What. The. Hell? I’m not sure I even know where to begin. I’d like to address her outfit, but am currently so caught off guard by whatever the hell is happening on her head. Is she a muppet? Raggedy Ann? Is she still “burning” from her Eminem video? Why is she doing this??? She used to be so pretty! Riri… help me help you.
Um, so first and foremost, I’m going to pose the question: When is the last time MTV actually even played a music video? Do people still make videos? Why? Seems like a whole lot of money to dump into something that has zero return rate, no? Kinda like a first wife.
Anyway, I’m not going to even bother with any type of fashion recap, cause quite honestly, it was all wretched and I don’t want to suffer through it for a second time. It’s bad enough that MTV will now continuously replay the VMA’s for a solid two an a half weeks. So, in case you missed it (and you miss it for the next 465 times they play it), here’s all you need to know:
Eminem is the smartest man on the planet. Demand that you open the show. Collect your money. Get the eff out of there.
No one felt like actually singing last night (minus Usher and Taylor Swift). Lip synching is the new black.
Lady Gaga is still a freak.
Chelsea Handler (god lover her) needed more vodka. I was almost as uncomfortable watching her as she was delivering her punchlines.
Taylor Swift and Kanye apparently still aren’t over it.
It seems hair streaks are coming back in “style.”
Justin Bieber is going to be a huge dickhead in two years.
Rihanna still looks like a muppet.
Speaking of muppets, Lindsay Lohan stopped by.
I need to watch more TV, cause I didn’t know who half the people on my screen were.
MTV probably needs to start playing more music videos or stop having the VMA’s. One or the other.
It would appear that Pharrell drives a Chevy.
There’s only one way to tell the difference between Justin Bieber and Hilary Swank
EVERYONE has a British accent.
Jared Leto is channeling Ellen Degeneres.
Taylor lost her shoes. Oops.
Kanye does not grasp the concept of irony.
And there you have it folks. Nothing to see here. Keep the line moving.
So, as I was perusing Facebook on my Blackberry last night while I waited for my girlfriend to return from the bathroom, I became irate. I think people are abusing the right to “update” their “status.” This very same topic made “the list” not so long ago and it seems that some of you did not get the point. Here is just a small sampling of the updates that I encountered:
I haven’t been up this late in a long time. Thanks, coffee!!
Alright, world. I’m ready for you.
Hahahahaha…. just giggly
i <3 mamosas
bored… so I’m off to tan.
laying in bed
Is so so so sad.. Thought it was my turn to be happy??????
It’s party day!
It’s going to be a crazy day….crazy crazy crazy!!
is St. Tropez.
easier said than done….. coulda woulda shoulda..
Apologies if one of those is yours. Upon reading these to my friend, a cleanse of my Facebook friends was strongly suggested. While a few were certainly sacrificed, I figured I’d give some status update pointers before ridding my account of the rest of you Facebook status spammers.
Spellcheck, spellcheck, spellcheck. That little red line under the word you just typed is trying to tell you something. Another rule of thumb? Don’t use words that you can’t spell.
If you are on Facebook, we already know that you’re probably bored. No need to broadcast it.
A half assed coy “happy” or “excited” post is bullshit. No one likes a tease. Either spill the beans o or don’t.
Don’t forget to remove the “is.” You are a not a city, a country, or an emotion.
Broadcasting your personal problems is what therapy is for. No one on your friends list is that interested. If you need help, call a professional.
I don’t care what you had for breakfast and neither do your 300 other “friends.”
Facebook is not meant for bragging about how great your life is. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?
You are not Eminem. Quoting song lyrics is unnecessary. I get it, you’re feeling exactly like Christina Aguilera did when she wrote the lyrics to her last ballad- except she didn’t write it. Her producer did. Shut up. No one cares.
I do not need a play by play of your schedule. Facebook is not a Post-it. If you need a reminder, write yourself a note.
Before you post, ask yourself, “Would I give a shit if someone else wrote this?”