Why Did You Date Him: You Don’t Always Get What You Want…

By |July 23rd, 2010|Why Did You Date Him?|

Girl Writing

Once upon a time a friend told me that I should go ahead and write down everything I wanted in a mate. Every single last little detail down to his hair color, shoe size, and favorite ice cream. She explained that by doing so, I would be putting it out there in “the universe.” She was on some kind of The Secret kick, but having gone through several traumatic third dates, I figured, “What the hell? Why not?”

So, I got to work writing down little things like his height, his goals, his age, his hobbies, the size of his… brain. Anything I could think of that mattered to me, I scribbled down on that piece of paper. It was like being five again and writing down your Christmas list for Santa. Now all I needed to do was sit back and wait for this so called “universe” to go ahead and deliver Prince Charming like a Barbie Dreamhouse.

At times I got a little impatient, but one fine day, my wish was finally granted, and I was presented with a gentleman (let’s use the term lightly, kids) who seemed to really fit my bill. He was basically all the things that I had hoped for on my little perfect mate wishlist despite the fact that he showed up for our first date wearing True Religion jeans (yes, I did specify that he would not own a pair of True Religions and in hindsight, this should have been my first clue). Needless to say, things did not quite pan out as planned and before long, I was cursing that damn list.

How on earth was it possible that after getting everything I’d wished for I was eventually left back at square one with absolutely nothing? Well, I’ll tell you how. Let’s go ahead and pretend that it isn’t totally ridiculous to think that writing a wishlist will get you everything you want (Uh- how many times did Santa forget that Easy Bake Oven?). The real problem? I seem to have left off a few key factors like “honest” and “loyal” and a few other core values that would have proven to be helpful. I was so fixated on superficial things that I thought I wanted that I forgot to focus on the things that matter in the long run.

Boy oh boy, if I could track down this list I’d first, die of second hand embarrassment for myself and then burn it. Better yet, I would keep it as a reminder to be careful what you wish for.

You may not get what you want, but if you’re very, very lucky, you’ll get what you need.



Why Did You Wear That: A Sign of the Times

By |February 11th, 2010|Why Did You Wear That?|

Voodoo Dolls - LargeOh, I’m sorry, does someone have a voodoo doll with my name on it?  I mean, I’m just wondering since I recently discovered the world’s worst invention- EVER.  Obviously, someone just wants to make me suffer from severe fits of anxiety.  Basically, if leggings as pants and True Religions got together and had a baby it would be this:



Oh, you think I’m kidding? I wish:

Are you f’ing kidding me??  It’s the spawn of satan.  Are you SO lazy that you actually need your jeans and your pajamas to be one in the same?  Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t even bother to shower after rolling out of bed this morning? I mean, what’s the point? You’re obviously already dressed! To me, this is a sign of how lazy and impatient our society has become.  What happened to taking pride in our appearance? This is just encouraging people to continue stuffing their faces (these puppies stretch, after all) and not care how the rest of the world perceives them. Remember this lady?


No? How about her?

Audrey-Hepburn-wcute-dogThey are rolling over somewhere in their graves. No proper lady would ever wear synthetic fake jeans to sleep in and then wear them out in public.  So why would you? Just saying…



Somethin’ For the Fellas: Jean Therapy

By |February 10th, 2010|Somethin for the fellas|


Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

  • Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
  • Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
  • Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
  • Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
  • Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

0426418236136R__A1_300x400Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

800x800Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

800x800-1Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

8521-945201-dLevi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.



WhyDid Wisdom: What Comes Around Goes Around

By |December 28th, 2009|WhyDid Wisdom|


So, after seeing my highschool boyfriend (with his two children) in the mall last night with my mom and grandma, I got to thinking.  I haven’t had the best go with the menfolk in the last couple of years (and it’s not just because I dump boys who wear True Religions). I’m thinking it might actually be my own fault.  I believe in a little something called “karma.” Heard of it?

I will be the first to admit that I was pretty AWFUL to my HS bf.  My bff, Jen, is probably laughing hysterically somewhere recalling some of my “stunts.”  I didn’t cheat on him or anything (as everyone is fully aware I am the “anti-cheater”), but I was just not nice. The sad part is, he was probably the kindest boy on planet earth. I just really didn’t appreciate it and actually resented him for loving me so much. He taught me a good lesson though- that whole, “the tighter you hold on, the faster it slips through your fingers” thing.  The more he cared, the more I ran.

Anyway, after experiencing a few more “adult” relationships, I realized, I would probably trade in the glitz and excitement for something a little more simple- unconditional love. Ha… guess the joke’s on me, huh, Karma?

Perhaps we all need to be a little more careful in the way we treat each other, cause I’m starting to think that it may eventually catch up with us. I know I’m a raving bitch when it comes to leggings worn as pants and VPL, but on your average Monday, I’m a pretty nice girl.  So what on earth did I do to deserve some of the heinous treatment I’ve experienced? I think we could ask my HS bf. Ever notice how you grow a giant goiter after making fun of someone else’s zit? Or how your thighs seem a little jigglier after scowling at the fat girl with a Big Mac? It’s Karma. And she’s a bitch.  So don’t be a homewrecker, or a cheater, or just plain old mean, cause eventually Karma is going to return the favor.

