Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

• Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
• Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
• Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
• Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
• Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

Levi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

Dear boys/men across the globe,

Did you not realize that your sagging pants are not, in fact, sexy?  Did it not occur to you that looking as though you are wearing a saggy diaper does not woo the ladies?  Had the thought ever crossed your mind that looking like you “dropped a deuce” in your pants might not be a flattering look after all?

Well, guess what?  Baggy, saggy, droopy pants are not hot.  Period.  There is nothing cool about it.  It does not serve any purpose except making you look like you could not control your bowel movements and making it slightly more difficult for you to walk.

I am not suggesting that you wear skinny tight hipster jeans (I’m still weirded out by men whose thighs are smaller than mine), but I am suggesting that you buy pants that fit you.  Get yourself to Jean Shopand have them fit you for a pair that will actually flatter you.  If these are a little pricey for your budget (I do admit they are a little ridiculous, but a nice booty is a nice booty) try Levi’s Slim Straight 514.

How would you like it if the ladies stopped wearing jeans that flattered our bootylicious bods?  What if we just decided that we’d had enough of your baggy pants and all started wearing mu-mu’s?

xx,

WhyDid

WDYWT: What are the clothing items that you wish ALL women would dispose of?

Dr. DatedHer: I wish all women would dispose of the following: 

• Light colored jeans. They make you look fat.
• True Religion anything.
• Babydoll dresses (I don’t get it, they aren’t flattering, ever.)
• Fur coats
• Shoes with really chunky wedge heels (not sexy at all).  

WDYWT: Wow, tell us how you really feel.  So, what do you love to see women wearing?

Dr. DatedHer: Daytime/casual- a hot pair of skinnies from Jean Shop with a pair of flats and plain and simple v-neck tee. 

Nighttime- give me a chick in short black skirt, black top some jewelry, black stockings (the ones with the designs in them) and a legit pair of stilettos.  Boys love stiletto heels and being that this is NYC wear all black.  I find black to be incredibly sexy during the winter.

WDYWT: What is the BIGGEST mistake a girl can make on a first date?

Dr. DatedHer: Touching her phone. Seriously, I’m paying for your dinner. Put your f’ing phone down.  Finding out what happened on Rock of Love can wait an hour.  Think of it as a business dinner….you wouldn’t start bbm’ing/texting in front of your boss, show the same respect to whatever lucky boy you’re with that night. 

Now, most guys are going to get mad at me for saying this but ladies, seriously don’t go home with a guy on the first date.  Make him work for it.  Don’t even kiss him.  Give him a hug and thank him.  If you like a guy, make him work for it.  Play the game properly.  There’s also a huge difference between playing the game properly (don’t give in too easily, don’t come off overly eager etc.) and the just being a bitch (actually being rude). 

WDYWT: So what is a “dealbreaker” for you?

Dr. DatedHer: Another deal breaker/super annoying thing women are guilty of….not texting the next morning and saying, “thank you for a good time” (even if it wasn’t).  If it was tremendously bad, ok, I understand, but if the guy generally means well and picked up the bill…thank him.  

WDYWT: I mentioned that you would tell me if I looked fat, but you wouldn’t really tell a girl that, would you?

Dr. DatedHer: When a girl asks if she looks fat in something, I typically tell a variation of the truth or suggest a different outfit. Simply saying, “Yes, you look fat” is NEVER a good idea.  As a rule of thumb, you can never say anything bad without adding a compliment.  So for example if asked, “Do I look fat in this?” I might answer, “Hmm, not sure if that’s the best look for tonight. Why don’t you put on that dress that I love you in.” Then explain that it compliments a particular part of her body better.

WDYWT: So who would you describe as your “ideal” woman and why?

Dr. DatedHer: I think most guys would agree with me that the ideal woman would be most like Natascha McElhone’s character on Californication.  She is ridiculously sexy and yet very natural.  My buddies and I have it narrowed down that the best girlfriends we’ve had all possessed a strong mix of knowledge in music, fashion, and the all the crazy things going on in the world.  It’s truly amazing that some women still think its ok to be clueless about the world. Seriously, pick up a paper and read it.  Even if its one of those free Metropapers.  Educate yourself a little.  Any decent, hard working, money making guy wont wife you up if all you can speak about is shitty reality TV and Desperate Housewives.  Men like women who can speak intelligently about a variety of subjects, so really educate yourself. 

