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WhyDid Wisdom: Standards, Get Some.

By |March 14th, 2013|WhyDid Wisdom|

must be this tall to rideNo matter how old I’ve gotten, where I’ve lived, or what friends have come and gone, there’s one thing that’s never changed: women are always complaining about men.  In some cases for good reasons, but after hearing one too many sob stories about our canine counterparts over Saturday brunch, I started to realize that maybe the ones to blame for the malecentric masochism are us.  I hear the feminists out there getting antsy already, but hear me out.  I’m smarter than I look.  Plus, I’ve made enough terrible dating mistakes to provide sufficient data.

Remember that article in the NY Times regarding the end of courtship?  Guess whose fault that is?  Yours.  You see, technology glorious as it may be,  has certainly made us all a lot lazier.  Like you can’t even spell out the word “you” now?  Yeah, I’ll C U never.  Using technology and social networking as a scapegoat for shortcut dating is also lazy because truth be told, you didn’t have to answer that text.  You didn’t need to geo-tag yourself on Instagram.  And you sure as heck didn’t need to Tweet your exact whereabouts.  So, the common thread here is still you.  I love a happy coincidence of showing up at the same place as someone I’m seeing so long as it doesn’t involve him making out with another girl he’s seeing, but making “the chase” more like a an afternoon nap on the couch may make his life easier, but certainly not yours.

To act as if I, too, am not guilty of these crimes of courtship would be beyond ridiculous, so, please, consider this an open letter to myself.

So you’re wondering why he doesn’t step up to the plate and pull out all the stops for you?  Because you didn’t make him.  I know, mind blowing.  Whether you’d like to believe it or not,  men like you to set standards.  If you don’t ask them to, they sure as the sunrise aren’t going to do it themselves.  And don’t be afraid that asking him to be a gentleman is going to scare him off because if you do ask him to value you (as much as you should value yourself) and he doesn’t want to?  Get to stepping cause it’s only going downhill from here.  Trust.  Some of you think I’m being Prissy Patty here, but wouldn’t you know, I’ve got a few dating anecdotes to drive the point right on home.

I went out with a nice, cute, fun bankery type a few times.  We would meet over drinks or make a general plan to meet up on a Sunday afternoon and while I always enjoyed my time with him and his Polo shirts, I was looking for him to make a real date, not just a “casual hang.”  So one rainy Sunday evening as he walked me home under an umbrella, I decided to speak up.  When I told him to make an actual date, not just another hangout, you better believe I had a detailed email in my inbox first thing the next morning with three different (very creative) date options for me to choose from as well as the weather forecast.  All it took was letting him know.  He’s also been made well aware that should he ever want to get any closer to my pants than perusing Spring’s latest washes at 7 for All Mankind, he must make a proper dinner plan.  He explained that most girls he’s gone out with hadn’t really cared much about courtship nor could they spell it.

Another guy I granted the pleasure of my company was nervous to open my door for me on our first date because the girl he dated before me was apparently offended by the gesture.  Well, yes, it’s true I’m physically capable of opening my own door, but I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t do it for me.  I made it crystal clear that I had no qualms with him being a gentleman and opening my door and so he did open my door every single time until I was no longer getting into his car for a multitude of other reasons. But to the chick who hated having her door opened, come on, sister, stop ruining it for the rest of us.

But for every positive example, there’s always its more entertaining negative complement.

elevator capacityI met a strapping young fellow who seemed to be a bit of a loose cannon (read: probably not a qualified candidate to father my future children), but despite his wild ways, he asked me out to dinner one night over text… at 2:56am.  I waited until the next day to answer although I’d been wide awake at the time and played coy with my response.  The invitation didn’t come again, but instead he did invite himself over late one night to “hang.”  My mistake for obliging him.  Because while the hickey on my shoulder endured (sorry, Dad), long gone are the days of  him inviting me out to dinner.  I don’t count on a dinner at Nobu in my future.  I can, however count on past midnight messages and phone calls.

