You Make Me Wanna Snoop

In reference to last week’s post about the woman who had never seen her boyfriend’s house, I wanted to re-visit the topic of snooping. To me, it is baffling that this woman would not have done a little legwork to try and discover what the heck this guy was hiding. When I start dating someone, I already know what his favorite pastimes are, his mother’s maiden name, and, of course, what his ex looks like. Needless to say, I don’t really like surprises.

Most of you assumed that the gentleman in question was obviously living with his wife or girlfriend. I tend to agree. This leads me to one of two conclusions: either he’s a really good liar, or she is just really effing stupid.

Since I have a hard time believing that anyone is that great of a liar, I wonder if this woman is missing the “woman’s intuition” gene. As women, we generally know when something in the milk ain’t clean. Why, oh why did her antennae not go up? I would be a liar to say that I have not done some hardcore PI work in my day. I am so good at digging up dirt, that sometimes, my friends have asked for my assistance and have suggested that, perhaps, I missed my calling.

Even the trickiest of the tricky could not dupe me (I’m talking to you, Mr. I Saved My Mistress as My Brother in my Phone). While, I like to know what’s going on, some have argued that snooping is the equivalent of opening Pandora’s box. What happens when you scroll through your man’s phone and don’t find anything… this time? Now you’ve started a habit and trust me, it’s not an easy one to break. My only defense for snooping is that when you feel like something’s up, you’re probably right. My instincts have never steered me wrong. If you need the proof, then you may have to snoop- just be ready for what you might find.

After being in a healthy relationship, I have not felt the need to snoop or check texts or emails, which further validates my “woman’s intuition” theory. Sometimes, I think people who don’t look are scared of what they might find and are really just turning their heads. What do you think?

In most cases, when the urge to snoop comes about… it’s probably time to re-evaluate the relationship. Whether you find something or not, you’re on a one way track to an unhealthy relationship. Run for your life!

xx,

WhyDid

What Are You Hiding?

Yesterday on the drive to work, we tuned into the Ryan Seacrest show. The topic for this particular morning was a woman who had been dating a man for over a year and had yet to ever see his home. Um? He told her that he was fixing it up and remodeling it but did not want her to see it until it was totally perfect. Um?

They tried to trick him by calling and telling him he’d won free flowers and they could send the flowers to anyone he’d like. He requested to have them sent to the girl who called in with her concerns. Hm… So what was going on?

I mean, Ryan almost lost his %^&$ on this guy and I was right there with him. It just doesn’t make any sense as to why his “girlfriend” would not be permitted to see his home. It’s been over a YEAR. The gentleman insisted that he is just a very “private” person. Why this young lady was tolerating the situation is so far beyond me. Not only would I have not been okay with this, my antennas would have gone up. Does she have no access to a computer? A little internet stalking sure would do her some good. A couple swipes through Google, Twitter, and Facebook and she would have cracked the case by now. If all else failed, why would she not have just followed him “home” one day?

After a bit, Ryan opened up the phone lines to take some calls from listeners. One guy called in and said that obviously the man is cheating. Another woman called to say she had been through something very similar and lo and behold, the man was married. Finally, another woman called in and said she was in the SAME situation and that it was totally okay. What? %*^$!!??

This got me to wondering WHY on earth women tolerate such things? How desperate must you be to accept such crappy excuses? What do you guys think?

My vote? He’s a sociopath who lives in a meth lab with his mother and wife (which is obviously totally normal).

xx,

WhyDid

Let’s Just Be Friends

Oh dating. Aren’t you fun? I mean, as bad as you suck for us ladies… you must really suck for guys. Hey fellas, how many times have you heard, “I really like you… as a friend“? What the *#%#?

After countless dinners, flowers, opening doors, and sweet nothings… you get just that: Nothing. So, what is it that takes a guy from “just a friend” to “my future baby’s daddy”?

• Sad as it is, we love bad boys. I discussed this with our fantastic interns today. They are seniors at USC and still lovin’ those boys you wouldn’t take home to mama. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a gentleman, but there’s a fine line between gentile and doormat. Tread lightly.
• Just like girls can be overzealous and clingy, guys can be too. You know how much you like that cat and mouse game of playing hard to get? We like it too. Don’t blow up my inbox and don’t keep calling til I answer.
• “Going Dutch.” (Also know as being a cheap @**hole). If you split the bill, she’s gonna split. Period. Done. Goodbye.
• If you share a bed and there is no type of contact, she now thinks of you like her gay bff. As far as she’s concerned… you’re gay (and there’s NO coming back from that). We get you’re trying to be polite, but at least attempt to cop a feel.
• Talking about “your feelings.” That’s our job. Stop trying to steal the show. Shut up and crush a beer can on your head.
• Wearing more makeup or hair products than we do. Um,  yeah… We don’t like to share our mascara (it’s unsanitary).
• Do not under any circumstances, high five me, chest bump me, or “pound fists” with me.

