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Why Did You Date Him: A Case of the Ex

By |January 27th, 2011|Why Did You Date Him?, WhyDid Wisdom|
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The other day I had to pull an intervention on a girlfriend who was being completely crazy and masochistic.  Though I love her dearly, I had to save her from herself.  What was her problem?  She was obsessing over an ex… The real problem? It wasn’t her ex.  It was her boyfriend’s ex.

For some reason girls love to know about their boyfriend’s exes.  I can not explain this.  I think we want to find out why it didn’t work and obviously compare what an “upgrade” we are to his old flame.  While a little curiosity may not kill you, if you let the need for knowledge get out of hand, you will drive yourself bat shit crazy.  Thanks to Facebook, Twitter, and the good ol’ Google, you can do quite a bit of reconnaissance work.

However, be careful how deep you dare to dig because once you see some things, you will never be able to erase them from your brain.  In all honesty, yes, he did have a life before you.  Yes, he has had other girlfriends.  And yes, he did most likely care about them at some point in the previous relationship.  Also, don’t forget that you have a past too.  I doubt your boo wants to think about all of the boys before him and I doubt you’d want him to.

I had a guy friend once tell me that his girlfriend brought up his ex so much that he had now thought about his ex MORE in his CURRENT relationship than he did when he was dating her.  How crazy is that?  You said you’d never have a threesome… yet it looks like his ex will be joining you every night in bed.

As if orchestrated by the heavens, I read a quote yesterday that perfectly summarized all of this:

If it happened before you, then it really doesn’t concern you. Don’t let an ugly past ruin a beautiful future. – Rob Hill Sr.

The point is, his ex is just that- his ex.  If he loved her and wanted to be with her, he would.  Do not get so caught up in the past that you completely destroy any chance of a future.  You, my girl, are smart, beautiful, and wonderful and that’s why your boyfriend is with you.  He’s not the one who can’t get over his ex… you are.

Get over it.

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Date Him?: Attached at the Hip

By |December 31st, 2010|Why Did You Date Him?|
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Recently, I’ve seen a lot of shows including “man caves”, girls’ nights out, and fellas griping about the old “ball and chain.”  (This may or may not have something to do with the continuous loop of HGTV shows we’ve been watching). I’m a bit put off by all three of the former terms.  First and foremost, I need to understand a man cave. What is it that goes on inside of said “man cave” that must happen within those confines?  Why can’t these goings on take place in, say, the living room?

Also, I enjoy a cocktail with the girls as much as the next woman, but I never feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get away from my man and have a cosmo in my hand in the next five minutes.  I don’t need to spend the next three drunken hours discussing the very same men that we were itching so hard to get away from. I can’t imagine dating, let alone being married to someone who I didn’t genuinely enjoy being around.

My man friend and I are starting to become the real life  Alex and Simon from The Housewives of New York City, except about 450,000 times less creepy and I’m 157% certain my love is not playing for the other team.  Since we started dating, we haven’t ever slept a night apart. Basically, I came to visit him and just never bothered to leave. Some may think that is strange, but there is quite honestly no one else I’d rather spend my time with (except for Smitty).  Being around him is like being with myself.  A good friend of mine once told me that when you are with the “right” person, it’s like being all by yourself.  No, she didn’t mean you are sitting there talking to a brick wall.  What she meant was that there are no airs. There are no expectations.  You are being fully and completely yourself. There’s no show and you don’t have to be on your best behavior until the credits roll.

Granted, he does go to work Monday through Friday, so we are apart (albeit we talk on iChat all day…). I just want to be around him because we are always having fun and it’s always easy.  Now, let’s go ahead and take a step back.  There is something to be wary of here.  Wanting to be with someone for the former reason is a great thing in my book.  However, if you have ulterior motives for wanting to be with someone or if the feelings are not mutual, you may be in for some trouble.

With an ex, the reason I wanted to be by his side at all times was because I knew the moment I was out of sight, he would be trying to bag the next pretty young thing who walked through the door.  I was constantly on edge and I knew in my heart of hearts that when he was on “business trips” or boys’ trips (that’s a WHOLE other topic, mind you), it was fairly (read: very) likely that I was not the last voice he’d be hearing before bed. My reasons for wanting all of his time and attention were not out of genuine love and desire.  They were out of fear. Now that’s just not healthy. Whether or not my feelings were validated, I was miserable and that’s no way to live.

Though you may want to spend every waking moment and very last breath with your boo, be sure to make certain that these feelings are shared.  It should be pretty obvious if they are.  You won’t have to ask or beg or fight or trick or threaten about it. It will just “be.”

So if your man is acting more like a neanderthal down in his “special place” and you’re out with the girls drinking to forget that he’s ignoring you in his cave, then maybe its time to reevaluate and perhaps roll a boulder in front of the opening to his man cave. Just a thought.

