In the digital age, dating has taken a turn for the worse. Things that seem as though they should make meeting a mate more manageable have just become downright scary. Social media has made everyone so much more accessible and while it can be used for good like tracking down that “missed connection” from the L train, it seems as if men are overly stimulated by the bathing beauties and their bikini pics only inflating their egos to the point wherein they think they stand a chance with the 23 year old model from Johannesburg who spends her days squatting, not eating the food in her pictures, and taking selfies, therefore blowing off the perfectly lovely local ladies actually available to them. Along with turning Facebook and Instagram into quasi dating sites, there has since been the inception of Tinder, which will require a dedicated tiger clad post in and of itself at a later date. All of these brilliant advances in technology just so happen to be within finger’s reach for us thanks to our so called smartphones. No need to flip open that archaic laptop, ew. You are just a swipe away from millions of other people in the midst of ignoring their “real life” company to bask in the glow of their screens.
Texting has overtaken the phone call and do not even ask me when the last time I received a hand written anything other than birthday cards from my best friends and family was. Seriously, don’t ask me because I do remember. (Pro-tip: bonus points earned for voice on voice contact, but if you take the time to put pen to paper and mail it, I’m yours). That said, a lot is left to be desired in modern day romance as much of what we are trying to express over text is totally lost in translation. There is no expression, no context, and no way of being sure that your message was received- both literally and figuratively. There is, however, one type of text message that needs no analyzation. Its context and subtext is quite clear.
As we lay in one of my best friend’s cozy bed watching “That Awkward Moment” (insert irony here) last Saturday night, I asked her if she had heard from a particular suitor and I guess his ears– but more likely loins– were burning because as if on cue, her phone lit up and there he was. Instead of your run of the mill midnight “u out?” bro text message, this was something far more frightening. It was the dreaded “dick pic.”
I should have video recorded the reaction. Not only did she not want to open the photo from the preview, she handed it to us to do the dirty work. There was a lot of nervous laughter, a little bit of uncomfortable squealing, followed by a game of hot potato with her iPhone. And should I ever have the pleasure of meeting this guy, I’ll have a hard time keeping it together seeing as I’ve already met his penis. The odd part in all of this (as if there is anything more odd than receiving a photo of a basic stranger’s genitals) is that she has not been on a date with him, has not even kissed him, and hadn’t even responded to any of his messages for the past two weeks. Post deleting his message and blocking his phone number, we managed to sleep through the night sans phallic nightmares.
When I awoke Sunday to a frantic phone call from the same friend, I postponed my run along the Westside Highway to hear her out. As it turns out, after having headed home and slipping into a sweet slumber, another Prince Charming snapped a shot of his cyclops and sent it her way. Again, someone who she had not been responding to all evening. Two dick pics in less than twelve hours? That’s got to be some kind of record, no?
And maybe my friends and I are alone in this and you all can chock us up as prudes (though that would be fairly inaccurate), but I’m really wondering if AND WHO?! are the ladies out there requesting pictures of male packages leading modern day men to believe that all of us are interested in a salami slider sent straight to our cell phones. I imagine that somewhere along the line, these guys were given the green light by some broad because they seem to think this is the ticket to ride. It’s as if they had the thought process of, “Oh, she’s not responding to my messages? I’ll just send her cock shot. That’ll get the rooster crowing!”
Here’s the thing: Women just aren’t aroused by pictures of your penises. It’s science and I can speak from personal experience. I had an ex who loved to send me penis portraits that I had never commissioned. And some would say that so long as you’re actually sleeping with the sender, a photograph of his nether regions doesn’t seem all that offensive. However, he enjoyed sending photos of his ship without wind in its sails. Not sexy. Plus, I’ve already been acquainted with your personal kayak, so don’t fill up your camera roll with your scrotum selfies. Save space for pictures of your niece or your lunch. Basically, you’re more likely to get my panties in a bunch by sending a picture of a puppy or perhaps your face. Although, I did recently receive an unsolicited and shirtless “right before bedtime selfie” that was very Jersey Shore. We are no longer dating.
So, to the fellas out there, please stop sending us pictures of the land down below because we don’t want our passports stamped and to the ladies… are you down with the D or is this the modern day equivalent of flashing?