Suit Up

In case you weren’t already aware, I’m a swimsuit aficionado. I own more bikinis than most Hawaiians and I wish I had more reasons to wear them. (hint, hint, fellas).

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about swimsuit season as I am though. Last year, I gave some tips on how to find the right bikini so let’s go ahead and revisit those really quickly and then I’m going to add some more rules to help guide you to looking like Brooklyn Decker on the cover of SI. (Well, keep your top on).

• First, you need to take a good look in the mirror and determine your body type. What part of your body do you love and want to emphasize? What parts are not your favorite?
• Get a bathing suit that is flattering on YOU. Don’t grab one because you saw it on someone else or it is trendy. Bathing suits are a personal thing and just because Marisa Miller looked hot in it, doesn’t mean you will (I know, we all want to look like her).
• Thongs are either meant to be worn under your clothes or on your feet. Please do not wear thong bikinis. There is the TINIEST percentage of the population that looks good in them (mostly based in Brazil). You are more than likely not one of them.
• Speedos are not cute. Ever. It’s a swimwear version of leggings as pants.
• Get waxed. WhyInGayHell did it, so can you. No one wants to see your burning bush. Promise.
• Don’t be afraid to mix and match. Switch it up. Go ahead and wear a top from one bathing suit with the bottom of another. Just make sure they do coordinate in some way (i.e. same color family, complimentary colors).
• Guys- your shorts shouldn’t be super baggy, and they also shouldn’t be super short. Aim for right around the top of the knee. Also… lay off the crazy flower patterns and flames. Simple is good.
• Hit the gym. Not only is it good for your health, it’s good for my eyes. You want to look like a well oiled machine when you’re splashing in the sea. Flab is in no way fab.

Trouble with the Tush?

Maya makes a great bikini that is incredibly flattering on the derriere. They have added a little cinching on the back so that it gives your booty more definition. They also aren’t large bottoms, which goes along with my guidelines for good fitting bikinis.

Maya Signature Cut and Triangle top in Cherry Coral, $185

Tata Trauma?

If you’re looking for a little more up top, try to get something with embellishment or ruffles, or pattern.

OndadeMar Girly Ruffle Bikini, $144

Does your cup runneth over? The key is support, support, support!

Becca Bungalow Bandeau Top, $80, bottom, $64

Tummy Terrors?

I’m not the BIGGEST fan of this new “high waisted bikini” thing, but I do get where it could be helpful for some. This is a good way to make your trouble zone look a little slimmer.

Free People Printed High Waist bikini, $198

Hopefully this will put you at ease while swimsuit shopping. Vacations are meant to be fun and this carries over to your swimwear. Now go grab a cocktail and trashy novel and soak up the sun.

xx,

WhyDid

The Money Shot…

Typically I find the big award shows to be one big snooze fest. It seems like a lot of people wearing the gowns they weren’t able to wear at their senior proms. However, this year I was pleasantly surprised. Despite the fact that I spent my morning doing the oh-so rigorous Intensanti with WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady, I didn’t fall asleep (let alone yawn) during the red carpet pre-show. Below are some of the good, bad, and just plain ol’ ugly.

The Good:

Speaking of pleasantly surprised, Meryl Streep looked stunning in Chris March (Project Runway). She is a great example for the older actresses everywhere (take note: she covered her ARMS!!). An absolute perfect choice.

Sandra Bullock has really never looked better. Her hair and makeup make her look totally feminine and this dress by Marchesa is truly a departure for her. Obviously Oscar worthy.

Some may disagree with me, but she’s SARAH JESSICA PARKER for crying out loud! Would you really expect her to wear some run of the mill satin gown? Abso not! The pale yellow of her Chanel gown is beautiful on her and I love, love, loved her gigantic hairdo. Matt, you’re not looking too bad either.

Despite the fact that Miley is slouching as if she’s got osteoporosis at age 17, I thought this was a wonderful choice for her (Jenny Packham). It’s a little more grown up, while still maintaining a youthfulness about it. Well played, Hannah Montana.

At first, I wasn’t a believer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for Rachel McAdams. She’s a gorgeous girl. This dress absolutely grew on me like fungus and it is so different from the typical tulle and taffeta. Bravo, Elie Saab!

Not a huge Cameron Diaz fan, but I am a fan of her in this Bulgari creation. She looks absolutely delightful.

Elizabeth Banks looks amazing in this grey number by Atelier Versace. My only call out? That cheeseball headband. Just too much.

