This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, which we all know marks the onslaught of short shorts, miniskirts, and teeny weeny body baring bikinis. While some of you (ahem, calling all 22 year olds) may be itching to kick off your clothes, the rest of us might be feeling a tad more apprehensive about our bikini bodies.
So, if the standard bikini wax and spray tan isn’t going to be enough to goad you into your tiniest Brazilian bikini, I’ve got a few surefire ways to tighten your tookus before hitting the beach. All of these exercises can be done in the safety of your own home so no need to risk the creepy man in a tank top trying to chat you up whilst running on the treadmill.
I recommend doing sets of 30 of each exercise and cranking up my workout playlist in the process.
This past weekend, three of Tinsletown’s loveliest ladies were all seen sporting a little bit of bare midriff while walking the red (err… orange?) carpet. This bit of belly is different from the crop tops of a couple summers past. It’s not so much belly button as it is rib cage. It’s the teeniest little peek-a-boo of skin that is both sexy and playful. It’s less Christina Aguilera Genie in a Bottle and a bit more Gidget Goes Hawaiian. And for anyone who was ever a bit self conscious about showing some torso, don’t worry. This is much more wearable and will keep that fearsome FUPA under wraps.
While some are referring to these as “bralettes” that’s not quite the right term. (Did I not already school you in bralettes?). I would consider these to be cropped bustier tops. You’ll have much more luck when searching using those terms. The trick to this look is pairing your teeny top with a high waisted skirt or slacks. That way your outfit will read “le petite coquette” rather than “big dirty whore.”
There she is. The romper’s big sister, the jumpsuit. Let it be known, I love a good romper, but sometimes, a girl needs a little variety. That’s where the jumpsuit comes in. While the romper is considered to be quite casual, a jumpsuit can easily be accessorized into a striking evening option.
Some good things about jumpsuits:
It’s one stop dressing! Your top and your pants are connected!
Wearing a jumpsuit is kind of like wearing adult onesie pajamas.
It’s no coincidence that when I try to type jumpsuit, I keep typing “humpsuit.”
Some less than good things about jumpsuits:
Probably not going to attract too many fellas with your new jumpsuit induced FUPA.
Awkward moments in the bathroom.
Ready to “jump” on this trend? I like to go all 80’s when accessorizing this trend. Deep side part, pearl accessories, and shimmery makeup. Depending on the type of jumpsuit, you could do both heels or flats (though I might point out you already look like a jerk- probably best to stick with heels). Remember to allot extra time for the restroom and you’re good to go.
We all know there’s nothing sexier than a toned tummy. Just ask “The Situation” as he laughs his way to the bank with a cool five mill. That’s why this week, you guys voted to see how to do a lower ab workout.Granted, I’ve been blessed with genes for a flat stomach (thanks, Mom!) but that doesn’t mean that I don’t work out my abs to keep them in tip top shape.There is no good excuse for a FUPA:
Acronym for “Fat Upper Pubic Area”; common misinterpretations include “Fat Upper Pussy Area,” “Fat Upper Penile Area” and “Farting Under Pelicans Asses.” Also, often confused with FUBU, an overpriced brand of clothes that suburban caucasian adolescent males wear to impress suburban caucasian females who associate the clothing with large genetalia. Descriptive of the phenomenon common with men and women so afflicted by obesity that their pubic area is used to store patches of fatty waste.
“Can a nigga get a FUPA dance?”
“Shake your FUPA like no one is watching”
“You don’t love me, you just love my FUPA biatch!”
In this video, you’ll see six different exercises that will eliminate your FUPA in no time:
While perusing DListed today, I caught sight of something that disturbed me… more than normal.
Oh, I’m sorry, Ms. Anderson, did I NOT already talk to you about this outfit?? Let’s go ahead and overlook the fact that you’re carrying around a book about “big penises” and just talk about you not only RE-WEARING a dress, but a dress that was unflattering and ugly the FIRST time you wore it. I heard you were having some financial troubles, but I can’t imagine that things got so bad that you needed to recycle FUPA enhancing frocks. Oh Pam… you could always make another sex tape. Cougars are all the rage these days. Just a suggestion.