Why Don’t You Eat Me: Locanda, Locanda, Locanda Verde!

By |February 14th, 2010|Guest Blogger, Why Don't You Eat Me?|


Let me begin this post by saying nothing makes me happier than a really good meal. I mean, REALLY happy:  A kid on Christmas morning happy (ok, a rich kid on Christmas morning), a boy finding out how truly pleasurable his “special no no place” can really be happy, a child finding out his parents aren’t really his parents happy (oh wait.. that’s not a happy moment..). Anywho… you get my point! I LOVE ME SOME FOOD!  By the way, folks, a dear friend of mine went ahead and told me I write like a fat chick this week. I grinned from ear to ear and realized that I’m doing a great job because don’t fat chicks LOVE their food? Ummm I’m going to venture out there and say – YES! They sure as hell seem to be well acquainted with it at least.

This week’s restaurant REALLY made me want to drop my panties. This past Friday I ventured to Locanda Verde (meaning “green inn”)  in Tribeca with celebrity chef Andrew Carmellini. Sir, let me tell you: you may celebrate with me whenever you’d like! That is, of course, as long as you’re feeding me copious amounts of your food.


I started out with the blue crab with jalapenos and tomato and sheeps’ milk ricotta with sea salt and herbs crostinis. The sheeps’ milk is one of their fan faves, but I absolutely LOVED the blue crab. (Again one of those instances where I’d choose food over sex).

I then got the steak tartara piedmontese with walnuts, truffles, and crispy guanciale (Wikipedia definition for you folks out there: Guanciale is an unsmoked Italian bacon prepared with pig’s jowl or cheeks.). Ok, so, the guanciale sounds rather nasty with words like pig’s jowl or cheeks stuffed in there with it, but it was far from nasty. Let me just say that I love a good pig! This was probably the best steak tartare (er.. tartara) I’ve ever had. Let’s be honest with ourselves here: with walnuts, truffles, and pig jowl bacon how could it not be?

The main dishes were just as panty dropping and leg spreading as the others. For the mains we got the spaghetti friuliano with cabbage, smoked bacon and pecorino sardo and the roasted sea scallops with lentils, gala apple and pancetta. Now you’re really starting to believe me when I tell you I love pig, huh?  The spaghetti fruiliano was very comparable to a carbonara, but this was like a lighter version that didn’t lose out on any taste and the roasted sea scallops were amazing with the lentils, apple, and pancetta all bursting with these flavors that worked so perfectly together.  Come on… we ALL love when things burst with flavor in our mouths, no? Yes? No? Just me here? Fine.

Who thinks I left here without dessert? Exactly. You know there’s no way in hell I left here without trying dessert. I opted for the toffee date cake with caramelized apples and vanilla rum gelato.  Mixing alcohol with any dessert just makes my legs quiver and this cake and gelato definitely didn’t disappoint.

blue crab crostini

I would say that this place is all ‘pros’ and no ‘cons’ when it comes to food, ambiance, and service.  Even the fellow customers made this place entertaining with the older couple next to me complaining about the prices (um, don’t you check those things in advance? Don’t come if you don’t want to pay!) to the miserable couple with their son next to us (the father was so obviously diddling his secretary and this was a guilt dinner to try and prove otherwise) to the older coug ladies (one even wore leopard print for further entertainment purposes) that were shooting me death stares across the way (I’m terribly sorry that you’re past your prime ladies, but it’s simply not my fault that gravity is beginning to take hold and that once youthful glow has disappeared along with your waistline.).

All in all I loved it! You’ll love it! We’ll all love it and wars will cease to exist and world peace shall reign! I’m determined that good food will lead to world peace. Why you ask? 1.) When people are eating, they aren’t talking. No talking means no stupid bs coming out of someone’s mouth. 2.) When people are eating, they aren’t fighting. Who shoots a gun with a cheeseburger in hand?  3.) When people are eating, they’re generally happier. I can tell you from personal experience that I am one grumpy beyatch when I haven’t had a feeding in awhile. So the moral of the story is keep feeding me and keep feeding yourselves good food and the world will be a much happier place!

WhyDon’tYouEatMe gives Locanda Verde 4 out of 5 mouths. This could possibly go up to 5 out of 5 after I have been there a couple more times and tried more of the food.  So feel free to take me at any time!


See you next Munchin’ Monday!




**WhyDon’tYouEatMe bases its mouth scale solely on food quality and taste ranging from one mouth (meaning you probably would have rather eaten road kill) to five mouths (meaning you saw God while eating this food).