The List Volume XLV

By |May 20th, 2011|Somethin for the fellas, The List|

This week the list is dedicated to all you men out there.  At times, I am utterly appalled by your behavior and wonder why we women haven’t boycotted you altogether.

So gentlemen, read carefully.  Ladies, please feel free to print this sucker out and affix it to any and all men’s bathroom doors.

  1. Money can’t buy you love.  Yes, it’s true.  Girls love gifts.  And while this may work for a little while, there will come a time when you need to pony up and show us what you’re made of.  A new pair of Louboutins for every you time you $*%* up will fill our closets, not our hearts. (Sidenote: bragging about your cash is vulgar.  It doesn’t impress us -at least not the nice girls- it just makes us think you’re insecure).
  2. Your grooming habits and products should not be more complex nor should they take up the space of mine.  A little “manscaping” is one thing. Highlighted hair, waxed brows, and manzilians aren’t things that I want to have in common with you.  If I liked girls, I’d date Ellen Degeneres.
  3. Man boobs.  Never, ever should your breasts resemble your lady friend’s.  If you happen to be one of those gentlemen who grew mammaries overnight, at least cover them up by not wearing a silky shirt that emphasizes your newly swollen teets.  If you happen to pass by the mirror and turn yourself on with the tittays you see, it’s time to hit the gym.
  4. Pushing women out of the way to get on the subway/train, front of the line, etc. first.  Who are you?  Did you not have a mother?  Have a little bit of class.  Forget what ya heard, chivalry is not dead.
  5. Arnold Schwarzenegger.  You, my friend, have now joined the ranks of Jesse James and Tiger Woods.  Congrats.  Oh, and by the way, Jesse – all men do not cheat.
  6. Cat calls.  Um, how’s your ROI been on those?  Remember this little experiment?
  7. Tank tops.  They aren’t meant for you.  I don’t care if you are some cutie patootie with nice triceps.  You still have armpit hair.  And furthermore, by you wearing that tank top, you’re sending the message to other men (probably the ones who have no business wearing one) that it is, in fact, fine to flaunt the fat.
  8. Belching, farting, scratching.  We get it.  These things happen.  The body must function as it will– not at its will.  Thing is- we don’t need to know you do it.  Just like women never poop.  Some secrets are meant to be kept.
  9. Bromances.  It’s nice to have friends.  We love our girls’ nights too.  However, dating (aka taking care of) one guy is hard enough.  Don’t make me babysit your bestie too.
  10. “No” means “no.” This may be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes… we’re just not interested.  Calling us a “bitch” or “fat heifer” just cause we shot you down isn’t going to get you very far.  All it does is solidify what a douchebag you are.




The List Volume VI

By |May 28th, 2010|The List|


Thank goodness we have a long weekend… cause it sure has been a long week.

  1. The poles with buttons you are supposed to push to cross the street. They’re bullshit. Nothing ever happens. They’re just there to make you think they care.78405618
  2. People who bump/bodyslam into you on the street and don’t apologize. We aren’t doing tackle drills. Relax.
  3. Men in bandanas. The only men who can pull off  bandanas are Smitty and Bret Michaels: DSCN0112
  4. Smacking trees and other inanimate objects when running. Is this a Foursquare check in I didn’t know about?
  5. Office birthday cake. I don’t even wanna celebrate with you, so don’t judge me when I don’t indulge in your shitty cake. If I’m gonna splurge, it’s going to be on Strip House’s Famous Chocolate Cake.Striphouse__ChocolateCAke2_v1_13_-_Version_2
  6. Katy Perry’s new song, California Gurls. A) you spelled it wrong. B) it sucks. C) No, it’s not cause I’m biased.
  7. Shrapnel that flies off the streets of NY rendering me blind and incidentally causing me to be one of the jerks who doesn’t know how to walk properly on the sidewalk.
  8. Parents who make their kids wear Crocs. Just cause you ruined your life doesn’t mean you should ruin theirs. kellytaylors1
  9. Twitter. I think I’m over you. Apparently, no one cares what I have to say (seeing as I have the same # of followers as I did in 2008) and it really hurts my feelings when someone “unfollows” me. Did I say something to offend you?
  10. Jesse James. Shut. Up.

Enjoy the holiday, kiddos. Don’t forget your sunscreen and headphones to block out the incessant babble of those around you.



Why Did You Date Him: Eye of the Tiger

By |April 20th, 2010|Why Did You Date Him?|


Okay, so everyone is about SICK of hearing about Tiger and Jesse, but I’m going to go ahead and throw in my two cents.  I mean, why wouldn’t I? However, I’d like to focus more on the female side of things.

A lot of people have wondered how on Earth these ladies didn’t know there was something going on behind their backs. They’ve hypothesized that Elin must have known and was just hanging around for the $$. Cha-ching. The same can NOT obviously be said about Sandra though, seeing as she was the bread winner. So dub tee eff was going on?

Well, luckily (or unluckily), I have some perspective from both sides of things.  In one of my past relationships, my bf was unfortunately “stepping out” on me. I don’t know exactly what it was that gave me the inkling that he was doing so, but once I had that gut feeling, my anntenna was UP. Way up.  After finding some incriminating texts (more like sexts),  raunchy emails, and some retarded Tweets,  I knew I’d been right all along. Now, some may argue that I was digging for things, and while that may be true, the evidence was still there. Whether I had looked for it or not, he was still cheating on me. So, here’s the kicker… I stayed. Somehow, he was able to convince me that I had hallucinated the entire thing and none of it had really  happened. Dub tee eff was my problem? Well, I wanted to believe him. It was easier to stay and pretend things were okay than to acknowledge that I was on a one way flight to Bullshitville.

Eventually, events transpired that made it impossible for me to stay. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say, I understand Elin and the golf clubs…


On the flipside, I have also been the girl that guys with girlfriends have pursued. I know, it’s horrible. While, I typically tried to keep things at arm’s length, the attention is flattering and that damn ITIS syndrome always seems to kick in. I had no real intentions of being with them, but it was fun for a laugh and to see how far you could get them to go. Ugh. I’m going to need to go do some Hail Mary’s shortly. I always thought to myself, “HOW does this chick not know her bf is such a scumbag?” Ironic, no? I do believe I was put in such situations to understand what had happened while I was being cheated on. I learned how freaking EASY it is for guys to cheat and understood the feeling of the “other woman.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m no Michelle McGee. My moral hiccups always seemed to kick in and I couldn’t go through with things, but had I been a different type of girl…


At the end of the day, I don’t think that either of these women was sticking around for money or perks. When you love someone, it is always hard to walk away from it, even when you know you need to. Just because they are in the public eye (now more than ever), doesn’t mean they aren’t real women with real feelings. Being cheated on is hurtful and embarrassing. I would NEVER wish the pain on someone else. Eventually it gets to the point where you have absolutely no choice but to get to steppin’ and never look back. My final advice? Homewreckers, keep it in your pants. You’re not that “special.” Victims of dbaggery? Run (don’t walk) at the first sign of scum. Dbags, the truth will always come out… eventually. Enjoy the ride while you can and hide all golf clubs and sharp objects. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.