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The List Volume 1/20/2014

By |January 19th, 2014|The List|
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kirsten smithOn the eve of my birth, I’m always a bit reflective.  I think about the year passed and its highlights, low points, and lessons learned.  At first when I thought about this year, I really chocked it up as a loss.  I dated wildly inappropriate people, spent much of my time in a very unproductive fashion, and basically acted like the Tasmanian Devil with a raging case of PMS.  But nothing is ever a complete loss.  I fell back in love with running and Pilates, reconnected with old and made new friends, and finally figured out what it is that makes me tick.  I spent the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 in California, a place where I’d lived before and hadn’t associated with the happiest memories.  I didn’t plan on staying as long as I did, but it turned out to be like emotional rehab– where you drink a lot of wine.  Some may say I spent a little too much time on the West Coast and became soft, but really, I just had a life epiphany, which is honestly, the greatest birthday gift I’ve ever been given.

It took me many years and reading the same book several times over before it all really clicked for me.  For so long I was spinning my tires and trying to figure out how the hell to put this bitch in drive.  There were times I’d stare up at the sky and just wish these answers would come to me- preferably in the form of magic fairy dust… or diamonds.  Would have saved me so much time and quite a bit of agony if someone could have just spelled it out for me.  But that’s the thing about life, the most important lessons are often the hardest earned.  So, I decided to share with you some of the valuable nuggets of wisdom I collected this year. I did this once before, but feel it’s worth revisiting.  Even looking back at that list, I laugh to/at myself at what I thought was most important then- only a couple of years ago- although some of them certainly hold true.

  1. Family is everything and friends are second families.  Cherish them and let them know how much you do.
  2. If you’re going to worry, you may as well pray (to whomever).  Worrying is quite literally a waste of energy.  Use your energy for positivity and prayer instead- or at least go do some yoga.
  3. Never become complacent.  There’s way too much in this world and in you to waste any of your precious time being boring or bored.
  4. All broken hearts heal– and surprisingly enough, each one gets a little bit less painful.  It’s a difficult concept to grasp while in the middle of complete and utter heartache, but I swear to you, you won’t even remember what’s his/her name a year or two from now.
  5. There is absolutely nothing more exciting or more important happening on the internet or social media than what is happening right in front of your own face right this instant.  Be present in your own life and put down your phone.
  6. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.  Spoiler alert: there will always be someone younger, smarter, prettier, thinner, wealthier, etc. than you.  But you’re perfect.  You’re you.
  7. Get healthy now.  When I was 18, I could and would house an entire pizza in one sitting and on my very first test shoot, the photographer and his wife asked what I did to stay in such good shape.  I shrugged and said, “nothing.”  Well, that doesn’t last for most of us forever.  Learn to love wholesome food and exercise and remember there’s a difference between doing it for health and doing it to be “skinny.”  When you switch your mindset, it’s not such a chore.
  8. When you feel like your life sucks, do something for someone who has even less.
  9. Let shit go.  This is something I have struggled and still struggle with, but I finally realized: I am not a caped crusader here to save the world.  It’s not my job to teach people what’s right or wrong.  I often felt it was my duty to make sure justice was served, but like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
  10. People will shock the shit out of you (in good ways and bad).
  11. It really is okay to be happy.  People, society, and advertisers will try and lead you to believe otherwise, but there’s nothing wrong with being happy.  There isn’t anything cool or edgy about angst.  Besides, all negative emotions are rooted in fear.
  12. Don’t worry about everybody else.  They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing either.  Some just happen to be better at hiding it.
  13. It’s a lot easier to be nice to people than mean.  Trust me, I’ve made a living crafting snarky commentary and let me tell you- it’s exhausting.  Also, being kind to someone or complimenting them doesn’t detract anything from you.
  14. Take care of your skin.  It’s the only set you get.
  15. You do not need to be married with children living in the suburbs before the age of 30.  Not doing that or not wanting that does not by any means make you a failure.  If you allow people (or yourself) to make you feel bad about bucking the social norm, you’re going to drive yourself insane and probably end up marrying the wrong guy out of sheer panic.
  16. It’s okay to express your opinions.  Just learn to do so respectfully and eloquently.
  17. Be happy and supportive of others’ accomplishments.  Don’t be a hater because there’s more than enough to go around.
  18. Find what makes you happy and do it.  Figure out what gives you those butterflies in your stomach and makes you smile just thinking about it.  Don’t worry what other people think about your dreams.  They’re just scared of their own.  Fuck ’em.  Yes, you are going to have to do some mundane tasks in life, but don’t do things that you don’t love.  True excellence can only come from a place of love and if you hate what you’re doing, it will show.
  19. Learn when to say, “no” and when to say, “yes.”  Not all opportunities are good opportunities.  And some good opportunities are missed out of fear.
  20. Fall absolutely head over heels in love with yourself.

