So gentlemen, read carefully. Ladies, please feel free to print this sucker out and affix it to any and all men’s bathroom doors.
- Money can’t buy you love. Yes, it’s true. Girls love gifts. And while this may work for a little while, there will come a time when you need to pony up and show us what you’re made of. A new pair of Louboutins for every you time you $*%* up will fill our closets, not our hearts. (Sidenote: bragging about your cash is vulgar. It doesn’t impress us -at least not the nice girls- it just makes us think you’re insecure).
- Your grooming habits and products should not be more complex nor should they take up the space of mine. A little “manscaping” is one thing. Highlighted hair, waxed brows, and manzilians aren’t things that I want to have in common with you. If I liked girls, I’d date Ellen Degeneres.
- Man boobs. Never, ever should your breasts resemble your lady friend’s. If you happen to be one of those gentlemen who grew mammaries overnight, at least cover them up by not wearing a silky shirt that emphasizes your newly swollen teets. If you happen to pass by the mirror and turn yourself on with the tittays you see, it’s time to hit the gym.
- Pushing women out of the way to get on the subway/train, front of the line, etc. first. Who are you? Did you not have a mother? Have a little bit of class. Forget what ya heard, chivalry is not dead.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger. You, my friend, have now joined the ranks of Jesse James and Tiger Woods. Congrats. Oh, and by the way, Jesse – all men do not cheat.
- Cat calls. Um, how’s your ROI been on those? Remember this little experiment?
- Tank tops. They aren’t meant for you. I don’t care if you are some cutie patootie with nice triceps. You still have armpit hair. And furthermore, by you wearing that tank top, you’re sending the message to other men (probably the ones who have no business wearing one) that it is, in fact, fine to flaunt the fat.
- Belching, farting, scratching. We get it. These things happen. The body must function as it will– not at its will. Thing is- we don’t need to know you do it. Just like women never poop. Some secrets are meant to be kept.
- Bromances. It’s nice to have friends. We love our girls’ nights too. However, dating (aka taking care of) one guy is hard enough. Don’t make me babysit your bestie too.
- “No” means “no.” This may be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes… we’re just not interested. Calling us a “bitch” or “fat heifer” just cause we shot you down isn’t going to get you very far. All it does is solidify what a douchebag you are.