In case you weren’t already aware, I’m a swimsuit aficionado. I own more bikinis than most Hawaiians and I wish I had more reasons to wear them. (hint, hint, fellas).
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about swimsuit season as I am though. Last year, I gave some tips on how to find the right bikini so let’s go ahead and revisit those really quickly and then I’m going to add some more rules to help guide you to looking like Brooklyn Decker on the cover of SI. (Well, keep your top on).
- First, you need to take a good look in the mirror and determine your body type. What part of your body do you love and want to emphasize? What parts are not your favorite?
- Get a bathing suit that is flattering on YOU. Don’t grab one because you saw it on someone else or it is trendy. Bathing suits are a personal thing and just because Marisa Miller looked hot in it, doesn’t mean you will (I know, we all want to look like her).
- Thongs are either meant to be worn under your clothes or on your feet. Please do not wear thong bikinis. There is the TINIEST percentage of the population that looks good in them (mostly based in Brazil). You are more than likely not one of them.
- Speedos are not cute. Ever. It’s a swimwear version of leggings as pants.
- Get waxed. WhyInGayHell did it, so can you. No one wants to see your burning bush. Promise.
- Don’t be afraid to mix and match. Switch it up. Go ahead and wear a top from one bathing suit with the bottom of another. Just make sure they do coordinate in some way (i.e. same color family, complimentary colors).
- Guys- your shorts shouldn’t be super baggy, and they also shouldn’t be super short. Aim for right around the top of the knee. Also… lay off the crazy flower patterns and flames. Simple is good.
- Hit the gym. Not only is it good for your health, it’s good for my eyes. You want to look like a well oiled machine when you’re splashing in the sea. Flab is in no way fab.
Trouble with the Tush?
Maya makes a great bikini that is incredibly flattering on the derriere. They have added a little cinching on the back so that it gives your booty more definition. They also aren’t large bottoms, which goes along with my guidelines for good fitting bikinis.
Maya Signature Cut and Triangle top in Cherry Coral, $185
If you’re looking for a little more up top, try to get something with embellishment or ruffles, or pattern.
OndadeMar Girly Ruffle Bikini, $144
Does your cup runneth over? The key is support, support, support!
Becca Bungalow Bandeau Top, $80, bottom, $64
I’m not the BIGGEST fan of this new “high waisted bikini” thing, but I do get where it could be helpful for some. This is a good way to make your trouble zone look a little slimmer.
Free People Printed High Waist bikini, $198
Hopefully this will put you at ease while swimsuit shopping. Vacations are meant to be fun and this carries over to your swimwear. Now go grab a cocktail and trashy novel and soak up the sun.
God, you are hilarious!