Somewhere my elders are simultaneously smirking and shaking their heads because I’m fairly certain they did try and teach me these things.  And that’s why I’ll just tell you to forget everything I said and make your own mistakes… you’re going to anyway.

xx,

WhyDid

WhyDid Wisdom: Five Alive

By |December 3rd, 2013|WhyDid Wisdom|
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why did kirsten smithSo, a girl and her computer walk into a bar… five years later and here I sit.  Different computer, same girl.  Kind of.  I nearly forgot that the day may have come and gone because the actual WhyDid launch date is a bit blurry as there was a time when I started on Tumblr and made the switch to my very own URL (what a tedious three days of transferring that was).  What I do know is that it was after a triple date at Pastis either at the end of November or the beginning of December when I sat at my grey desk in my grey cube at Henri Bendel crafting my very first blog post.  I had no idea at the time what the hell I was doing, but I pressed on and before you knew it, it was December again.  The first year I threw a party, but every year following instead of the celebration getting bigger along with my traffic and following, it seemed to get a little bit quieter.  And perhaps that’s my own fault.  Five years?  That’s kind of a big deal and without boring you with stats, facts, and figures, I’ve come a long way from a girl in her cube picking out a Tumblr template in between entering PO numbers.  It’s no longer just my parents and dog reading my posts anymore.  WhyDid’s gone global and that’s certainly something to smile about.  So, why am I the one who has the hardest time being proud of that?

Every year, I toy with the notion of putting down my proverbial pen and this past year was certainly a year when I, again, reevaluated everything and considered shuttering WhyDid’s storefront.  I felt beaten down and emotionally exhausted because it is hard to give a piece of yourself on an almost daily basis that may be judged, criticized, or flat out ignored.  It makes you wonder why you are putting forth so much effort at times, but during each moment of  coming incredibly close to giving up, I’d receive a message or a comment from someone thanking me for what I’d written, for being so honest, or for just being me.  These messages more often than not were from people I’d never met before from places I’ve never been.  Realizing that I’d reached someone and made some form of connection, whether large or small has been WhyDid’s salvation.  That’s why I’m even typing this post from sunny California right this minute.   And perhaps, just maybe (okay, definitely) I should have printed out this post from last year and re-read it from time to time during those “walk away from the ledge” moments.

why did blog kirsten smithMy mom recently told me she found a childhood diary of mine.  She swore she hadn’t read through the whole thing, but she did read a few especially endearing adolescent excerpts from my pre-teen thought catalog aloud that made me half laugh, half cringe.  And while I may blush with embarrassment over such silly juvenile musings of my own creation, it’s pretty special to be able to look back at who I was before the world tainted my precious little soul.

Even now when I look back at the things I’ve written here, the images that caught my eye, the way I styled something, or interpreted a trend, I get a little red in the face but I can quite literally see the ways in which I’ve grown and evolved as a human, writer, and editor.  On more than one occasion I’ve looked back and shaken my head about how foolish I’d been, while other times I’m proud of how far I’ve come.  Sometimes I look back only to realize that I already knew all the answers to lessons I’m still learning… over and over again.

