I figure there is no better time than in the middle of a blizzard to give a little lesson in bikinis. So what if there is 10 inches of snow in NY?  No time like the present to start thinking about warm weather and teeny bikinis…

I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the field of swimwear and I feel that many women don’t know what kind of bathing suits actually  look good on them, which totally frustrates me. Plus, I do realize that for some (okay most of us) bathing suit shopping can be somewhat traumatic.  Especially after hibernating all winter long. So here are a few guidelines to keep in mind while shopping for this season’s swimsuit:

  • The most common and most annoying mistake women make is thinking that just because they have a bigger booty, they need to wear bigger bottoms (i.e. more fabric, more coverage).  Ehhh!! You are so wrong.  Guess what more fabric does to your butt?  Emphasizes how big it is.  Ever notice how Brazilian women always look amazing in their bikinis?  Their bikini bottoms are cut smaller making their bottoms look smaller.  (Yes, Brazilian women are hot and live on the beach so they know the tricks of the trade). So do not, I repeat, do not go out and grab the biggest pair of bottoms you see in order to cover your rump.  You are only calling more attention to the area you are trying to disguise. (Not to mention you will give yourself a case of what my BFF and I so lovingly refer to as “LA” (Long Ass)).


Here is a smaller cut bikini by Tibi, $190.

  • You need to pick the right kind of top for your chest.  We all love having a strapless or bandeau top to avoid the strap lines, but these are only good for ladies with smaller chests.  There is no support for a big chest and in many cases will give you uni-boob.  Triangles tend to be good for most chest sizes except for the extremely large chests.  You can achieve a similar look as a triangle top if you are big busted by doing a halter top.  There is much more support for the “girls.”


This is a great top option for women with bigger busts.  It is cute and still has the support of an underwire without looking like a bra.  Zimmerman Sandy Dot Bikini, $198.


This is a great two piece from Vix ($74 for top, $74 for bottom)because it allows you to adjust the hardware on the bikini top for different chest sizes. This style is a best seller and they have it on the line every year in different colors.


For those with smaller chests, adding ruffles on the bust will make your cha-cha’s appear larger. Try this bikini by Kushcush, $130.

  • One pieces are very tricky.  I have noticed there are two types of one piece bathing suits- the one piece that is cut out in 50 different places and skimpier than a bikini (a la Tila Tequila) and the one piece that is actually meant for someone who wants some coverage. **NOTE: One pieces shouldn’t be worn by those with really long torsos (can you say, “cameltoe?”).


This is a great one piece for a woman who actually wants coverage. Gives a little cleavage, but covers the tummy and potential “muffin top” in the back.  Silence and Noise Deep V Bathing Suit, $98


And because you know how I feel about fringe, here is another cute option for a one piece if you’re looking for a little more coverage. L*Space One Love Bathing Suit, $135.

  • The fit of the bottom is crucial!  I am obsessed with bikinis and have tried my fair share on.  The way that the bottoms of bikinis are made will really make a difference in the fit.  For example, if there is too much elastic in the leg openings it will give you “double butt” and if there is too much elastic in the waistband, you will get “back fat” even if you are teeny tiny.  I’m a small girl, mind you, and even I have experienced both of these when a bathing suit is ill fitted.  Though most people think of side tie bathing suits (or string bikinis) as less covering, they are actually the most flattering because you can adjust the size of the bikini to fit you better.  This immediately cuts down on the double butt and back fat.  A bathing suit bottom should lay over your booty, not squeeze it.  Look for soft waistbands and stretch the bikini to see if it has enough give before trying it on.


Vitamin A is my go to swimwear brand.  The fit is amazing and the tops and bottoms are sold as separates so you can get an exact fit for top and bottom as well as mix and match your suits.  Here is a great bikini by Vitamin A for $159.90.

  • Boy short bikinis look good on no one except for that freaky .0257% of supermodels.  Do not try this look at home.  You will decrease your leg length by at least 25%.  Leave the boy shorts for your 10 year old niece.

There is nothing worse than dressing room mirrors and fluorescent lighting to expose the flaws we have been hiding under our jeans and sweaters all winter, so hopefully these helpful tips will make bathing suit shopping less painful this year. (Hey, on the bright side we are in a recession so you probably won’t be going on as many vacations as last year). 🙂