We’re All Bitches

(Please note, this post is for you ladies as well. For you, “They’re All Dogs” is the title.)

New York is a city full of millions of people and while you may be surrounded by hundreds of people at any given moment, sometimes you still feel completely alone. Hence, this brings up the question, “Should I get a girlfriend or a dog?” (My friend, swear to you, just asked me this five minutes ago).

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Nine times out of ten, I am going to go with the dog. I may be slightly biased because I happen to have the most awesome dog on the planet, but I do have reasoning to back up my vote for the dog.

They can’t talk- or talk back. (Barking does not count- annoying as it may be at times).
Buying your furry bitch a shirt from Trixie and Peanut is far cheaper than buying your unfurry (hopefully) bitch a shirt from Prada.
Unconditional love. Period. End of story. They do not care if you look like crap, you smell funky, or you didn’t email them enough today at work.
They always want to cuddle and you don’t have to suffer through a round of jack rabbit sex to get a good snuggle.
No matter what time you get home, they are ALWAYS psyched to see you. Rather than your gf (bf) tapping her (his) foot when you stroll (stumble) in at 4am.
Beneful is a hell of a lot cheaper than a meal at Nobu.
They are incredibly loyal. Your dog is not going to cheat on you, leave you for a new owner, or run off to Vegas for the weekend.
Honestly, at the end of the day, I would much rather clean up literal shit than figurative shit.