I remember a girl telling me on my 23rd birthday that after 25 it all starts going down hill. I thought she was just being a bitch (obviously because I was 23 and knew EVERYTHING), but unfortunately, she was speaking the truth. Suddenly you pay for that scoop of ice cream and your size 24 skinny jeans start to feel a bit more like sausage wrappers. DUB TEE EFF??

Being a girl who used to be able to house an entire pizza (solo), not go to the gym and never see the effects, this was devastating not to mention confusing. So, instead of bitching about my thunder thighs (which I did do for a while), I forced myself to fall in love with running. I only wish I had always been active so as not to go into shock when this oh so special life change occurred.  I don’t even wanna tell you about the adult acne that awaits you, my little chickadees!

Anyway, now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I need to do more than walk to Soho House in heels across the cobblestone (which is no easy feat, mind you) to qualify as a workout, I’ve compiled a playlist of some songs that help me get through the sweat and tears (mostly tears) of my workout. Basically, the music is my favorite part of getting buff. I like music to be played loud. This is also probably the reason I still like nightclubs (to be discussed at a later date) and why I used to like driving (which I leave to the cabbies nowadays).

WhyDid’s Workout Plan (which may prove to be more useful than Kanye’s):

1. Joan Jett- I Love Rock N Roll
2. Christina Aguilera- Not Myself Tonight
3. La Roux- Bulletproof
4. Girlicious (yeah, that’s right, Girlicious)- Stupid Shit
5. Santigold- Creator
6. Shwayze- Get U Home
7. Kings of Leon- My Party
8. M.I.A.- 10 Dollar
9. N.E.R.D.- She Wants To Move
10. Sam Sparro- Black and Gold
11. Ashlee Simpson- Outta My Head
12. Lenny Kravitz- Are You Gonna Go My Way
13. Lloyd Banks- Beamer, Benz, and Bentley
14. Livvi Franc- Now I’m That Chick
15. Beastie Boys- Sabotage
16. Beyonce- Ring the Alarm
17. Kenna- Out of Control
18. The White Stripes- Seven Nation Army

While some of my choices may seem a bit obscure/bizarre, I’m not exactly training for the 2012 Olympic Track Team and these songs set a good pace for as fast as my little legs can go. So, until they come up with some miracle cream/pill that just magically disintegrates fat, I will be burning rubber to my own little miracle playlist.

Feel the burn.

xx,

WhyDid

First and foremost, I’d like to say, who the hell are you? You keep popping up everywhere so clearly I went ahead and Wikipedia’ed your ass. (Ass being operative word seeing as this is what Wiki had to say):

Amber Rose (born October 21, 1982) is an American model, socialite and former exotic dancer, best known for her relationship with musicianKanye West.^{[citation needed]} Her mother is from Cape Verde and her father is of Italian and African American and Irish descent.^{[citation needed]}She is the youngest child of Shauna and Juan Palmer. Her parents divorced when she was three years old, and she was raised by her maternal aunt, Mary Lakes. Rose originally wanted to own a restaurant because she enjoyed food but instead turned to modeling as a career.

Okay, couple things… seems as though “socialite” is being thrown around pretty carelessly these days.  How do you think Tinsley Mortimer feels about being lumped in the same category with an ex stripper turned nude model?

On a total side note, why do they call it “exotic” dancing? I mean, there’s nothing “exotic” about it. Am I right? It’s like calling the garbage man a “waste technician.” Let’s call a spade a spade.

This is the picture that got me to venting:

This is you at Fashion Week. Why are you there? I was not aware that Darth Vader was showing this season.

Oh… leggings as pants. Leopard leggings as pants. Two birds. One stone.

I mean, really? Did you think that we wouldn’t mind your cameltoe if you matched your pants to your lipstick? Strike two.

You obv don’t wanna be a wallflower, so why on God’s green earth are you dressing like wallpaper?

You’re really testing my patience, Amber.

Oh, you’re a bumblebee. Is that what all the buzz is about?

And your worst fashion choice of all? Kanye as an accessory.

Now I know why you were a stripper/nude model, cause you actually are better off with no clothes on.

xx,

WhyDid

This trend also spawned the usage of shades in nightclubs.  Remember those clear-ish shades that “juice heads” started wearing at “da club?”  Gross. I assume this was to either, A) attempt to disguise your quarter sized pupils from all the drugs you were on, B) attempt to disguise your inherent dbaggery. Failure on both. It only drew more attention to you as we pointed and laughed.

Celebs, this goes for you as well. Who do you think you’re fooling with those shades on? I might NOT have noticed you strolling by… until you slapped those ginormous sunnies on. Now I’m wondering who the creep in the sunglasses is.

I was like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” Well, MC, I’ll tell you why. (Disregarding your pink leather jacket) you’re out at night wearing sunglasses. Let’s go over this again, there’s NO SUN. Cut it out. You think we wouldn’t recognize you without them? Doubtful considering your affinity for pink leather attire.

Oh… RiRi, you look confused. could it be because you are wearing sunglasses in the pitch dark and can’t see four feet in front of you? Thought so.

I mean, I don’t know why I’m even throwing this guy in there. He’s king of all D’s. Of course he’s got his shades on.