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Date Him: Deciphering the First Date

By |December 10th, 2010|Why Did You Date Him?, WhyDid Wisdom|
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The holidays are a great time to couple up with someone new. With all the parties and the cold weather, why wouldn’t you want someone to share it with and snuggle up to? Be wary though… it’s about quality not quantity. You can size up most guys by the type of first date they take you on. While some guys are looking for that special someone, others are simply looking for a little bit of booty (by that I mean alotta bit). Here’s a breakdown to help you break it down:

  • Coffee Date: This is a joke. I, myself, have never gone on a coffee date. Probably because if someone asked me on such a ridiculous date, I would immediately block his number. Someone who asks you on a coffee date is one of three things: cheap, a cheating boyfriend/husband, just not that into you.

  • Meet for Drinks: In New York, this is a pretty common date. Probably because the city is full of a bunch of alcoholics looking for the BBD (Bigger Better Deal). This one can mean a few different things- He’s looking to get laid and plying you with alcohol is just the ticket. He’s meeting his girlfriend/wife for dinner. He’s not sure if he likes you yet and this is your interview. If he does, you may get the dinner invite after a couple glasses of pinot.

  • Dinner and a Movie: This is just boring and he’ll probably be bad in bed. (*Note: this only applies to the FIRST date).

  • “Group Date”: This is red alert, mayday, SOS shit. There is a much larger issue at hand if your date needs to have his posse with him. This isn’t an episode of The Bachelor and you’re not Vince from Entourage.

  • “Meet me Out”: This is not a date. Getting hammered on promoter’s vodka and grinding to Usher does not a date make. Period.

  • Romantic Dinner for Two: I don’t mean a stop at In N Out Burger. I mean pulling out all the stops- flowers, romance, picking you up, opening doors, chivalry. If he can commit to a quiet dinner, he can probably commit to a lot more.

  • Something Physical (and I don’t mean in between the sheets): Doing something physical and new is a great way for a new couple to bond. There is a reason they have people skydiving and tight rope walking on all those crazy dating shows. A guy who puts some thought into a date is worth keeping around for a second date.

Hopefully this will help you navigate the single’s scene. Dating is not easy- this I know. Another thing to keep in mind: Under no circumstance should a guy ask you out over text message, Twitter, or Facebook. If he can’t pick up the phone, I can’t be bothered. Happy hunting!

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Date Him: If You Have to Ask…

By |December 8th, 2010|Why Did or Why Don't?, Why Did You Date Him?|
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I should be shot for admitting this… but the other day I was watching Married to Rock on E! (I know) and one of the women on the show- I believe her name is AJ- decided that it was time to take matters into her own hands.  She is the only one on the show who is not officially “married” to rock.  Apparently feeling left out, she hits the jeweler and picks out a rock for herself and starts to plan a grand proposal to her rocker love.

Um, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news… but if you have to ask… you probably already know the answer.  There is no reason that you should need to go out and buy your own ring (not to mention his) and essentially propose to yourself. If  a man wants to marry you, he will.

By putting your man on the spot, you may end up with an unwanted outcome.  We all know, most men would probably rather remove their own penises before having to tell you the awful truth.  So, while he may say “yes” out of sheer horror, I fear that you may be in for your very own frightfest down the road when he realizes he doesn’t want to go through with it.

There are some gender roles that don’t need to be reversed. Just sayin…

So, would you propose to your man?

xx,

WhyDid

Why Did You Date Him: Deal or No Deal?

By |November 19th, 2010|Why Did You Date Him?, WhyDid Wisdom|
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Recently, a male friend was filling me in on the details of his current romantic situation and he mentioned that his lady love had dished up an ultimatum. Yikes! All had been going well- or so he thought- until she let him know that it was her way or the highway.

While he was a bit caught off guard by what she’d said, I knew precisely what she was up to. Women often like to throw out a good ol’ fashion ultimatum in hopes that it will scare the pants off her man and secure her role in the relationship.

I mean, I don’t want to play Captain Obvious here, but your dating life is not a gameshow, ladies.  Trying to pull trickery on your man isn’t going to get you any closer to the Showcase Showdown and I can pretty much guarantee it’s not going to land you a briefcase full of a million dollars

I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic, so, I, too am guilty of pulling this little move.  My mom warned me once to make very certain I MEANT what I was saying before saying it.  There’s no point to an empty threat. There’s a reason I had moving boxes stacked in my old apartment three months before actually moving out.

When giving an ultimatum, there are several possible outcomes. So, go ahead and brace yourself for one of the following:

  • Your mate will call your bluff.  This is when you better be ready to pony up and face the consequences of your words.
  • Your mate will no longer take you seriously. Ever hear of The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Overuse empty threats too often and eventually you will not be taken seriously. Your words are now watered down and have zero credibility.
  • It will work. Temporarily. When you have to “force” someone to do something it isn’t natural and will eventually implode . Yeah, sure, you got him to stay a few months longer because you threatened to kill yourself if he left, but really? He probably now a) thinks you’re bat shit crazy, and b) is plotting his exit strategy every time he looks at your crazy ass.

If you think threatening a man is going to get him to do what you want, you’re sorely mistaken. The fastest way to get a man to run for the hills is by trying to paint him into a corner. Feel free to go ahead and spin the wheel of love, but I can’t promise it won’t land on “bankrupt.”

xx,

WhyDid

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