Today while Skyping with one of my besties in New York, we giggled about how at times, I go ahead and take the next exit to CrazyTown. That sometimes, I can be completely melodramatic. And quite honestly, I’m an emotional cutter.
This actually isn’t funny and I’m not like Demi Lovato cutting. I do not inflict physical harm on myself, but I do tend to enjoy inflicting emotional pain on myself. For some reason I like to see things that are going to hurt my feelings. I can’t explain it, but I find myself doing things that I know ahead of time are going to hurt me. I’ve mentioned before that I have crazy P.I. skills and at times those can be really helpful, but at other times they can be totally detrimental to my mental well being.
Why on earth do I need to see that Twitpic? Why would I want to read something mean someone said about me? Why do I want to read blogs that totally rip me off? All very good questions. It’s almost like I enjoy feeling the pain. And don’t you worry. I’m not selfish with my pain. I like to share it with those around me.
It’s like when you have a cut in your mouth and you keep sticking your tongue in it. Perhaps I’m a masochist. Maybe I’m self destructive. One thing’s for certain, I’m fully aware of my problem. That is again, a blessing and a curse. I’m happy to be well aware of my self abusive behavior, however, being aware of such makes me become responsible for myself. So, the other day, I started taking steps forward in “cutting” this self cutting habit from my life. I started deleting toxic people from my life.
If you find yourself participating in this same behavior, ask yourself, “why?” Is it that hard to just be happy?
*(Editor’s Note: after posting this, my wise fiance pointed out that I should remove specific individual’s and specific incidents because I would suffer a great deal of backlash. Therefore inflicting more self harm. See how this emotional cutting cycle works?)