One gentleman (ha!) who’s a true thorn in my side, has turned into a tragic Telemundo soap opera, bad acting and all.  When he calls, I run.  Not so long ago, his radar alerted him that I’d forgotten all about him and so he dialed my number, and like clockwork I hurried my little behind right on down to the Soho Grand.  To be clear, it wasn’t always this way.  As a matter of fact, for the first half our our “relationship” it was all fun and games (and dinners and dancing) when I made him chase me all the way over to Avenue B, but the moment I stopped playing precious princess, the tables turned… like Teresa Giudice turned.  I made it too easy for him because I was scared that he’d stop calling.  Which is totally ridiculous because he clearly enjoys the chase more than the kill and if he didn’t call?  Good riddance.  I’m seeing him next Thursday.

You see, I’m just as guilty as the gals in the NY Times article though I was appalled when I’d read it the first time.  I no longer know how to spell courtship, let alone dinner and the only person I have to blame is myself… well, and the rest of you.  Did we not learn anything in Psychology 101?  Pavlov’s dogs ring a bell?  (I didn’t even mean to do that).  We’re just as trainable as dogs and we can very easily train people how to treat us.  If I let my dog just pee wherever her wanted he, would.  Well, I don’t let him, but he does anyway– but you get the gist.  Just be careful you’re not being the one being trained to drool when the bell rings.

The bottom line is quite simple: you get what you settle for.  And isn’t being a lady the original form of feminism?

xx,

WhyDid

The List Volume LXXXV

By |October 12th, 2012|The List|

datingSeeing as I’m now back in the dating pool (though I don’t date a lot… reasons following), I have remembered why it is that dating can be both glorious and horrifying at the same time.  While some men are gallant and chivalrous like white knights, others are more like the town idiots riding around town on broke down donkeys.

The good ones are far and few between and the bad ones are so bad, they almost cancel out all the good ones… making me want to just throw in the towel and start the adoption process… and I know I’m not alone in this.  So go ahead and print this out, ladies.  Post it by the watercooler in your office or better yet, the men’s bathroom.  Pass it along anonymously (or not) to the men in your lives in hopes that somehow, some way they’ll get the hint.

berger sex and the city

  1. When you ask for my number and I say I’ll just take yours and then you make me call you so you have mine.  Unfair.
  2. Asking for my Instagram info rather than my phone number.  Are you serious? (By the way, WhyDid is now on Instagram: whydid_dotcom).
  3. Telling me about all the other girls you’re dating.  Well, that clears up what’s going to happen after dinner: Nada.
  4. I appreciate you offering to buy me a drink.  But please, PLEASE, do not berate me for politely declining.  As a matter of fact, you should thank me.  I just saved you fifteen dollars.
  5. If I do not ask you to come upstairs after a date, this is not the time to pout like a child.  Just ’cause you bought me dinner doesn’t mean I owe you anything.

man with flowers

    1. Remembering minor details, ie; I don’t drink anything without a straw.
    2. Finding out what neighborhood I live in and then picking the restaurant based on that.
    3. The ol’ make sure I get in a cab safely tell the driver where I’m going, pass him a $20, and give him a stern warning that I better arrive home in one piece.
    4. Treating my friends as kindly as you treat me (non-romantically, of course).
    5. Not looking at your phone for one second during our date.

Welp, who wants to order in Chinese?
xx,
WhyDid

WhyDid Wisdom: Pick of the Litter

By |August 16th, 2012|Why Did You Date Him?, WhyDid Wisdom|

maltipoosNote: Smitty is not in this photo.  He was busy.  Being coddled by his new mom/soul mate.

I remember sprawling out in the grass in Central Park with my girlfriends one sunny afternoon.  We were killing two birds with one blanket:  catching up on the latest gossip and checking out what kind of hunks Manhattan had to offer.  Forget the Meatpacking District, Central Park was a pure meat market on that particular Saturday.  While scanning Sheep’s Meadow for Big Apple’s buffest, one Adonis-like gentleman caught my girlfriends’ eyes.  As they began to “Ooh!” and “Ahh!” I lowered my Oliver Peoples, assessed the situation, and stated very matter of factly, “His nipples are HUGE!” and resumed scanning that month’s issue of Elle.  My friends gave me a lot of grief for my observation and it became a bit of an ongoing joke, but here’s what: I’ve always known exactly what I’ve wanted and never seen any reason why I shouldn’t have it.  And that includes the circumference of my potential mate’s areola.