WDYWT: Very good advice. I think most men would second that.  So on to really important things, what’s your favorite part of a woman’s body?

Dr. DatedHer: Continuing with my Californication theme, in the words of Hank Moody, “I love women.  I have all of their albums.”  It’s a big mistake to think that all guys have a favorite body part.  With regard to the female body, men are pretty much all the same in our thinking.  We love flat butts, round butts, big butts and small butts. Big and small, perky and full boobs, we love them all. Same holds true for long legs, skinny legs and thick legs.  If given the opportunity, men will find something to love about a woman they are interested in. For me personally, it’s about all of those things but most importantly, it’s about the hip to stomach ratio.  Give me a flat stomach with some wide hips and I’m loving it.

WDYWT:  Well, Thanks, Dr.  That was, um, informative.  Ladies, feel free to ask the Dr. ANYTHING you want and he will be sure to give you some of that brutal honesty. 

A lot of women seem to be getting dressed for other women. Which is fine, I guess. I would just think that when a woman spends 3.5 hours primping in front of the mirror, it would be to impress, perhaps, a man. Call me crazy, but when I go to work (which consists of all women and a few fantastic gay men- I work in fashion, remember?) I roll in wearing clothes that look good, but are comfortable and still somewhat stylish. I can guarantee that I am NOT looking fresh off the runway though.  This would actually be the perfect time for me to don my open toe booties and latex leggings cause the girls in the office might actually care… but I’ll pass.

However, when I have a hot date with my man, I pull out all the stops- however, this does not include my latest and greatest trendy fashion finds. You see, men don’t notice your “this season” Gucci booties, or your brand new Balenciaga bag. They are looking at you. All of that hoopla is lost on them and they probably think it’s a little ridiculous. If your man does care about your outfit and its fashion expiration date, you may want to take your “gay-dar” in for a tune up.

Don’t believe me? Below are some of the current “trends” (which my girlfriends have already so lovingly commented on) and my very manly guy friends’ responses to them.

Jiggawatz:

“Boyfriend jeans – So girls want to wear loose fitting, beat up jeans?  Maybe these boyfriend jean lovers should start changing the oil in their cars, doing yardwork, or working construction.  My advice, skip the boyfriend jeans, and wear a new pair of raw jeans APC, Jean Shop, or Nudie for a year before their first wash.  The end result will be much, much better than anything you can buy.

I reckon you’re right, they’re not dressing for their men; those photos are doing a hell of a job in turning me gay. ”

DB:

“My thoughts on those “trends”

If women want to wear men’s jeans, it’s ok if you’re throwing them on to get the door, not in public.  It looks like pegging is trying to make a comeback.  I really don’t like the leggings look.  It looks more like under armor for women.  I hear weasel is going to be big this spring. 

That’s my thoughts.”

ARS:

“Oh my. Where to begin?

1st picture: The first woman has entirely too much going on, and if you’re going to try to look all comfy and casual, you might want to skip the heels with eleventy thousand straps. The second woman looks reasonable, in an “I don’t really care what I look like” sort of way and is at least wearing shoes that make some sort of sense with the rest of her clothes. As for the woman in the middle- her dog looks like he’d rather not be seen in public with her. I can’t blame him. The fourth woman is demonstrating a fundamental truth of the universe: polo shirts look ridiculous tucked into jeans. Again with the fancy shoes, too. And the young lady to the far right? There is so much going on there that the jeans are the least of her problems- in fact, they kinda look right with the boots and the tusk and the whatever the hell she’s wearing around her shoulders..
Bottom line: comfy jeans are cool. Jeans don’t have to be skin-tight on a woman to look nice. However, wearing jeans that look like something you’d paint your house in along with a pair of 4″ heels with a dozen straps and buckles just doesn’t make sense.