I don’t usually find the men’s outfits all that enthralling, but I do love that Robert Downey Jr. decided to be playful with his accessories. Sometimes it gets so boring with everyone in the standard black and white.

The Bad:

I’m 50% sure that Tina Fey is, in fact, wearing a Bump It. Yes, a Bump It a la Snookie on the Jersey Shore. This Michael Kors dress would have been okay on her, if she had just styled the rest of herself correctly.

This dress by Reem Acra isn’t HORRIFIC, but it does remind me of something my grandma would wear by the pool in Palm Beach. To “top” it off, her hair looks like she was getting in a last minute pre-Oscar workout and didn’t have time to wash it, let alone, dry shampoo.

I have a serious girl crush on Amanda Seyfried, but I do NOT have a girl crush on her Armani Prive. It is not a flattering color for Amanda and it is just too much dress for her. Better luck next time.

I think someone summed it up best when they said, “George Clooney looks like a lesbian.”  I mean, I have to agree. What is going on? And what is going on with Elisabetta’s shawl? Are we really at Junior Prom?

The Ugly:

First of all, WHY ARE YOU HERE??? That being said, your Armani Prive frock is a fashion fail. It looked like cotton candy gone wrong (as if that’s even possible). For a curvy girl, you should know better than to draw more attention to your hips than you need to.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Really? Were you on your way to a luau and lost your way? Your Dries Van Noten looks like a Hawaiian shirt gone all kinds of wrong. Mahalo.

Oh, did you forget you silverware? No worries, Carey’s got you covered in her Prada gown encrusted with all different types of hardware. Dig in.

Diane Kruger is typically a fashion dream come true, but she’s kind of my worst nightmare in this dress by Chanel.

Yike, yikes, yikes! Zoe Saldana is fashion schizophrenia in her Givenchy gown. The top is actually kind of beautiful. Unfortunately, the red carpet isn’t shot from the waist up. The bottom looks like a cross between a purple poodle and a garden of hydrangeas.

Okay, seriously? Do I even need to go into a diatribe about the nipple covers on Charlize’s Dior gown?

And the Ridic:

I mean, this is all I’m going to say (quote), “If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot.” Um, thanks for the… err… visual, Gabourey.

All we really wanna know is where was Lindsay Lohan?  Now back to the beach.

xx,

WhyDid

Breaking You Off

Oh… it’s that time of year again. What time you ask? Time to break out the bikinis, dust off your beer bong, and apply the sunblock. It’s Spring Break time.

It’s the one week of the year that youngsters are given a hall pass to act like complete and utter dbags with basically no repercussions. Just because you’ve earned your bachelor’s doesn’t mean that you can’t fake the fun. We haven’t forgotten about you.

This week on WhyDid, we will teach you everything you need to know from how to pack efficiently, to how to apply the perfect spray tan, to how not to look like a jerk in your swimsuit. All you need to do is stay tuned and crack open a cold one.

xx,

WhyDid

Behind Every Fabulous Woman is an Even More Fabulous Gay Man

It has been hypothesized that if Britney had had at least one gay in her life, the meltdown of  ‘08 may have been avoided.  I tend to agree with this.  In my opinion, every great girl has got to have a great gay somewhere in her life.

Ever heard of Lady Gaga?  Oh, you have? Well, guess what.  She has a little something called the Haus of Gaga and it consists of a team of her best friends who are also responsible for all of her amazing/ridiculous outfits. Who wants to wager on their sexual orientation? Just saying…

Gawker did a little number on the gay/straight relationship and while there are some valid points, I don’t completely agree with it. Sounds like it was written by a bitchy queen who doesn’t value real friendship. I have been blessed to have one of the greatest gays I’ve ever met be a part of my life. He likes my boy drama and is always down for a little shopping trip- but that’s because he’s actually my friend. I listen to his boy drama too- and if he’s looking for a sequin blazer, I’m right by his side. But alas, they’re right about not trying to set up your gay. I wouldn’t even know where to begin (top? bottom?) and we often bicker about why each other’s prospective love interests SUCK.