Oh Kimmy, I can’t even focus on the fact that you’re wearing sunglasses at night because I’m entranced by the fact that you’re wearing LEGGINGS AS PANTS. YOU of all people should NOT being wearing leggings as pants. I understand that most shirts probably don’t even fit over your rear, but let’s give a try, no?

Um, hey guys? It’s RAINING. Know how I know? You’re holding an UMBRELLA. One of these things does not go with the others. (Btw- is that a fannypack?)

Alright, do I need to make a brief list of sunglass uses? Fine. I’ll go slow. Pay attention, please.

• Wear sunglasses when it’s sunny.  Novel idea.
• Do not wear sunglasses at night.
• Do not wear sunglasses when it’s raining.
• Just say, “no” to drugs. Even your sunglasses can’t help you here.
• The bigger and more obnoxious your sunglasses are, the more attention they will draw to you.
• Just because you can’t see us, doesn’t mean we can’t see you.
• Clear sunglasses are an oxymoron.
• There are no such thing as “moonglasses.” I was making a point.

xx,

WhyDid

Clearly, the theme for last night was a lot of gratuitous ass.  I would have come up with an “A” word for vagina, but could not think of one.  The bar was set high when Katy Perry performed wearing WHITE shiny leggings and a serious case of cameltoe.  

And just in case you didn’t notice her lady parts, she finished off her performance with a “crotch grab.”  Classy. Love Katy, but no woman should attempt the white spandex pants. Ever. 

Speaking of ass, Kanye West sure acted like one when he ruined Taylor Swift’s moment to shine.  Really, Kanye? Get a life. Picking on a cute girl like Taylor is just LAME. 

Oh, Lady Gaga. I wouldn’t expect anything less from her.  She’s notorious for her lack of clothing and her affinity for all things leotard.  While she normally has security who blocks paparazzi from taking photos of her derriere, we got a full view last night as she swung covered in “blood” from the ceiling.  If Lady Gaga could buy stock in “inappropriateness”, she would. 

It’s clear to all of us why Jay-Z went ahead and put a ring on that.  I have to give the girl props for sporting this little number, however, that’s a lot of crotch.  A couple of things: 1) I want the number to her waxer.  It’s safe to bet that Beyonce took a trip to Brazil before her performance, 2) the trick to Beyonce’s svelte thighs? Double (or even triple) layers of tights.  A shiny shaping pair layered beneath nude fishnets will erase and trace of cellulite or extra lbs. 

We all know pink is a bad ass, but attempting this little stunt in a unitard with a huge contraption in her crotch giving her the world’s largest cameltoe… Ouch. 

I wanted to also include a photo of Russell Brand in that ridiculous suit of his because he is a total ass and we also saw too much of his crotch as well. I’m confused as to why MTV signed him on for a second year of hosting. Do people actually like him? And for the record, women aren’t the only ones who need to be conscious of their thighs in skinny pants. Men with thick thighs can not, I repeat, can not pull off skinny pants. 

But alas, there was a happy ending after all. 

Beyonce saved some ass (ahem, Kanye) after she graciously gave up her time for an acceptance speech for Video of the Year in order to allow Taylor Swift to complete her acceptance speech that had been cut short due to douchebaggery. 

I propose that next year they go ahead and change the name.  

xx,

WhyDid

Clearly, I have quite a few that I would like to never see again.. ahem.. Leggings as Pants… But, I have asked some of my savvy and stylish girlfriends which trends of 2008 they  hated the most:

Meg:

“Ok, so it was the high-waisted jeans (particularly on the wrong people, ie Mischa Barton), the baggy parachute pants with the ridiculously saggy crotch, and the peep-toe ankle boots (eww).” 

JF:

“I’ll think of more.

Shiny motorcycle boots
Neon nail polish
Anything with feathers
Colored jeans
Bangs with blunt cuts (not really fashion)
Boyfriend jeans”

Pinkytoe:

“Open toe booties. What the hell is that anyway? Either its cold or not. Reminds me of something a hooker would invent, to show more skin.

Clip-in extensions.
If done properly, you’ll look fierce. If not, you’ll look frightening. Perhaps one should have to pass some sort of proficiency test in order to buy a set…

Wedges in winter.
I just don’t trust it. Something about the wedge style shoe screams st. Tropez, not st marks place. Even in boot form, I’m a firm non-believer in the winter wedge.

Leopard print.
When will this fabric ever die? I do believe leopards themselves are on the endangered species list, purely because their likeness is being exploited at forever 21’s everywhere. I don’t think they’re actually endangered; they’re still here, just hiding out until this print is done for.”

JC:

Hippie Headbands- I really don’t know who decided this was a good idea or that it was even slightly flattering, but it really needs to end. The plain old shoelace ones were bad enough, but now it seems that young ladies are trying to get crafty with them (a la Whitney Port). I know the 70’s seemed like a loving and peaceful time, but hippie headbands get no love from me.

Kanye West Glasses- They only work on Kanye West because he is, in fact, Kanye West. Everyone else just looks silly. Now that they sell them at every street bodega, you should realize this is a trend you don’t want any part of.

Fedoras- and just like you are not Kanye West, you are also not Justin Timberlake, nor are you Al Capone. When I see fedoras (on guys and girls) I just think, “wow, they are trying way too hard.”