However, after my last “incident” with my ex, I would assume I’ve done my penance. The jig is up, Karma. I’ve paid my dues. Got the memo. Take your wrath out on someone else and feel free to send Prince Charming my way.



Guest Post: I Proudly Present To You..

By |March 10th, 2009|Guest Blogger|

He was the closest thing I ever had to a gay best friend until I moved to New York.  I could count on him to tell me if my outfit looked stupid, I had food in my teeth or if I was getting fat (as if).  His brutal honesty and good natured sincere advice are what make him who he is.  He’s my best guy friend.  (He’s straight, ladies- and single. He wanted me to make that crystal clear).  Here to tell you everything you always wanted to know, but never wanted to hear, Dr. DatedHer.

WDYWT: What are the clothing items that you wish ALL women would dispose of?

Dr. DatedHer: I wish all women would dispose of the following:

  • Light colored jeans. They make you look fat.
  • True Religion anything.
  • Babydoll dresses (I don’t get it, they aren’t flattering, ever.)
  • Fur coats
  • Shoes with really chunky wedge heels (not sexy at all).

WDYWT: Wow, tell us how you really feel.  So, what do you love to see women wearing?

Dr. DatedHer: Daytime/casual- a hot pair of skinnies from Jean Shop with a pair of flats and plain and simple v-neck tee.

Nighttime- give me a chick in short black skirt, black top some jewelry, black stockings (the ones with the designs in them) and a legit pair of stilettos.  Boys love stiletto heels and being that this is NYC wear all black.  I find black to be incredibly sexy during the winter.

WDYWT: What is the BIGGEST mistake a girl can make on a first date?

Dr. DatedHer: Touching her phone. Seriously, I’m paying for your dinner. Put your f’ing phone down.  Finding out what happened on Rock of Love can wait an hour.  Think of it as a business dinner….you wouldn’t start bbm’ing/texting in front of your boss, show the same respect to whatever lucky boy you’re with that night.

Now, most guys are going to get mad at me for saying this but ladies, seriously don’t go home with a guy on the first date.  Make him work for it.  Don’t even kiss him.  Give him a hug and thank him.  If you like a guy, make him work for it.  Play the game properly.  There’s also a huge difference between playing the game properly (don’t give in too easily, don’t come off overly eager etc.) and the just being a bitch (actually being rude).

WDYWT: So what is a “dealbreaker” for you?

Dr. DatedHer: Another deal breaker/super annoying thing women are guilty of….not texting the next morning and saying, “thank you for a good time” (even if it wasn’t).  If it was tremendously bad, ok, I understand, but if the guy generally means well and picked up the bill…thank him.

WDYWT: I mentioned that you would tell me if I looked fat, but you wouldn’t really tell a girl that, would you?

Dr. DatedHer: When a girl asks if she looks fat in something, I typically tell a variation of the truth or suggest a different outfit. Simply saying, “Yes, you look fat” is NEVER a good idea.  As a rule of thumb, you can never say anything bad without adding a compliment.  So for example if asked, “Do I look fat in this?” I might answer, “Hmm, not sure if that’s the best look for tonight. Why don’t you put on that dress that I love you in.” Then explain that it compliments a particular part of her body better.

WDYWT: So who would you describe as your “ideal” woman and why?

Dr. DatedHer: I think most guys would agree with me that the ideal woman would be most like Natascha McElhone’s character on Californication.  She is ridiculously sexy and yet very natural.  My buddies and I have it narrowed down that the best girlfriends we’ve had all possessed a strong mix of knowledge in music, fashion, and the all the crazy things going on in the world.  It’s truly amazing that some women still think its ok to be clueless about the world. Seriously, pick up a paper and read it.  Even if its one of those free Metropapers.  Educate yourself a little.  Any decent, hard working, money making guy wont wife you up if all you can speak about is shitty reality TV and Desperate Housewives.  Men like women who can speak intelligently about a variety of subjects, so really educate yourself.

WDYWT: Very good advice. I think most men would second that.  So on to really important things, what’s your favorite part of a woman’s body?

Dr. DatedHer: Continuing with my Californication theme, in the words of Hank Moody, “I love women.  I have all of their albums.”  It’s a big mistake to think that all guys have a favorite body part.  With regard to the female body, men are pretty much all the same in our thinking.  We love flat butts, round butts, big butts and small butts. Big and small, perky and full boobs, we love them all. Same holds true for long legs, skinny legs and thick legs.  If given the opportunity, men will find something to love about a woman they are interested in. For me personally, it’s about all of those things but most importantly, it’s about the hip to stomach ratio.  Give me a flat stomach with some wide hips and I’m loving it.

WDYWT: Well, Thanks, Dr.  That was, um, informative.  Ladies, feel free to ask the Dr. ANYTHING you want and he will be sure to give you some of that brutal honesty.