By avoiding all of the above, you may actually have a shot in hell with the lady of your dreams. Check, please!

xx,

WhyDid

Love is a Choice.

A few months ago, my father sent me an article from the Jewish publication, Aish.com. He sends me a lot of things during the week to ponder, but this one especially resonated with me. As you may be aware, I was not exactly having the best time dating or meeting the right type of guy. I had just undergone a hell of a heartbreak and had basically sworn off true love and  marriage. I resorted to telling myself I would adopt some sweet needing baby when the time came.

After reading the article, it became clear to me that my focus and ideas about love had been totally off. Movies and TV have skewed what “love” is. We believe it is some sort of magical moment that happens and suddenly we just “know” this is “it.”

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic “just isn’t there” anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

Perhaps this is why our divorce rate is as high as it is? People are falling in love with the idea of love. The grandiose, romanticized movie kind of love (which just does not exist, my friends). When our grandparents and even some of our parents got married, they held that vow as something sacred. They chose that other person to be their mate, their partner, their rock.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time — which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

I’m not suggesting that love is not a feeling. I do believe, however, that love is a feeling coupled with a choice. Perhaps reading those fairytales as children may not have been the best idea. We’ve tricked ourselves into being lazy about love. We think that it’s something that should just “happen” to us. In reality, love and relationships take constant maintenance just like your car or home. Love is a choice we make.

I sent that article to as many of my friends as I could in hopes that it would speak to them the way it has with me and now I’m sharing it with you. Since receiving this… I must say my love outlook has certainly taken a positive turn.

xx,

WhyDid

from “HEAD TO HEART” by Gila Manolson

The Bachelorette: Hangover Edition

So now that we’ve all recovered from The Bachelorette Season Finale on Monday night, let’s dissect it. I mean, we all knew she was going to pick Roberto from the get go, so who are we kidding? Those “choosing single” rumors were merely cover up for the blatantly obvious choice. Besides, there was no way in hell a girl like Ali was going to choose being alone.

Of the past 17 seasons, only two couples have actually wed (Trista and Ryan and Jason and Molly – not the original pick, FYI), so this would lead me to believe that there is a common thread here. I mean, despite the fact that 85% of these people are just trying to become famous or further their careers, the entire season is taped over the course of a mere three weeks! Who the HELL falls in love that fast?

Well, the good folks over at ABC have cracked the code on how scientifically people fall in love (and have fully exploited it). By putting said bachelors and bachelorettes in extremely romantic locations and and forcing them to do things like jump out of helicopters and go for hot air balloon rides (which I have done and have plenty to say about it- more on this later) they are tricking their brains into feeling love. Don’t believe me?

Adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin are all released when the brain experiences the first love pangs (also known as attraction). All of these chemicals being released actually change the way people’s brains work. During this beginning stage of love, couples tend to be “blind” and exalt their relationship. All of this happens before actual attachment has even occurred. Meaning, that while these people may have very strong initial feelings for one another, these could easily wear off and suddenly they awake with a love hangover.

So, I will wish my best to Ali and Roberto, but let’s see how they do after spending some time doing “real life.” All the boring mundane things that life is actually made of. Let me know how much you like Roberto after picking up his dirty gym socks for a few weeks.

xx,

WhyDid

Samantha Who?

As I sit here with a dog on my left, cat on my right, Deluscious cookie wrappers strewn about and watching Sex and the City DVD’s (I’m PMS’ing, don’t judge me), I started thinking about our dear friend, Samantha.

We all love to think that we’ve got a little Samantha in us.  Unfortunately, I don’t know that that’s true.

After years of playing cat and mouse with a guy, I finally agreed to clear my schedule and make it a date. No friends as bodyguards, no BS, no games.  After dinner I decided to escort my fellow back to his hotel and allow whatever was meant to happen happen. I told myself it was totally fine and braced myself for emotional impact. During the deed, I caught myself thinking, “Is this okay?” When it was all said and done and he went to the restroom, I put my clothes on faster than a wardrobe change backstage during fashion week. When he came back and I was buckling my shoes he was startled and told me he’d like me to stay, but I was out of there like a bat out of hell.

On the way home, I thought about what had just happened. I had gone into it thinking that I didn’t care. I hadn’t cared about this guy for all the time that he had been pursuing me, so WHY all of a sudden did I care? Why is it, that women can not sleep around the way that men can? I know that a lot of women like to pretend that they can have sex with no feelings, but I really just don’t buy it. I just believe that women are wired much, much differently than men.

