Hey- this one’s for you, guys. Yeah, I know there are guys sneaking on and reading this. Don’t act like you’re not.  It’s come to my attention that a lot of you have diarrhea of the mouth and are scaring the ladies off before you even get a chance to ask for those digits. Since, the weather is starting to get nice and the ladies are coming out of hiding, I’m going to give you a few pointers so that you don’t spend your summer sad and lonely.

Here are a few things that are sure to get a fork in your eye if you utter them to your lady friend:

  • “Don’t you know who I am?’ – Well, sir, if you have to actually ask, no, I don’t know who you are (nor do I really care).
  • “You look tired.” – This is basically the same thing as telling us that we look like shit. Smooth move.
  • “Is that what you’re wearing?” – Don’t. Just don’t. The only man who’s allowed to say this to us is our gay bff.
  • “Are you going to eat all that?” – Um, don’t mind if I do. Wasn’t aware I was on Celebrity Fit Club. This is the fastest way to give your gf an eating disorder and some serious insecurities.
  • “How many people have you been with?” – Why don’t you go ahead and mind your business? You’re never going to get an honest answer… just like we’re never going to get one from you. So just leave it alone.
  • “I forgot my wallet.” SHUT UP. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
  • “She’s just a friend.” Liar. You may as well carry a fire extinguisher with you, cause you’re pants are on FIRE.
  • And last but, most definitely not least: Don’t make false promises. Girls, as my friend, JT would say, “Don’t give up the ass until you see the cash.” Pretty wise advice. In my few years living in NY, I’ve been promised a record deal (um, not kidding), vacations, presents, jobs, etc. I’ve seen about a 5% return on these. (Obvi the record deal never happened seeing as my singing voice resembles that of a cat getting neutered). Fellas, don’t offer it up unless you’re ready to deliver. Ladies, there is NO such thing as a free lunch.

So, the next time you feel the onslaught of verbal suicide, just refer to these guidelines to save yourself from a lifetime of solitude.