Dear Jessica Simpson,
Thank you. Thank you for wearing short shorts that are completely inappropriate for your body type. Thank you for finally giving in and realizing that you are never going to be rail thin and are not, in fact, a size 25. Thank you for making me feel better about eating truffle mac and cheese last night.
Luckily for Jess, denim cut offs are making a come back for summer, so she’s spared there. Unfortunately for Jess, wearing an eyelet bustier and plaid flannel shirt with her cut offs looks ridiculous. We get it. You’re going country. (P.S. I think she’s hungry and trying to eat the microphone. Someone get her a snack so she doesn’t chip a tooth).
I hope that audience members seated in the first two rows of this performance were given some sort of protective eyewear because at any given moment, her bustier is about to burst open and those little hook and eyes are going to go flying! (Can you say, “lawsuit”?)
Ah, yes. The ever so sweet dance moves of J. Simp. Do you remember the “Little Bit” video? Yes, I’ve had beef (pun intended) with Jessica since ’99.
Anyway, thanks again, Jess for making us all feel better about our thighs today.