So, as I was perusing Facebook on my Blackberry last night while I waited for my girlfriend to return from the bathroom, I became irate. I think people are abusing the right to “update” their “status.” This very same topic made “the list” not so long ago and it seems that some of you did not get the point. Here is just a small sampling of the updates that I encountered:

  • HAPPY!! 🙂
  • Many things.
  • Ugh. 🙁
  • I haven’t been up this late in a long time. Thanks, coffee!!
  • has anxiety.
  • Alright, world. I’m ready for you.
  • lazy Sunday!!
  • Hahahahaha…. just giggly 😉
  • 🙂 yay
  • i <3 mamosas
  • bored… so I’m off to tan.
  • laying in bed
  • is excited 🙂
  • so tired.
  • Charmed&Dangerous! 😉 XO
  • Is so so so sad.. Thought it was my turn to be happy??????
  • It’s party day!
  • It’s going to be a crazy day….crazy crazy crazy!!
  • is St. Tropez.
  • easier said than done….. coulda woulda shoulda..

Apologies if one of those is yours. Upon reading these to my friend, a cleanse of my Facebook friends was strongly suggested. While a few were certainly sacrificed, I figured I’d give some status update pointers before ridding my account of the rest of you Facebook status spammers.

  1. Spellcheck, spellcheck, spellcheck. That little red line under the word you just typed is trying to tell you something. Another rule of thumb? Don’t use words that you can’t spell.
  2. If you are on Facebook, we already know that you’re probably bored. No need to broadcast it.
  3. A half assed coy “happy” or “excited” post is bullshit. No one likes a tease. Either spill the beans o or don’t.
  4. Don’t forget to remove the “is.” You are a not a city, a country, or an emotion.
  5. Broadcasting your personal problems is what therapy is for. No one on your friends list is that interested. If you need help, call a professional.
  6. I don’t care what you had for breakfast and neither do your 300 other “friends.”
  7. Facebook is not meant for bragging about how great your life is. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?
  8. You are not Eminem. Quoting song lyrics is unnecessary. I get it, you’re feeling exactly like Christina Aguilera did when she wrote the lyrics to her last ballad- except she didn’t write it. Her producer did. Shut up. No one cares.
  9. I do not need a play by play of your schedule. Facebook is not a Post-it. If you need a reminder, write yourself a note.
  10. Before you post, ask yourself, “Would I give a shit if someone else wrote this?”