Whether it’s been a dress, apartment, hairstyle, or shoes, I knew it the moment I saw it.  I have laser sharp focus when it comes to such things and I really can’t be bothered with anything subpar.  I’d rather have nothing at all than second choice.  Now, I get that I may sound cold and some people may call me critical, but I’m not suggesting we go around judging everyone and everything.  That’s not our job.  Plus, I doubt I could stand up to my own scrutiny.  I’m simply suggesting that in matters of the heart, we should have some standards.  If I’m willing to hold out on a pair of shoes, why wouldn’t I do the same for love?

Many times I’ve referenced the sweet, sweet love of my life, Smitty.  He’s the best friend and longest relationship I’ve ever had… and he was the pick of the litter.  I got first dibs on the four maltipoo pups and I don’t think any of this is a coincidence.  I saw him and I knew.  Now, granted, he really had no choice in the matter… he was coming home with me whether he liked it or not, but it’s a prime example of seeing what you want and going for it rather than taking the little one in the corner who looks sad because you feel bad for him. Analogously, adopting a cat isn’t that bad of an idea, for the charisma & grace that trails them is unparalleled in the animal kingdom. Hence, if you change your mind, consider getting all the prerequisites you’d want from Cat World.

How exactly does this all relate to love?  Well, having grandiose ideas about what you’re looking for in a partner can be off-putting to many.  They may think you’re being idealistic or just too picky.  A lot of people will try and sell you on the dream of, “Oh it might not come in the packaging you think” or, “You should give him a chance.” AKA, lower your expectations. You know what that’s called? Settling.  And guess what?  I’ve done that… and look how well that turned out!

So many times I’ve gone out with guys who are “meh” out of sheer boredom or just hoping that they would grow on me and turn into some fabulous Prince Charming once I got to know them.  Well, here’s the thing.  They grew on me, alright.  Like barnacles.  Nothing good will come out of dating a guy who you aren’t initially interested in.  If I don’t like your face now, I’m certainly not going to like it ten months in once I’ve found out all of your bad habits like leaving your socks on the floor and never folding your towel.

So, I’ve just stopped doing that.  I no longer spend time on the “so-so.”  I don’t bother wasting my new Alexander Wang on just any ol’ schmoe.  I’ll save it for someone worth impressing.  I turned down multiple gentlemen callers on more than one night this past week because I’d really just rather sit home and hang out with my dog, a glass of wine, and an interesting book than exert the insincere effort.  In the past, I’ve found myself gazing across the table thinking… let’s pretend for a moment that I care…

There is nothing wrong with holding out and being a little bit picky.  Perhaps my “near marriage” experience has changed the way I feel about rushing down the aisle just so I’m not “alone.”  Alone is a whole heck of a lot better than a bad relationship.  So, if the guy is wearing a gold watch at the gym, you don’t need to cut him a break.  Move along and wait for your pick of the litter.  Here’s to being picky.  I will gladly sit here solo with my glass of wine, Smitty, and Anna Karenina until Prince Charming does, in fact, show up.

xx,

WhyDid

WhyDid Wisdom: Third Time Is Not a Charm

By |July 12th, 2012|Why Did You Date Him?, WhyDid Wisdom|

charms

They say “Third time’s a charm,” yet that leaves me wondering: Who is “they”? and in what reference?  Because in my experience, especially in love, the third time has been anything but charming.

You see, I am a hopeless romantic and have a bit of an overactive imagination, which is great for writing, not so much for relationships.  Combine that with the dramatically romanticized television shows, movies, and books of our time and you’ve got a recipe for one hot mess of a love life.  I love love, I love seeing people in love, and I am, without question, capable of love.  While some argue that to be a good and even enviable quality, I find it to be a bit of a double edged sword.  The upside is pretty obvious, but as for the downside, well, that’s where things get a bit messy.