That being said, there’s a plethora of reasons why girls need gays:

• They will tell you if you look fat. I’ve always said that when it’s time to shop for wedding dresses, I’m bringing a gay man. They have nothing to gain/lose by telling you the truth. Once, while getting ready for a big event, my gay bff informed me that he, in fact, hated what I was about to walk out the door in. This caused an emergency wardrobe change. My clothes have never come off faster!
• Speaking of changing, feel free to prance around in your pantaloons. He doesn’t care. When slipping out of my dress, we started hysterically laughing about his incredibly close proximity to my nipple.
• Sleepovers!! It’s nice to have a man around the house. Especially one whose socks you don’t have to pick up. How nice is it to have some testosterone without having to worry about a knock at your “back door” in the morning?
• Considering most gay men pride themselves on being well groomed, well, dressed, and all around good looking, they make for great arm candy. Don’t have a date to your upcoming function? Bring your gay bff. They look great in the photos and they’re probably a lot more fun on the dance floor than whatever suit you were planning on bringing.

Now, they aren’t like a handbag. A gay man is not an accessory and shouldn’t be treated as such.  Make sure you friendship is just that… a real relationship with someone who you care about. Basically, a gay man is the perfect hybrid between your best girlfriend and a boyfriend minus all the drama. I really can’t think of anything better. (Though the maltese/poodle hybrid is up there).

So what am I trying to say? Basically, Brit Brit wouldn’t have lost her shit shit if she’d had a gay compadre to reel her crazy ass in.

xx,

WhyDid

A Word to the Wise…

After feeling officially old by having to help (an even older) friend celebrate his birthday at a NIGHTCLUB last night, I realized that I could be helpful to some of you young ladies.  I’m still in my 20’s but a few years can make all the difference. Here are some things I wish I’d known as a fresh face in the big city.

1. I mean, first and foremost, don’t date a DJ. (This also includes club promoter, club owner, or any other kind of “nightlife” type).  You’re just asking for trouble. They have opposite schedules from you (unless you’re a cocktail waitress or bartender). They are constantly surrounded by “temptation.” 9 times out of 10, you’re going to get burned and I don’t mean from a bottle sparkler (though that’s possible too).
2. Don’t show up where you know your ex is to try and “show him what he’s missing.” There’s a reason he’s your ex. He isn’t “missing” anything- most certainly not you. Go home. Save face.
3. If you insist on parading around in front of your ex, don’t over-slut it. There’s a fine line between sexy and stripper. Don’t cross it.
4. Put on a bra for heaven’s sake. You’re 20. Your boobs should still be perky. This is why I’m an advocate for either fake boobs, or flat chests. They don’t sag. (I told you I’m very black and white).
5. Alcohol not only makes you fat, it also ages your skin. While going out every single night sounds like a good idea in theory, you’ll thank me later when you’re still getting carded at halfway to 30.
6. Going along with #5, let people wonder where you are. Remember when Paris Hilton was on EVERY SINGLE red carpet? She was like a cockroach who just wouldn’t die. Don’t be a cockroach. Stay home. Read a book. People will be more excited when you DO decide to show up.
7. You aren’t going to meet your future husband at a nightclub.  If you think you are, you’re going to wake up at 30 and wonder where all the nice guys are. They’re home. Being a functioning member of society. Not at a nightclub on a Tuesday. Promise. Hell, I pinky swear.
8. Less is more. How many different ways can I tell you this? Don’t spend 8 hours perfecting your outfit. Everyone’s drunk anyway. Between that and the strobe lights, no one will be able to tell you what you wore last night. Besides, do you really want to ruin your new Herve by being doused with cranberry and vodka? (B tee dubs, stick with soda as a mixer. Fewer calories and doesn’t stain).
9. Please don’t be “that girl.” We all like to have fun, but don’t be the one with the lampshade on her head. You want to cherish these fun moments in life, but that’s kind of hard when you’re black out drunk.
10. Nothing good ever happens after 2am. Go home.

You’re young. Have fun, but heed my advice. Just think of me like your big sister- just here to help. I wish I’d had some words of wisdom from someone (slightly) older and (much) wiser. Moisturize, drink plenty of water, take 2 Advil and call me in the morning.

xx,

WhyDid

Oh- P dot S… white guys- Don’t dance. Just don’t.

We’re So Mad

We love themes. Not sure if you heard. So, when our dear friend, CindyLou told us she wanted to celebrate her birthday a la the Mad Hatter, we were all over it.

And don’t be silly.  There were obviously cupcakes involved (it IS Cupcake week after all).

Cuppies courtesy of Red Velvet… now we’ve all tested them out and WhyDon’tYouEatMe was dead on (obvi). Good news for our sweet tooth, bad news for our thighs and heads.

xx,

WhyDid

(music: La Roux- Bulletproof)

You’re a Sweet Treat

We all know that cupcakes are utterly impossible to pass up (just ask my thighs). Want to be as irresistible as our favorite baked sweet treat? Here are a few fun products that will have you looking and smelling as pretty as a cupcake!