2nd picture: These just look absurd. The only circumstances I can imagine where they’re not totally preposterous would be on a dominatrix, as part of the costumes for a science fiction movie, or on whoever plays Catwoman in the next DC Comics film.

3rd picture: Um, wow. Speaking of cat woman… The dress on the far right isn’t totally atrocious, but it would probably look better, as a dress, if it wasn’t leopard print. As for the woman in the middle- I thought leopards were sleek, lithe, athletic creatures?

4th picture: Yikes. Just in case leopard print wasn’t trashy enough for you…. I guess if you’ve got a body where you can pull something like this off, knock yourself out. Just don’t be surprised when somebody expects you to jump out of a giant birthday cake or, in the case of the example to the far right, if a man calling himself Upgrayedd (with two d’s for a double dose of his pimpin’) starts asking you where his money is.

Why do women do these things? Do they have any idea how utterly silly they look?”

So, there you have it. Straight from the horse’s mouth. Instead of flipping out over being the trendiest most stylish girl ever, why not spend a little extra time putting on mascara or taking a soothing bath. Trends are lost on most men anyway and they’re probably more interested in how great you smell rather than what season your handbag is from.

xx,

WhyDid

Believe it or not, Christmas is only 8 days away. I am guessing there are some procrastinators out there who just do NOT know what to buy. So here are a few last minute gift ideas.

Slacker Boyfriends (Didn’t I already give you a gift guide?):

A gym membership- I know this sounds mean, but actually, a dear friend of mine got one from her boyfriend this year and she couldn’t be happier. I would be psyched to get one too. It’s way too cold  to be running outside. Not to mention, you’ll have the hottest girlfriend on the block!

www.equinox.com

Dance lessons (for the TWO of you)- This is a fun way for you two to spend some time together learning something new. Talk about bonding. If you can suck it up and get your two left feet moving, you will most definitely earn some brownie points. Contact your local dance studio to find classes (for beginners).

A weekend away- It could be Turks and Caicos or a bed and breakfast an hour away. Either way, make the reservations and present her with a packet of information on the rendez-vous. It’s romantic and spontaneous (both good things in all girls’ books).

www.mobissimo.com

www.kayak.com

Dilly dallying friends:

Tarte The Vanity Limited Edition Set- I got this for my friend for her birthday and she’s obsessed with it. So much so, that I actually bought one for myself and she bought one for her niece. Every single color is totally usable and it’s only $52! This is a total steal and a really convenient way to keep all of your essentials in one spot.

www.henribendel.com

www.sephora.com

Gift certificate for pedicures- this is a great excuse for you two to sit and catch up with each other as well as catch up on all the gossip in trashy magazines. Who doesn’t love a good foot rub?

Booty Parlor Kissaholic Kissing Kit- includes a plumping lip gloss and breath mist containing exotic aphrodisiacs. It’s a fun and silly gift for $25.

www.victoriassecret.com

Slow Poke Girlfriends:

Cashmere sweater-it might not be acceptable for him to buy YOU a sweater, but it’s totally fine for you to get him one (finally a double standard that works in our favor!). He probably needs your style help anyway and most guys don’t even realize that they are missing out by not wearing cashmere. I have fully converted my boyfriend. Plus, there are ridiculous sales right now. Some of the best I found at Macy’s, Nordstrom, and Bluefly.

www.macys.com

www.nordstrom.com

www.bluefly.com

new jeans- So, we made them throw away all of their True Religions. Now it’s time to bring them into the new with some stylish updated jeans. One of my favorite places for this is Jean Shop. There are several locations in New York and they are truly fit experts. First, they find the right fit then you have the option of buying the jeans raw (dark heavy indigo) or you can have them wash and distress the jeans to your liking. Let’s not get too crazy on the distressing though…

www.worldjeanshop.com

Tickets to a sporting event- Whether you choose to join him or make it a night out for the boys, he will be excited to see you taking note of his interests. Be sure to slip him an extra $20 for the beer and hot dogs.

www.ticketmaster.com

www.stubhub.com

Hopefully this helped all you delinquent shoppers out there and I wish you all a very happy holiday.

xx