I am very happy to introduce my guest blogger this week. I remember this pretty little lady when she was merely a sweet little baby girl in middle school. Now, she’s all grown up and ready to take on the world. She’s my very best friend’s younger sister and we were both shocked (and awed) by how wise she is at such a young age. Oh, if ONLY we had been so smart upon graduating college. We probably could have avoided some of our trainwreck romances… but then again, what would I have to write about? Anyway, below is Lala’s advice oh how to avoid any more dating drama:
Are you starting to see patterns of failure in your love life? We , as women, want to believe that our failed relationships should be blamed on men. Maybe you do have a cheater on your hands, or maybe you have a guy who is afraid of commitment. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of skeezy guys whose intentions we couldn’t see coming even if the truth was hitting us right in the face, but when you start to see a pattern of one failed relationship after another, it’s important to realize that it could be you who needs to do the changing.
This can get confusing, and you don’t want to go blaming yourself for everything, so here is how you tell:
- Is there a reoccurring theme in the way your relationships end?
- Do you feel hurt, but completely out of control in cleaning up the debris of your relationship?
- Do you think you don’t deserve answers because of the way in which you let the relationship evolve, and then end?
- Do you get intimately involved too quickly?
- Did you let him talk down to you during the relationship and not stand up for yourself because he wasn’t technically your “boyfriend”?
- Do you see yourself having to let go out of nowhere?
Now, this type of relationship is by no means what any woman would consider desirable, yet some of us are so afraid to be happy, and then hurt, that we set ourselves up with the wrong people, and ultimately, for disaster.
Many of us have a subconscious commitment-phobia. We undermine what we deserve in a relationship because we do not want to be let down by our expectations, so we go for the men who we do not believe we would ever make a serious commitment to. At the beginning, we do not think this person would ever have the power to hurt us. Ultimately, we are terrified of the men who could give us happiness, and then take it away. We have this pathetic preference of numbness over happiness and, potentially, pain.
In order to overcome this detrimental pattern that leads to a completely unfulfilling love life, we need to reassure ourselves of what needs to be done in order to begin a healthy relationship. First, we need to recognize what we deserve, and then expose our vulnerabilities to start something that could actually be real. Tell yourself these five things before the start of a relationship:
- I know I deserve happiness and to get what I want from a man: love, loyalty, friendship, and passion.
- I need to stop talking to losers. If I am not interested, I have to STOP trying to be so nice! Tell him straight up, “I am not interested,” and walk away. We tend to feel sorry for some guys who hit on us and we’re too nice while trying to escape them. They often get the wrong idea and believe that we’re interested. As the old saying goes, you must be cruel to be kind!
- I should try a little harder when I see someone I want. I can’t expect him to do all of the work. It’s not forward to give him “the eye” and a smile. Let him know you’re checking him out! For those of us who are more outgoing, just walk over and start up a convo. What’s the harm?
- I need to take things slow and allow the emotions to build before the sex, not after the sex. I know we like to pretend that men want sex much more than we do, but let’s face it, it’s hard to hold off! Especially when there is a real connection. Just give yourself some time, and make sure you are both on the same page emotionally before you dive into the sheets.
- I need to work on my courage. If I feel something, I should tell him! If he does not feel the same, you won’t have any regrets or wonder what could have been. It also allows you to move on from something that is not fully there. If he does feel the same, game on!
Take these steps in the beginning of your next potential relationship or romance. Understanding what you want and what you deserve before diving in will make that relationship much more fulfilling both mentally and physically.
See, I TOLD you she was smart! Brains and beauty, people. Anyone looking for fresh new voice for their publication? Probs should scoop this one up before someone else does (email me @ firstname.lastname@example.org).