One day I received a really nasty comment on one of my posts, ironically about a year ago, wherein an anonymous commenter (because they’re always anonymous) told me my blog was just a dumb personal diary and that no one really cared what I thought.  At the time, I was really hurt by this verbal drive by, but as I pondered longer, yeah, WhyDid is like my diary.  It’s a collection from my own journey and while it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it’s my kitchen and my kettle and if you don’t like it, that’s okay, find something else to drink.  I’ll still sit with ya.  I also now realize that whoever this person was, didn’t particularly grasp the concept of blogs or social media for that matter.  We’re all documenting something.  Especially in this digital age.  It may no longer be as romantic as a pen and paper or a reel of paper on a typewriter, but it’s just the same.

top knot stylelistAlthough I have yet to be plucked from obscurity and presented with a Pullitzer , it’s those little comments, emails, and messages that keep me going.  At least I know someone out there be it Beijing or Berlin is really reading what I write, truly understanding me, and not just skimming along.  Besides, over the years I’ve learned that sometimes your most loyal supporters aren’t always your closest friends, but perfect strangers who you may never meet, but have kindred spirits and that’s really beautiful.  I have friends, ahem, who don’t even bother reading my blog at all… but I won’t get in trouble for saying so because, well…

Nonetheless, even if no one ever reads what you write, maybe if you never even read what you write, even if it will make no sense to someone who might one day stumble upon it in a pile of antiquities, writing down your thoughts is a gift to your current self as well as future self and potentially someone who needs your words.  A mere sentence or partial phrase with a date can be like a ticket back to memories and emotions past.  We all have old photographs that document the way we’ve changed on the outside, but I now have a vault, a time capsule, of the way my brain and heart and head looked over the past five years and you just so happen to have the key.

Thank you for being a part of my journey.

xx,

WhyDid

 

WhyDid Wisdom: Just the Right Dose of Delusion

By |November 15th, 2013|WhyDid Wisdom|
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We’ve all heard the phrase, “Fake it til you make it thrown around.”  Maybe you’ve looked more deeply into what the sentiment implies or perhaps you’ve chocked it up to just another cliché.  Being someone who has a very difficult time faking just about anything from feelings to a simple smile, I didn’t put much weight into the saying until this past year.

As I watched people basically “dumb luck” their way into success after success, I started to wonder how it was all happening and why the heck was I having such a hard time catching a break?  Looking logically at these various situations as an outsider, it seemed there was no possible way that some of these fairly ordinary people had done much to achieve such extraordinary results.  (Please note, this is by no means me being a “hater.”  I love a happy ending more than a businessman in a massage parlor).  So, I put on my detective hat, which I always have handy, and started to look into this phenomenon more closely.

As I studied these success stories, I started to notice a similar thread between all of the individuals who had hit the dreams do come true jackpot.  Each and every one of them appeared to have no sense of reality.  I don’t mean that these folks were full blown wackadoo’s, but unlike many of us, they didn’t seem to have any inclination towards failure.  There’s a reason people who don’t see any type of barriers or roadblocks are so successful.  The thought of defeat or the possibility that they are completely off their rockers never comes to mind.  They absolutely believe their own delusion and while the rest of us stand there shaking our heads in disbelief thinking they must be mad, they’re hitting it out of the park and realizing their greatest fantasies.

Have you ever listened to rap music?  Rappers don’t seem to have any concept of what most of us consider “real life.”   It’s all beemers, bitches, blunts and beats.  I have yet to hear a rap song about making a late payment on a credit card bill or working an extra shift at Burger King to make rent this month.  I mean, do you think Lil Wayne ever worries about clipping coupons or buying the generic store brand to save cash?  (Spoiler alert: he has a song entitled “No Worries”).  Hell, 2Chainz has already made more money than you and I will probably ever see in our lifetimes.  (See, a rapper would never have that negative thought- and that’s perhaps why I’m still not yet a millionaire.).  They see what they want, start living the lifestyle, and like a self fulfilling prophecy, it all becomes their reality.  It’s quite evident that many rappers have mastered the art of self delusion- or as some might call it, positive thinking.

