and then wear them out in public.  So why would you? Just saying…

xx,

WhyDid

Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Leggings, leggings as pants, Pajama Jeans, True Religion, voodoo doll

Jean Therapy

Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

• Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
• Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
• Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
• Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
• Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

Levi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

What Comes Around Goes Around

So, after seeing my highschool boyfriend (with his two children) in the mall last night with my mom and grandma, I got to thinking.  I haven’t had the best go with the menfolk in the last couple of years (and it’s not just because I dump boys who wear True Religions). I’m thinking it might actually be my own fault.  I believe in a little something called “karma.” Heard of it?

I will be the first to admit that I was pretty AWFUL to my HS bf.  My bff, Jen, is probably laughing hysterically somewhere recalling some of my “stunts.”  I didn’t cheat on him or anything (as everyone is fully aware I am the “anti-cheater”), but I was just not nice. The sad part is, he was probably the kindest boy on planet earth. I just really didn’t appreciate it and actually resented him for loving me so much. He taught me a good lesson though- that whole, “the tighter you hold on, the faster it slips through your fingers” thing.  The more he cared, the more I ran.

Anyway, after experiencing a few more “adult” relationships, I realized, I would probably trade in the glitz and excitement for something a little more simple- unconditional love. Ha… guess the joke’s on me, huh, Karma?

Perhaps we all need to be a little more careful in the way we treat each other, cause I’m starting to think that it may eventually catch up with us. I know I’m a raving bitch when it comes to leggings worn as pants and VPL, but on your average Monday, I’m a pretty nice girl.  So what on earth did I do to deserve some of the heinous treatment I’ve experienced? I think we could ask my HS bf. Ever notice how you grow a giant goiter after making fun of someone else’s zit? Or how your thighs seem a little jigglier after scowling at the fat girl with a Big Mac? It’s Karma. And she’s a bitch.  So don’t be a homewrecker, or a cheater, or just plain old mean, cause eventually Karma is going to return the favor.

However, after my last “incident” with my ex, I would assume I’ve done my penance. The jig is up, Karma. I’ve paid my dues. Got the memo. Take your wrath out on someone else and feel free to send Prince Charming my way.

xx,

WhyDid

I Proudly Present to you…

He was the closest thing I ever had to a gay best friend until I moved to New York.  I could count on him to tell me if my outfit looked stupid, I had food in my teeth or if I was getting fat (as if).  His brutal honesty and good natured sincere advice are what make him who he is.  He’s my best guy friend.  (He’s straight, ladies- and single. He wanted me to make that crystal clear).  Here to tell you everything you always wanted to know, but never wanted to hear, Dr. DatedHer.

WDYWT: What are the clothing items that you wish ALL women would dispose of?

Dr. DatedHer: I wish all women would dispose of the following: 

• Light colored jeans. They make you look fat.
• True Religion anything.
• Babydoll dresses (I don’t get it, they aren’t flattering, ever.)
• Fur coats
• Shoes with really chunky wedge heels (not sexy at all).  

WDYWT: Wow, tell us how you really feel.  So, what do you love to see women wearing?

Dr. DatedHer: Daytime/casual- a hot pair of skinnies from Jean Shop with a pair of flats and plain and simple v-neck tee. 

Nighttime- give me a chick in short black skirt, black top some jewelry, black stockings (the ones with the designs in them) and a legit pair of stilettos.  Boys love stiletto heels and being that this is NYC wear all black.  I find black to be incredibly sexy during the winter.

WDYWT: What is the BIGGEST mistake a girl can make on a first date?

Dr. DatedHer: Touching her phone. Seriously, I’m paying for your dinner. Put your f’ing phone down.  Finding out what happened on Rock of Love can wait an hour.  Think of it as a business dinner….you wouldn’t start bbm’ing/texting in front of your boss, show the same respect to whatever lucky boy you’re with that night. 

Now, most guys are going to get mad at me for saying this but ladies, seriously don’t go home with a guy on the first date.  Make him work for it.  Don’t even kiss him.  Give him a hug and thank him.  If you like a guy, make him work for it.  Play the game properly.  There’s also a huge difference between playing the game properly (don’t give in too easily, don’t come off overly eager etc.) and the just being a bitch (actually being rude). 

WDYWT: So what is a “dealbreaker” for you?

Dr. DatedHer: Another deal breaker/super annoying thing women are guilty of….not texting the next morning and saying, “thank you for a good time” (even if it wasn’t).  If it was tremendously bad, ok, I understand, but if the guy generally means well and picked up the bill…thank him.  

WDYWT: I mentioned that you would tell me if I looked fat, but you wouldn’t really tell a girl that, would you?

Dr. DatedHer: When a girl asks if she looks fat in something, I typically tell a variation of the truth or suggest a different outfit. Simply saying, “Yes, you look fat” is NEVER a good idea.  As a rule of thumb, you can never say anything bad without adding a compliment.  So for example if asked, “Do I look fat in this?” I might answer, “Hmm, not sure if that’s the best look for tonight. Why don’t you put on that dress that I love you in.” Then explain that it compliments a particular part of her body better.

