So, I’m sure you’ve all heard of Crocs. That’s unfortunate and I’m sorry. For some odd reason, these things caught on fire and for the life of me I can not understand the appeal. What? Do they give you magical powers or something? There has GOT to be a reason that people subject themselves to looking like students of the local clown college.

I was under the impression these were originally for women who garden.  So, I went on their website to try and understand where these things spawned from, but I still don’t get it. And even if they were originally intended for “boating” why are people wearing these anywhere other than their schooners?

What I REALLY want to know is who the hell is wearing these? Seriously, who? I’m lucky enough to live in New York where as bad as some of the fashion is here and there, no one is falling for this whole “Crocs” thing. (Phew!)

There is absolutely nothing sexy about these. Not even Adriana Lima naked wearing Crocs is sexy (so maybe that’s pushing it- she’s hot, but you get the point).


Apparently, now you can get your Crocs with fur. These are called “Mammoth”. As in the size of the mistake you’re making by wearing these. Okay, so your feet are cold… then put on boots. Who is going to wear, not only backless shoes, but backless shoes with HOLES in them when their feet are cold??


Honestly, I don’t even have words for these. Okay, yes I do. What on God’s earth would you be wearing these for? The style description for the “Trailbreak” says to “get out and get it done.” I am not sure exactly what it is that you are going to “get done” by wearing these, but I can’t imagine it includes any of the following: getting a date, making friends, or looking cool.


Okay, so now I’m just baffled. Crocs is really crossing the line here with me. I’m actually starting to take it personally. So, you say that you are a functional shoe. Well, we all know that heels are not functional. They are supposed to be sexy. Period. They do not need to be functional and honestly, they don’t even need to be comfortable. They just need to look good. No one is ever going to run a marathon in heels, or garden in heels, or ride on their schooner in heels (well, actually, I probably would). So just cut the crap. You’re not fooling anyone, Crocs.


Oh, so now you’re subjecting your children to these? Now that’s just mean. Do you WANT them to get beaten up on the playground? Naming them Apple and Phinneus wasn’t bad enough??

In conclusion, I think these things are wretched (in case you couldn’t tell).  If you can give me a legitimately good reason why you would put these shoes on, I’ll buy you a pair. But good luck convincing me why ANYONE should ever wear flotation devices as shoes.