For six years I tricked myself (with the aid of a “gentleman”‘) into believing we had some magical “connection.”  So, we had an on again-off again, long distance, lacking all substance, but seriously there has to be something there relationship.  Not kidding, six years.  (I realize this either dates me, or you can’t believe my mom let me start dating at the tender age of 10).  It was as if he had some type of sonar/GPS/radar on my heart.  Each and every time I was in between a relationship, or a relationship was washing up at shore, lo and behold, there he’ be.  Either that or he was a total stalker.  Not even blocking his phone number kept him away, thanks to Facebook.  (Zuckerberg, you trying to ruin my life?).  This couldn’t be coincidence, right?  Of course not!  We were quite clearly very deeply connected!  So what if I don’t think he even knows what I do for a living and the only reason he knows my birthday is because he needed it to book a flight?  None of that matters when you and a person share an indescribable bond.  Therefore, I continued to let it play out.  Time and time again.  Even after swearing I’d never let it happen again.

teardrop

Every time I’d see him, I was left in a puddle of tears when he’d leave.  Our latest installment, however, was, by far, the most dramatic.  Without going into details, I left the situation feeling totally humiliated, shocked, and somewhat depressed.  How was it possible that after all of this time, we could never manage to get things right?  Oh, silly, silly girl, here’s the thing: there was no “connection.”  All the going back and forth and showing back up in my life was merely a game to him.  Cause, guess what?  A guy who “knows” knows.  He doesn’t allow a near decade to pass without so much as a whisper of commitment. I was writing the next epic romance novel and he was playing a cheap game of cat and mouse.  I had successfully faked a relationship by allowing all the drama to cloud my judgement.  Drama doesn’t equate to love and passion.  Drama equals drama.  I’d painted this person out to be a Mr. Big, when all he really was was a Mr. Big Asshole.

Speaking of which, a recent study even proves that you can “fake” being in love and actually fall in love.  If that’s the case, I’m in love a few fellows at this very moment (call me).  And while I now know that there was never any connection, let alone love, I also know my phone will ring sometime in the near future with that same familiar number on the caller ID.  I certainly won’t be answering and I most definitely am not expecting him to show up in Paris to whisk me off my feet.

Better luck next time.

xx,

WhyDid

 

 

The List Volume LXXVII

By |June 22nd, 2012|The List|

ten commandments of datingDating may be one of the hardest things that we, as women, have to deal with.  Fighting frizz?  No biggie.  Running on cobblestones in five inch heels?  Child’s play.  Passing the bar?  Nailed it.  That’s why I’m here to give you some of my greatest life lessons in love.  Sure, sure, we all know how great I am when it comes to relationships, but would you ever take advice from someone who hasn’t been through hell?  You know, they say those who can’t do, teach.  Well, I’m pretty sure that I fall under that category.  So, my children, do as I say, not as I do.

  1. Thou shall not divulge all your secrets upfront. (And don’t expect him to either).  I’m not saying be a liar, but hold off on letting him know about your bowel movements or past heartbreaks.  Let him fall for you before you scare him off.  And be aware: he probably has some secrets of his own that will eventually come to light.
  2. Thou shall agree to disagree.  You aren’t always going to see eye to eye.  Learn to pick and choose your battles before beating him to death.
  3. Thou shall not be desperate.  Tattoo this on your forehead: DBDG – Don’t Be Desperate, Girl.  Men can smell desperation/vulnerability a mile away.  FYI: It’s a pheromone for douchebags.
  4. Thou shall not make initial contact.  Give him the eye, the smile, or the hair toss to let him know you’re interested.  Anything past that falls on his shoulders.  Make him work for it- you’re worth it, afterall.
  5. Thou shall not conform.  Do NOT tailor your tastes to his.  Next thing you know, you’ll be climbing trees in the Redwood Forest when you’d rather be sippin’ cocktails poolside at the Mondrian.
  6. Thou shall not split the bill.  In no situation is it ever acceptable for a man you are newly dating to expect you to go Dutch.  If you do the mandatory “reach for your wallet” move and he accepts, he’s either 1). not into you, 2). a cheap mother f*cker, 3). tacky.  You don’t not want any of those.
  7. Thou shall not repeat past mistakes.  Uh, this should be self-explanatory, but can speak from experience that it’s not.  Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice… It’s my own damn fault.  Fool me more than twice, I need to go to rehab.
  8. Thou shall not double text.  Ever.  Words to live by: No answer is your answer.
  9. Thou shall not settle. I know it feels scary now that your Facebook feed reads more of a bridal blog or “Babybook” but that’s no reason for you to feel compelled to grab the next willing young man to be your mate.  I can guarantee that being alone is a hell of a lot better than being with the wrong one.
  10. Thou shall not be a hater.  Being bitter won’t ever make it better.  Be happy for others who are in love and your prince charming will too some day arrive on his white horse.

Happy dating!

xx,

WhyDid