Dating may be one of the hardest things that we, as women, have to deal with. Fighting frizz? No biggie. Running on cobblestones in five inch heels? Child’s play. Passing the bar? Nailed it. That’s why I’m here to give you some of my greatest life lessons in love. Sure, sure, we all know how great I am when it comes to relationships, but would you ever take advice from someone who hasn’t been through hell? You know, they say those who can’t do, teach. Well, I’m pretty sure that I fall under that category. So, my children, do as I say, not as I do.
- Thou shall not divulge all your secrets upfront. (And don’t expect him to either). I’m not saying be a liar, but hold off on letting him know about your bowel movements or past heartbreaks. Let him fall for you before you scare him off. And be aware: he probably has some secrets of his own that will eventually come to light.
- Thou shall agree to disagree. You aren’t always going to see eye to eye. Learn to pick and choose your battles before beating him to death.
- Thou shall not be desperate. Tattoo this on your forehead: DBDG – Don’t Be Desperate, Girl. Men can smell desperation/vulnerability a mile away. FYI: It’s a pheromone for douchebags.
- Thou shall not make initial contact. Give him the eye, the smile, or the hair toss to let him know you’re interested. Anything past that falls on his shoulders. Make him work for it- you’re worth it, afterall.
- Thou shall not conform. Do NOT tailor your tastes to his. Next thing you know, you’ll be climbing trees in the Redwood Forest when you’d rather be sippin’ cocktails poolside at the Mondrian.
- Thou shall not split the bill. In no situation is it ever acceptable for a man you are newly dating to expect you to go Dutch. If you do the mandatory “reach for your wallet” move and he accepts, he’s either 1). not into you, 2). a cheap mother f*cker, 3). tacky. You don’t not want any of those.
- Thou shall not repeat past mistakes. Uh, this should be self-explanatory, but can speak from experience that it’s not. Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice… It’s my own damn fault. Fool me more than twice, I need to go to rehab.
- Thou shall not double text. Ever. Words to live by: No answer is your answer.
- Thou shall not settle. I know it feels scary now that your Facebook feed reads more of a bridal blog or “Babybook” but that’s no reason for you to feel compelled to grab the next willing young man to be your mate. I can guarantee that being alone is a hell of a lot better than being with the wrong one.
- Thou shall not be a hater. Being bitter won’t ever make it better. Be happy for others who are in love and your prince charming will too some day arrive on his white horse.