There will be certain times in your life when it’ll be okay to fake the funk or fake it til you make it, but there are other things that one should be absolutely uncompromising about. At times it may be a close judgement call, while other times the answer is blatantly obvious. Should you ever get confused, below is a list of a few hard and fast rules when it comes to fakes. (I know some of you will more than likely not catch the Aqua reference, so catch yourself up here).
- Fashion. Counterfeit goods aren’t just bad for the economy, but they’re just an overall bad look.
- A relationship. It’s always better to be alone than with someone you don’t love or who treats you poorly.
- Interests. Do what you like. Be who you are. If someone doesn’t like it? Eff ‘em.
- Nails. That’s what gel manicures are for.
- Friends. Ain’t nobody got time for them
- Hair color. Change your hair, change your life.
- Confidence. Sometimes, once you’ve faked it a time or two, you’ll start to believe it.
- Your phone number. Dudes can be relentless.
- A tan… although it’s always more fun to earn your tanlines, your skin will thank you later.
- A status update. Sometimes you’ve gotta leave people wondering…
Now, I’m off for the evening…
It’s true I rarely know what day of the week it is, let alone the actual calendar date, but as far as I’m aware, this past Saturday was not, in fact, Halloween. As I sipped on my pinot at a party in Soho wearing a sweater dress and over the knee socks, I watched the influx of costume clad cuties circle the room(s). Sure, there were moments when I had a tough time discerning who was actually dressed up and who was just abusing the right to wear spandex, but I was left wondering if I had missed the memo. I’m no party pooper, but I think it’s safe to say I’m officially old when the thought of dressing up for Halloween sends sheer panic rather than anticipation through my veins. Maybe it’s because I don’t need a specific holiday to look sexy or to wear lacy lingerie or maybe it’s because nearly every costume under the sun has been done. Or perhaps, and most likely, it has something to do with the fact that putting the word “sexy” in front of something, doesn’t actually make it sexy. And since it would seem that this year Halloween will be dragged out for the better part of a week, here’s a guide to what doesn’t fall under the umbrella of “sexy.”
- Pilgrims, Amish, and clergy- especially when impregnated.
- Most cartoon characters. With the exception of Jessica Rabbit, they are meant for children… and while your costume is small enough to fit a child, there is no correlation.
- Anything 80’s. Had it not been for French cut bathing suits and cocaine, I don’t think anyone would have had sex during that decade.
- Food in general. I tried to think of a food that might be considered sexy, but I don’t think dressing up as an aphrodisiac would even get me in the mood.
- Anything involving the words “gold” and “digger.” That’s a great way to send guys running… the other way.
- Certain animals were not mean to be sexy. Cats, yes. Squid, no. Bunnies, yes. Dolphins, no.
- Clowns. Never clowns. Ever.
- Anything involving scar tissue.
- Much like animals, not all occupations are sexy. A naughty nurse is one thing, but a playful plumber? Not so much.
- If it requires assistance when using the restroom, it’s too much and therefore, not sexy.
It’s like sometimes things are so infuriating that my mind explodes before I can find the time to actually get my thoughts written down. Maybe it’s like a sort of natural lobotomy? Or one of those secret agent notes that will self destruct in seven seconds? I know plenty of obnoxious things have happened to me in the last week– let alone month, but when I sit myself down to type up the list, my little manicured fingers just hover there idly above the keyboard and my brain is blank. But then I remember…
- Girls who can’t seem to comprehend “girl code.” There’s a reason men coined the phrase, “bros before hoes.”
- The woman in my hallway who told me, “Not everyone likes dogs,” after having been greeted by mine.
- People who move their lips when they read.
- Unsolicited relationship/life advice. Thanks, but no thanks.
- Dogs’ faces when forced to go outside in the rain.
- Having to take your dog outside in the rain.
- The rain.
- Irish exits when not being performed by me.
- When Smitty barks while I’m applying eyeliner and nearly gouge out my eye.
- Being unfollowed on Instagram. Especially by someone I know. Obviously, I take Instagram very seriously.
Until next week,
In case you’re just tuning in (or don’t follow me on Instagram), I have been away for the week. I was becoming a creature of habit and starting to meld into the concrete jungle I call home. After two failed attempts at heading north with a man friend, I finally relented and spent five days meandering from Boston to Ogunquit to Gloucester and back to Newport. Leaving the city with your love interest can be a bit scary and incredibly enlightening. They say you really get to know someone, for better or worse, while on vacation. Well, not only did I learn a few things about my travel buddy, I learned a few things about myself and better travel practices while taking in some truly breathtaking scenery. (more…)
So, this one time I left my wallet in the back of a taxi. I had a near meltdown. But my friends reassured me that they’d heard lovely stories about people returning lost wallets or being able to track down their lost items after filing a report. Well, neither of those happy endings are a part of my story. My wallet was never to be seen again. Credit cards were canceled, sentimental items mourned, and fingers crossed someone in Guam hadn’t stolen my identity. After having toted my passport around for the past year without a single stamp earned (turns out leaving the borough doesn’t count), I decided it was probably a good time to replace my driver’s license. Should have been fairly straightforward, but that’s not really how my life goes… so yeah, that’s how I spent last week.
- People who complain about things, but don’t bother doing anything about them. Like, that 1am pizza? Not doing anything good for your thighs. Trust.
- Asking the male bathroom attendant for a tampon and then having to pay two dollars for it.
- Bed Bath and Beyond. If you didn’t have ADD before you got here, welcome. How else do you explain the potato masher and popsicle molds you definitely didn’t need?
- I finally figured out what PHD stands for: Pinnacle of Hell, Dude.
- Seeing an ex-boyfriend’s wedding photos on Facebook after another. bad. date.
- Herald Square.
- Herald Square in the rain. Crowds are bad. Crowds with umbrellas are what nightmares and video games are made of.
- Explaining something tedious very explicitly to someone knowing full well by his/her blank expression that you’re wasting your words.
- Walking outside only to feel as if your skin just melted off.
- When the outcome has become too predictable.
Hope your week was less obnoxious (and cooler) than mine.