What do you think? Can women have sex like men? Void of feelings and commitment? Or is there a deeper lying issue here?

xx,

WhyDid

One Bad Apple Don’t Spoil the Whole Bunch, Girl.

You know when you bite into an apple and it’s mealy? You chuck it across the room, nearly vom, and swear off the fruit forever. That’s letting one bad apple spoil the whole bunch and sometimes we do the very same thing with our relationships. We get burned one time and then swear off the entire species.

I have been there, my friends. With my last doozy of a relationship, I swore I was going to join the nunnery (my dad was pleased with this idea) and never ever date again. For a while, I actually did just that. I may as well have carried around a can of Man Raid. I was repelling men left and right because I wanted nothing to do with them. Some people suggest that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else (maybe not literally, but you get what I’m saying). I think that’s basically the worst advice in the world. It’s merely a Band-Aid and a temporary fix. It’s like trying to hot glue a hole in the Hoover Dam. Only a matter of time before that baby bursts and it all starts flooding.

That being said, it’s fine to take some time off of the dating scene for a while to heal, but there is no reason to be a complete and utter psychopath to some possibly wonderful men. I was so effed up from my break up that I blew of some great guys (and threw some crazy temper tantrums due to my trust issues).  Just because I found a worm in my last apple, doesn’t mean that every apple there after is going to suck.

You just have to take a blind leap of faith and take another bite. An apple a day…

xx,

WhyDid

You Don’t Always Get What You Want…

Once upon a time a friend told me that I should go ahead and write down everything I wanted in a mate. Every single last little detail down to his hair color, shoe size, and favorite ice cream. She explained that by doing so, I would be putting it out there in “the universe.” She was on some kind of The Secret kick, but having gone through several traumatic third dates, I figured, “What the hell? Why not?”

So, I got to work writing down little things like his height, his goals, his age, his hobbies, the size of his… brain. Anything I could think of that mattered to me, I scribbled down on that piece of paper. It was like being five again and writing down your Christmas list for Santa. Now all I needed to do was sit back and wait for this so called “universe” to go ahead and deliver Prince Charming like a Barbie Dreamhouse.

At times I got a little impatient, but one fine day, my wish was finally granted, and I was presented with a gentleman (let’s use the term lightly, kids) who seemed to really fit my bill. He was basically all the things that I had hoped for on my little perfect mate wishlist despite the fact that he showed up for our first date wearing True Religion jeans (yes, I did specify that he would not own a pair of True Religions and in hindsight, this should have been my first clue). Needless to say, things did not quite pan out as planned and before long, I was cursing that damn list.

How on earth was it possible that after getting everything I’d wished for I was eventually left back at square one with absolutely nothing? Well, I’ll tell you how. Let’s go ahead and pretend that it isn’t totally ridiculous to think that writing a wishlist will get you everything you want (Uh- how many times did Santa forget that Easy Bake Oven?). The real problem? I seem to have left off a few key factors like “honest” and “loyal” and a few other core values that would have proven to be helpful. I was so fixated on superficial things that I thought I wanted that I forgot to focus on the things that matter in the long run.

Boy oh boy, if I could track down this list I’d first, die of second hand embarrassment for myself and then burn it. Better yet, I would keep it as a reminder to be careful what you wish for.

You may not get what you want, but if you’re very, very lucky, you’ll get what you need.

xx,

WhyDid

… Just Right!

Not so long ago I wrote about not being able to have it all in regards to footwear, but I’m starting to wonder if this also carries over into your love life. Since my last serious relationship I have dated a bit here and there but have not been able to find someone who I would even consider being totally committed to. I’ve met some really great and interesting men, but in each case, they seemed to be missing something.

This became blatantly clear to me recently when I was seeing a few guys at once (that’s right, fellas, ladies can juggle too). Each of the gentlemen that I was seeing possessed something that interested me, but lacked in other areas. Suddenly I felt like Goldilocks and the three dudes.

The first guy was incredibly good looking (like so good looking my friends gasped when they saw his photos), sweet, and funny. On paper and in theory, he is most certainly someone I should have wanted to nest with. I trusted him, he was respectful of me, and most importantly, wanted to settle down- with me.  So what was the problem?  I did not ever feel the urge to snuggle up next to him let alone rip his clothes off.  Bizarre, right? How in the world was I going to have a long term relationship with someone who I did not feel physically connected to? Sexy times seem to dwindle as time goes on, so where would this leave us six months from now when we were starting at zero? Negative 400? Too cold.

With guy number two I suffered the exact opposite problem.  I didn’t want to do anything but rip his clothes off.  He lived about 2700 miles away on the other side of the country, so when I actually got to see him it was on. However, when he would start talking to me, all I wanted him to do was shut up and leave. As sexy as our sexy times were and as physically attracted to him as I was, there is a lot more that goes into a relationship than a good ol’ fashion pants of dance off. Bad things happen in life and I need a partner, not a plaything. Too hot.

