After feeling officially old by having to help (an even older) friend celebrate his birthday at a NIGHTCLUB last night, I realized that I could be helpful to some of you young ladies.  I’m still in my 20’s but a few years can make all the difference. Here are some things I wish I’d known as a fresh face in the big city.

  1. I mean, first and foremost, don’t date a DJ. (This also includes club promoter, club owner, or any other kind of “nightlife” type).  You’re just asking for trouble. They have opposite schedules from you (unless you’re a cocktail waitress or bartender). They are constantly surrounded by “temptation.” 9 times out of 10, you’re going to get burned and I don’t mean from a bottle sparkler (though that’s possible too).
  2. Don’t show up where you know your ex is to try and “show him what he’s missing.” There’s a reason he’s your ex. He isn’t “missing” anything- most certainly not you. Go home. Save face.
  3. If you insist on parading around in front of your ex, don’t over-slut it. There’s a fine line between sexy and stripper. Don’t cross it.
  4. Put on a bra for heaven’s sake. You’re 20. Your boobs should still be perky. This is why I’m an advocate for either fake boobs, or flat chests. They don’t sag. (I told you I’m very black and white).
  5. Alcohol not only makes you fat, it also ages your skin. While going out every single night sounds like a good idea in theory, you’ll thank me later when you’re still getting carded at halfway to 30.
  6. Going along with #5, let people wonder where you are. Remember when Paris Hilton was on EVERY SINGLE red carpet? She was like a cockroach who just wouldn’t die. Don’t be a cockroach. Stay home. Read a book. People will be more excited when you DO decide to show up.
  7. You aren’t going to meet your future husband at a nightclub.  If you think you are, you’re going to wake up at 30 and wonder where all the nice guys are. They’re home. Being a functioning member of society. Not at a nightclub on a Tuesday. Promise. Hell, I pinky swear.
  8. Less is more. How many different ways can I tell you this? Don’t spend 8 hours perfecting your outfit. Everyone’s drunk anyway. Between that and the strobe lights, no one will be able to tell you what you wore last night. Besides, do you really want to ruin your new Herve by being doused with cranberry and vodka? (B tee dubs, stick with soda as a mixer. Fewer calories and doesn’t stain).
  9. Please don’t be “that girl.” We all like to have fun, but don’t be the one with the lampshade on her head. You want to cherish these fun moments in life, but that’s kind of hard when you’re black out drunk.
  10. Nothing good ever happens after 2am. Go home.

You’re young. Have fun, but heed my advice. Just think of me like your big sister- just here to help. I wish I’d had some words of wisdom from someone (slightly) older and (much) wiser. Moisturize, drink plenty of water, take 2 Advil and call me in the morning.



Oh- P dot S… white guys- Don’t dance. Just don’t.