There is much to be said about the power of thought and there’s good reason why books like The Secret are bestsellers.  As powerful as a positive thought is, conversely, a negative thought can be just as powerful.  We become what we think most about and if your mind is full of doubt rather than delusion, you may be the very reason why you have yet to catch your maverick.  We psych ourselves out with our own feelings of inadequacy and let society’s standards keep our own hopes and dreams anchored down here on Earth.  One can’t be successful when his or her beliefs are heavier than a lead balloon.

Of course, all of this positive thinking is easier said than done.  You don’t have any idea the number of times I’ve become completely and utterly discouraged with my own work.  On more than one occasion I’ve wanted to just throw in the towel and quit trying.  It’s incredibly difficult to work hard day in and day out only to watch others succeed while you are still struggling- a feeling which I’m sure isn’t alien to many others out there.  But here’s the thing.  Despite how delusional or how much lean Lil Wayne is on, he’s probably never sat around being a hermit or crying crocodile tears on his leather couch.  He put on his skinny jeans, hopped on his skateboard and got back to work.  Delusion alone won’t get the job done.

Sure, some people seem to catch the first wave that breaks and ride that sucker right on back to success shore, but not everyone is destined for the same success. You certainly aren’t going to catch your big break pouting under the covers in your ratty sweats.  You’ve got to keep working hard, putting one foot in front of the other especially when it feels like absolutely nothing is going your way.  Rather than focusing on the struggle, think about the everyday successes.  And every time one of those pesky, fretful, negative thoughts creeps into your head, envision yourself where you want to be- like on a yacht surrounded by puppies, rose, and bags of gold coins being hoisted by magical unicorns.

Moral of this story?  You’ll never get what you don’t ask for and no one is going to believe in you or your dreams if you don’t believe in them yourself.  So, dream big, keep your chin up and maybe, just maybe, being just the right amount of delusional is the key to great success.

xx,

WhyDid

WhyDid Wisdom: Crazy is Contagious

By |November 7th, 2013|WhyDid Wisdom|
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kirsten smithFirst things first, we’re all insane.  Some of us hide it better than others.  Some of us are in complete and utter denial.  And some of us have just not had the last little screw knocked loose before going completely and totally mad.  I, for one, have never claimed to be sane.  My self-awareness is both one of my best and worst qualities.

I mean, I’m the girl who went all kinds of Carrie Underwood on an ex after finding him at the strip club across the street from our apartment with a woman wearing a cabbie hat.  That was the first time I realized just how crazy I could be.  Having woken up with bruised hands after beating on the window of the cab they had hopped into upon exiting New York Dolls and pouring my red Solo cup full of beer (thanks to the bar next door for providing me with a to-go cup) on them both, I knew the looney in me had been unleashed.  Thank heavens I must have looked like a raccoon with rabies, because had that lady gotten out of the cab, I ‘m not sure what I would have done.  I’m not the type to take part in a girl fight.  Sorry, Jerry Springer, but I do know karate.

That wasn’t the last time I lost my shit.  Remember my little lost bird?  My human wrecking ball?  (Oh, hey, Miley).  Well, wouldn’t you know, I wasn’t quite through with him.  It’s hard to kick an addiction and I sure do love a challenge.  I’m no quitter.  After having gone north with him and nursing him through a full blown panic attack, I thought I’d seen enough.  But that’s the thing about love, New York, and Pandora’s box, once you’ve been bitten by the bug, there’s no turning back.  If I looked at the situation as a logical human being, which most of the time I am, I knew that it was time to abort mission.  Had one of my girlfriends been sharing her horrifying experience with me, I would have grasped her firmly by the shoulders and shaken her.  However, my cognitive thinking was way out of whack and to be completely honest (another one of my best/worst qualities), I didn’t want to kick the habit.

