A lot of laughter with mom and a little too much wine left me a bit hungover the other day. Just about the time I started to feel better, you know around 5pm when the whole day has been a wash, my dear friend sent me this link. All the feelings of nausea returned. Plus, I got the shakes. WHAT?! It would appear that UGG is capitalizing on the billion dollar bridal market by designing their own offering in wedding day footwear. When is this going to stop?
It started off innocently enough with brides choosing comfort over couture by wearing tasteful flats and delicately adorned sandals. Not my cup of tea, but understandable. Then all hell broke loose and any and all rules went out the window. Brides started wearing Converse, cowboy boots, and TOMS under their gorgeous gowns. The days of elegance, glamor, and femininity are long gone. Modern brides seem to be trying to come up with new and clever ways to make their mothers (not to mention grandmothers) grimace. What’s wrong with a classic pump or bejeweled heel?
What’s next? Crocs? Oh wait…
Can you still get that annulled? Well, I guess you guys’ve thought of everything, haven’t you? I remember feeling bummed that I might have to wear flats on my own wedding day, so I can’t even begin to fathom wanting to wear anything less than five inches and fabulous on my stroll down the aisle towards eternal bliss. So, my question is: Are we doing this?
Clearly, I’ve been spending a lot more time on wedding blogs as of late. They have become a part of my daily web reconnaissance. The problem is that they all look exactly the same. Now, I don’t blame the blogs for this. I blame the people having weddings. Why do people spend so much time and money trying to make their weddings “different” when they all come out looking like carbon copies?
I can almost predict the photos. The “rustic setting”, the homemade stationery. How utterly ironic. What? Did you turn into a hipster the minute you got engaged?
*Disclaimer: This is not for anyone who has already had a wedding and may have incorporated some of these details. This is for the fine ladies out there planning their pending nuptials. Please break the monotony.
Here are the top ten wedding trends that probably need to stop. Like, right now:
Paper banners with kitschy sayings.
Cupcakes. They are $&*#ing awesome!!!! We know.
Macaroons. They look pretty, but no one wants to eat them.
Using lettuce for your floral decorations. Okay, this isn’t lettuce, these are called succulents (emphasis on suck).
Mason jars. No one wants to drink out of something that may have once contained bolts.
Color coordinated candy bars.
The shoe picture. Might be the bride. Might be the bride and the groom. Either way… this picture will happen.
Speaking of shoes… cowboy boots.
… and TOM’s.
Mustaches. Did I miss something?
Let’s be serious. This is really just my cry for help. If anyone has some great wedding blog suggestions, please send them my way. You can also hold me accountable if any of this stuff ends up at my wedding.
It’s been a while. Lucky for you, The List is back. One would think there would be far less to complain about in Pleasantville, but stupid people and annoying habits are everywhere. You can run but you sure as heck can’t hide.
.Strip malls. How many different versions of the same thing can there possibly be? I can’t even tell where I am half the time cause it all looks the same. I know I’m close when I see Black Angus and Mini Golf World.
Zuckerberg wannabes. You are not about to the next Facebook. Sorry.
Brides/bridesmaids wearing cowboy boots at weddings. I don’t care if you’re from Texas. This is neither the time, nor the place. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure what that time or place even is.
Automated voice recordings that make you listen closely to a bunch of options so that your call is directed to the correct person… only to have that person ask you all the same questions again. No, it’s fine, I had fifteen extra minutes to spare.
The smell of dirt. How do worms live like that?
People who are still speaking “Sheen.” You just sound like a LOSER when you say WINNING.
Audrina’s new show. Enough is enough. Even that killer bod isn’t gonna hold our attention for more than five minutes of meaningless babble.
Girls who brag about their shitty shoe collections. Steve Madden does not a shoe collection make. Now, this is a shoe collection:
Autotune. When are people going to start singing again?
Malaria. Monday, April 25th is World Malaria Day. Find out how to help here.
So clearly, I have had a bit of extra time on my hands these days. This has gven me the opportunity to conjure up some deep thoughts…
Did I NOT get the memo that cowboy boots are making a comeback? I remember hussing around Manhattan in tiny short shorts and cowboy boots circa 2005, but that was courtesy of the Dukes of Hazard remake (you have NO idea how much it hurts me to give Jessica Simpson credit for anything). Anyway, I’ve seen more than a couple young ladies strutting the streets wearing cowboy boots recently. Now that summer finally arrived and temperatures are nearing the 90’s, there’s nothing I’m less interested in sticking my foot in than a bulky leather boot. P-U. For the record, the original Daisy (Catherine Bach) didn’t even wear cowboy boots.
Now that’s how short shorts are done!
I keep seeing this commercial for Maybelline’s SuperStay 24 Hour Makeup. Um, really? I personally do not wear foundation because I don’t like it, but for the life of me I can not understand why anyone needs to have their makeup stay on their face for 24 CONSECUTIVE HOURS!!! Ever heard of letting your skin breathe? Facewash? Acne?
Dear Carrie Bradshaw- I just rewatched the Sex and the City movie with my mom last night (don’t judge me) and I have a bone to pick with you. Other than the fact that you all overacted your characters, you also gave girls across the country “false hope.” Remember when your sweet sweet assistant Louise (from St. Louis) reminded you to go grab your $450 Manolo’s from the apartment before they changed the locks? And you corrected her that they were $525? Um, well… girls around the globe probably saved up their funds in hopes of slipping on these shoes and finding their own Mr. Big… until they got to the store and the shoes were actually $945!!!