Dylan’s Candy Bar Chocolate Cupcake Ice Cream Sugar Scrub, $20

13 piece Cupcake Lipgloss bucket, $5.95

Buttercream Cupcake Body Butter, $16

Jaqua Pink Buttercream Frosting Shimmer Lotion, $10

Cupcake Panties, $29

Cupcake Perfume Oil Roll-on, $8

So lather up, slather on, and wait to be devoured ( you won’t be waiting long).

xx,

WhyDid

You Are What You Eat.

So, you get it. We love cupcakes. They’re delicious. They’re pretty. They’re basically irresistible to most humans… I know they say, “you are what you eat” but there is no real reason to actually LOOK like a cupcake. It IS possible to have too much of a good thing. That being said, why is it that some of these celebs look like they’ve taken their cupcake obsession to the red carpet?

I have actually NO CLUE who this girl is, but I do know that she looks like a baked confection. (WhyInGayHell, can you help a sista out? Who is this?)

Oh, Carrie. Usually the picture of perfection… Now you just like a moldy cupcake.

Lil Mama, I’ve been salivating over your picture and not cause you look like a cupcake. I mean, what IS this that you’re wearing? It’s a lot. And what the hell does it say across your chest? I’m getting old and my eyesight is going.

Funfetti anyone?

Um, Sarah, you’re cupcake’s missing the icing. You’re a naked cupcake. (FYI- icing is the best part).

A lot of people tried to guess WTF Rihanna was channeling with this little get up. Well, we’ve cracked the case, folks. She’s a cupcake.

Natalie is just one big blob of icing. She and Sarah should get together and even out their cake to icing ratio.

I mean, you knew Paris wasn’t going to let us down on this one. She’s a cross between a black and white cookie and a cupcake. Although… that might be a pretty delicious crossbreed. More delicious than her channeling Charlotte York.  You’re not fooling anyone, P.

And the sprinkles on top of our cupcake… This is the epitome of asscake.

So,  I leave you with this, my friends. It’s fine to love cupcakes, but please, please, please don’t take your obsession to the extremes (i.e., your wardrobe). And on that note, WhyDon’tYouEatMe and I are heading to the gym, seeing as we’ve eaten our body weight in cupcakes this week.

xx,

WhyDid

Make Sure Your Cupcakes Don’t Suckcake

So, thanks to my magnificent colleagues we now know a lot more about cupcakes. We know where to buy them, we know where to go to have them double as a cocktail, and we absolutely know what to do with them if they become a gift gone horribly wrong…eat them. Now, I have to do my part and help you decorate these delicious treats.

First, you have to think about why you’re making the cupcakes in the first place. Are they for a party? Does the party have a theme? Does the party have a guest of honor? If there is a theme, what is it and how can you add to it? If there is a guest of honor, how can you honor them with your baked goods?

Examples:

If I were going to bake cupcakes for WhyInGayHell, they would without a doubt be rainbow. He’s gay, people – it makes sense.

Think about the person that you’re baking for and their personality. Try to capture them with your cupcakes!

For a baby shower, keep it simple and sweet. No need to over do it with “baby stuff.” They’re cupcakes – they’re cute enough as is. I love the idea of keeping  it monochromatic and clean.

Another super cute and super easy way to personalized cupcakes is with sprinkles.  All you have to do is go to Michaels, grab some stencils and go to town.

I will leave you with some words of wisdom. When in doubt – spell it out.

Thanks, Martha.

Now I am a sap and this is actually how one of my friends proposed. Sorry Marc…

Here are a few more creative ways to decorate your cupcakes. The key is to think outside the box (or pan).

Now go make your own creative cupcake conctions and send me pictures!!

Lady Malkin’s Tip of the Week: To keep cupcakes moist, the freezer is your friend. The refrigerator is not! Freeze cupcakes and let thaw 20 minutes before serving.

xx,
WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady

Hey, Sweet Thang!

We’ve officially dubbed this week “Cupcake Week.”  We’ve been stuffing ourselves with cupcakes lately (we’re total cupcake whores) and decided to share our wealth of knowledge in all things cupcake. And honestly, who the hell doesn’t love a good cupcake?

Stay tuned to hear about the best places to gorge yourself with frosted goodness, how a cupcake could potentially ruin your life, and how to look as pretty as a cupcake. You’re welcome!

xx,

WhyDid