It’s true I rarely know what day of the week it is, let alone the actual calendar date, but as far as I’m aware, this past Saturday was not, in fact, Halloween. As I sipped on my pinot at a party in Soho wearing a sweater dress and over the knee socks, I watched the influx of costume clad cuties circle the room(s). Sure, there were moments when I had a tough time discerning who was actually dressed up and who was just abusing the right to wear spandex, but I was left wondering if I had missed the memo. I’m no party pooper, but I think it’s safe to say I’m officially old when the thought of dressing up for Halloween sends sheer panic rather than anticipation through my veins. Maybe it’s because I don’t need a specific holiday to look sexy or to wear lacy lingerie or maybe it’s because nearly every costume under the sun has been done. Or perhaps, and most likely, it has something to do with the fact that putting the word “sexy” in front of something, doesn’t actually make it sexy. And since it would seem that this year Halloween will be dragged out for the better part of a week, here’s a guide to what doesn’t fall under the umbrella of “sexy.”
- Pilgrims, Amish, and clergy- especially when impregnated.
- Most cartoon characters. With the exception of Jessica Rabbit, they are meant for children… and while your costume is small enough to fit a child, there is no correlation.
- Anything 80’s. Had it not been for French cut bathing suits and cocaine, I don’t think anyone would have had sex during that decade.
- Food in general. I tried to think of a food that might be considered sexy, but I don’t think dressing up as an aphrodisiac would even get me in the mood.
- Anything involving the words “gold” and “digger.” That’s a great way to send guys running… the other way.
- Certain animals were not mean to be sexy. Cats, yes. Squid, no. Bunnies, yes. Dolphins, no.
- Clowns. Never clowns. Ever.
- Anything involving scar tissue.
- Much like animals, not all occupations are sexy. A naughty nurse is one thing, but a playful plumber? Not so much.
- If it requires assistance when using the restroom, it’s too much and therefore, not sexy.