And my last little fellow, was something extra special.  He had something that neither of the first two had.  He got inside my head (which is no easy feat, my friends).  I actually never even realized what was happening because our relationship did not start in a “dating” scenario. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know one another without much (read: any) physical interaction. He understood me and my twisted sense of humor and there was not a day that passed where he didn’t make me cry with laughter. The only thing that held me back was that he was not what I had pictured when my Cinderella fairytale played out in my head. Somehow that didn’t seem to matter. The connection I had with him mentally was much stronger than any of the physical connections from my past. Just right.

So what’s a girl to do? In a perfect world, I would be able to combine all three into the perfect specimen. Unfortunately, this is no perfect world and I don’t get to write my own script. And really? Is there such a thing as a “perfect man?” Probably not. So which is the most important? Looks? Chemistry? Connection? Can the physical connection grow as the mental connection increases? Is giving up one of the three settling or being savvy? Would waiting out for the trifecta be selfish or smart? Can a girl really have it all?

Sigh. Looks like I’ll be testing out more porridge til I have the answer.

xx,

WhyDid

Kicking and Screaming

My first temper tantrum was over a pair of red patent leather Buster Brown maryjanes when I was two years old (or so my mother tells me).  Since then, I’ve thrown a few more tantrums over footwear, but I would say that most of my recent tantrums have been love related. While some are warranted (he forgot your anniversary) others tend to be more trivial (you wanted a grilled cheese and tomato soup at 2am and The Diner just was not delivering). Either way, I was always under the impression that tantrums were very gender specific. Boy was I wrong…

One night while out with a fellow I’d been seeing for a few months, he did something I had never actually experienced. HE threw a bitch fit. Yes, my friends, a full blown temper tantrum- public scene and all. Because I was being social and talking to his friends, dancing, and enjoying myself he told me I was acting totally inappropriately- prompting the whole “trust” talk. I don’t think his intention was to make me laugh, but I found the entire thing completely comical. I thought to myself, “Why is he being such a girl?”

This got me to thinking, is that how we look like while flipping out on our boy toys? Are they just sitting back and chuckling while we have a melt down? Laughing at how ridiculous we are acting? Probably. Actually, yes. I managed to smooth his feathers and we left on good terms, but you better believe I took great pleasure in reminding him the next day how he’d acted like a total lunatic.

It struck me that we were in a complete and utter gender role reversal and it was intriguing.

Always a model girlfriend, no one’s ever told me they didn’t trust me. I pride myself on being incredibly loyal and honest so it came as quite a shock when this gentleman informed me that he just did not trust me. I really wasn’t doing anything wrong seeing as we were not in an exclusive relationship.  Except that’s a total lie.

He had every reason not to trust me. I was participating in the very same male behavior that we, as woman, find so repulsive. I was being wishy washy, not willing to commit to anything serious, skirting the issue about other guys, being totally elusive, and there may or may not have been another man waiting in the wings. I wasn’t doing it out of malice, it was just the way things unfolded. In my head I had been very up front with him about what was going on, but I guess he didn’t see it that way.

It got to the point where his friend went as far as calling me “a dick” to which my friends (and I) had a good laugh. He eventually got sick of my antics and iced me out, just like a good “girl” should.

Meanwhile…

As I was putting this poor chap through the ringer, for being a loon, I had been throwing some tantrums of my own. Said “man in the wings” had pulled the same wishy washy, elusive stunts on me. Oh, that karma, she’s got a sick sense of humor, doesn’t she? After not getting my way on more than one occasion, I unleashed a text message tirade on the object of my affection. Poor guy. I bet he dropped his phone like a hot potato when those messages came through. He too forgave me for my outlandish behavior, but things between us were never quite the same.

Here I was, having the exact same relationship with two different people and I was both the “antagonist” as well as the “victim.” Playing two different roles shed a whole new light on relationships as well as good old fashioned temper tantrums. Basically I concluded three things:

1. When you throw a tantrum, you’re giving up all of your power. You may as well just hand over  your cards. You look like a fool. Game over. Save the meltdown for your girlfriends behind closed doors.
2. That whole “do unto others” saying? Yeah, I’d probably pay heed to this. You never know when karma will rear her ugly head.
3. Your reindeer games will only last for so long. Eventually, someone will throw in the towel when they’ve had enough.

Whether or not anyone else appreciates my diva worthy tantrums, my mom apparently found them charming. She hangs those little red shoes on the Christmas tree every year to this day.

xx,

WhyDid

P.S. if he’s reading this, I’m expecting another tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2…