WDYWT: So who would you describe as your “ideal” woman and why?

Dr. DatedHer: I think most guys would agree with me that the ideal woman would be most like Natascha McElhone’s character on Californication.  She is ridiculously sexy and yet very natural.  My buddies and I have it narrowed down that the best girlfriends we’ve had all possessed a strong mix of knowledge in music, fashion, and the all the crazy things going on in the world.  It’s truly amazing that some women still think its ok to be clueless about the world. Seriously, pick up a paper and read it.  Even if its one of those free Metropapers.  Educate yourself a little.  Any decent, hard working, money making guy wont wife you up if all you can speak about is shitty reality TV and Desperate Housewives.  Men like women who can speak intelligently about a variety of subjects, so really educate yourself. 

WDYWT: Very good advice. I think most men would second that.  So on to really important things, what’s your favorite part of a woman’s body?

Dr. DatedHer: Continuing with my Californication theme, in the words of Hank Moody, “I love women.  I have all of their albums.”  It’s a big mistake to think that all guys have a favorite body part.  With regard to the female body, men are pretty much all the same in our thinking.  We love flat butts, round butts, big butts and small butts. Big and small, perky and full boobs, we love them all. Same holds true for long legs, skinny legs and thick legs.  If given the opportunity, men will find something to love about a woman they are interested in. For me personally, it’s about all of those things but most importantly, it’s about the hip to stomach ratio.  Give me a flat stomach with some wide hips and I’m loving it.

WDYWT:  Well, Thanks, Dr.  That was, um, informative.  Ladies, feel free to ask the Dr. ANYTHING you want and he will be sure to give you some of that brutal honesty. 

10 Things I Dislike ALMOST as Much as Leggings Worn as pants

I think it’s pretty clear how I feel about leggings worn as pants, but there are more things in the world that disturb me nearly as much.  Here’s the top ten:

1. True Religion jeans. No need to explain again.
2. Rude men.  I don’t like rude people in general, but a rude man is the worst.  What happened to being a gentleman?
3. Blowing your nose in public.  There is a girl who sits near my desk at work and she has been blowing her nose continuously for the past two weeks. It’s taken everything in me not to just spazz out, especially when she ate tuna fish for lunch the other day.
4. Know it alls.  You don’t know everything. Shut up.
5. Dried apples. Had a bad experience as a five year old. Have never quite recovered.
6. Logo handbags/clothing/etc.  It’s so passe, especially during a recession.  We get it, you have a Fendi bag.I won’t lie, I own a Louis Vuitton bag, but I couldn’t tell you the last time I carried it.  I try not to be a walking advertisement. I prefer the understated.  *Note: this rule goes out the window if your logo bag happens to be awesome and vintage.  That’s the only time it’s cool.
7. Liars.  Maybe it is because I have the guiltiest conscience in the world and probably couldn’t tell a lie to save my life, but I really have a hard time understanding why people lie.  The truth hurts, but it also sets you free.
8. Fake tans, fake nails, fake hair.  Gross, gross, grossest.  By fake tan, I do mean tanning beds.  I also mean poorly done self tanners.  Cancer and wrinkles aren’t sexy and neither is looking like a tangerine.  I don’t even know where to begin with fake nails and as far as fake hair, do you want to look like you have the same hairdresser as a Barbie doll?
9. Catty, bitchy, jealous girls and cougars.  I have no time for petty girls/women who lack self confidence.  Please do not take out your insecurities on women who clearly have it going on.  Not our fault you don’t feel good about yourself.  Get a hobby.  That’s a good place to start.
10. Pilling sweaters.  I hate those little nerd balls.  They never go away, do they?

So there you have it.  Things that ruffle my feathers almost as much as wearing leggings as pants (I’m sure I’ll think of more).  I realize I have just made myself incredibly vulnerable to people coming up to me and blowing their noses while wearing True Religions, but feels good to vent.  Send in some of your very least favorite things. 

xx,

WhyDid

Somethin’ for the fellas.

There is basically only one thing that enrages me more than leggings worn as pants.  TRUE RELIGION JEANS on a man. Here is a story regarding these heinous pants:

Once upon a time, a young Princess met a very handsome, charming, smart, funny man. He was basically everything she had ever hoped for in her Prince. However, things were almost over before they even began.

She was so excited for her first “real date” with this lad. She was sure this was it. But lo and behold, he showed up wearing…. dun dun dunnnn… True Religion Jeans! The princess was devastated. Now what? Her Prince would NEVER wear True Religions!!

Luckily, her Prince Charming was smart enough to realize when it comes to fashion, the Princess knows best. Therefore, he allowed her into his closet and she banished all of his True Religion jeans from the kingdom. Then they lived happily ever after.

THE END.

**This is a true story. Names have been changed (okay, omitted) to protect those involved.

See, I’m not the only one. Do yourself a favor, guys. Just get rid of your True Religions now. You don’t want to scare away your dates. I know, they were $300. Consider this your punishment for buying them in the first place. Look on the bright side, at least you’ll get a second date.

So not sexy.