Um, so first and foremost, I’m going to pose the question: When is the last time MTV actually even played a music video? Do people still make videos? Why? Seems like a whole lot of money to dump into something that has zero return rate, no? Kinda like a first wife.
Anyway, I’m not going to even bother with any type of fashion recap, cause quite honestly, it was all wretched and I don’t want to suffer through it for a second time. It’s bad enough that MTV will now continuously replay the VMA’s for a solid two an a half weeks. So, in case you missed it (and you miss it for the next 465 times they play it), here’s all you need to know:
- Eminem is the smartest man on the planet. Demand that you open the show. Collect your money. Get the eff out of there.
- No one felt like actually singing last night (minus Usher and Taylor Swift). Lip synching is the new black.
- Lady Gaga is still a freak.
- Chelsea Handler (god lover her) needed more vodka. I was almost as uncomfortable watching her as she was delivering her punchlines.
- Taylor Swift and Kanye apparently still aren’t over it.
- It seems hair streaks are coming back in “style.”
- Justin Bieber is going to be a huge dickhead in two years.
- Rihanna still looks like a muppet.
- Speaking of muppets, Lindsay Lohan stopped by.
- I need to watch more TV, cause I didn’t know who half the people on my screen were.
- MTV probably needs to start playing more music videos or stop having the VMA’s. One or the other.
- It would appear that Pharrell drives a Chevy.
- There’s only one way to tell the difference between Justin Bieber and Hilary Swank
- EVERYONE has a British accent.
- Jared Leto is channeling Ellen Degeneres.
- Taylor lost her shoes. Oops.
- Kanye does not grasp the concept of irony.
And there you have it folks. Nothing to see here. Keep the line moving.