After an especially volatile text exchange a couple of months ago, I found myself in a puddle of tears on my hardwood floor with Smitty looking on in despair.  I indulged in far too much wine and the lunacy was rolling in like dark storm clouds. Receiving a message that really set me off and having already prepared his grilled cheese, I chucked my phone across the room.  Let’s be clear, I’ve dropped my phone down the stairs on more than one occasion and had a couple of near death experiences with it on the treadmill, I had yet to crack my iPhone screen in all the time I’d had it.  The straw that broke my iPhone’s glass, was me, not an average accident.  I couldn’t even answer my phone, let alone respond to texts without risking shards of glass in my fingers.  Thanks to the cute guys (seriously, they’re so cute) at Gotham iPhone, my cracked glass was repaired, but the same couldn’t be said for my heart– or my sanity.

I knew I’d gone nuts as I stared at my shattered screen.  This was completely out of the norm for me.  After my last breakup, the most tragic of many, I’d behaved like a real lady.  Sure I could have kidnapped his fluffy white cat and left rotting fish in the vents of the Bahl house we shared to haunt him, but I hadn’t.  I took my belongings and my dignity and never looked back.  I thought I’d moved past those emotions when I moved back across the country.  I wasn’t mad or even sad.  Perhaps I just hadn’t cared as much as I’d thought.  To inflict pain on myself, was something I’d never done- though close friends might argue I’m a bit of a masochist.

kirsten smithBut alas, the story doesn’t stop there.  Even after the broken glass, typhoon of tears, and bruised heart and ego, I continued on with the crazy.  A glutton for punishment, I kept trying to put the pieces back together and hold onto whatever it was that had me so hooked.  There’s a very fine line between being loyal and being a lunatic.  I was straddling that line.  So, how on Earth did a seemingly sound woman find herself clinging by bloody fingernails to the last ounce of her sanity?

It took me a while to really grasp what was going on and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a sliver of my heart that belongs to him today.  I’m still in recovery.  The thing is, a seemingly rational person can be swayed to the other side when exposed to too much mania for too long.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. When a person is capable of looking you in the eyes and telling a boldface lie somehow convincing you that you’re the one to blame, more than likely, they believe their own story.  And more than likely if you stick around long enough, you’ll start to believe it too.  No one wants to be rejected and everyone would rather not believe a painful truth.  We all just want to be loved and sometimes it’s just easier to swallow the crazy pill than to be honest with yourself and walk away from something you’ve grown attached to.  But you can’t fix crazy and you definitely can’t fight crazy with crazy.  It’s like when they say never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man. In this instance, you’re the unarmed man.  You will not win.  Show me one guy who doesn’t have a “crazy” ex-girlfriend and I’ll show you a liar.  That girl didn’t become psycho on her own.  They never do.  It’s like when someone knocks down the first domino and the rest just follow suit.

kirsten smithSo, I held on until it was no longer possible.  My fingers had to let go in the end and I was forced to begin picking up my own dominos.  Perhaps the only really crazy part was trying to salvage a situation and person who was completely hopeless.  I was not only staying on the Titanic while it sank, I’d gone ahead and sat down with a cocktail to watch.  I can tell you one thing for sure, no one ever won a prize for staying in the midst of a storm.  So, as I sat and tried to figure it all out in the aftermath, my dad reminded me, yet again, that if I understood why some people act the way they do then he’d need to start worrying about me.  And so, the first moment you detect the slightest bit of batty, you need to cut your losses and look for the nearest exit- unless you, too, want to come unhinged.

 

As it turns out, crazy is contagious and there is no known cure.

 

 

photos by Michael Stielger

Smart Is the New Pretty: Shut. It. Down.

By |October 2nd, 2013|Smart Is the New Pretty|
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On the second day of October, we also find ourselves on the second day of the government shutdown.  I can’t take full credit, but I do hold myself slightly accountable as I haven’t been keeping up with keeping you up to date.  Therefore, I’m reinstating “Smart Is the New Pretty” effective immediately.  Heaven knows it doesn’t matter how great you look if you can’t keep up an intelligent conversation and it would appear that our country is all kinds of out of whack.

Do me a favor and don’t shut down your brain just because our politicians have decided to shut it down.

xx,

WhyDid

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