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Why Did You Date Him: Come One, Come All

By |April 28th, 2010|Somethin for the fellas, Why Did You Date Him?|

** Warning: R rated material. Dad, you probably wanna go ahead and skip this one.

couple-in-bed

So, I’ve had full on arguments about this before. Guys are apparently clueless when it comes to the female anatomy and the big O. I’ve been so annoyed that I’ve literally had to hang up the phone or leave the room. Guys sure do have a lot of nerve thinking they know more about what’s going on with our equipment than we do.

What’s the problem you ask? It seems that most guys out there think that we ladies are coming left and right when having sex. Au contraire mon frere. Just because we make a squeak or a sigh here and there does not mean that you’ve just hit our jackpot. If you did, trust me, you’d know. Don’t believe me? (of course you don’t). Here are the facts:

About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. – ABC News

Read it and weep, fellas. Just intercourse alone isn’t going to do the trick for most ladies. We need a little extra attention in our nether regions to get things going. And don’t you DARE look at us like it’s our fault when the fountain doesn’t overflow. I’ve had a guy legitimately ask me if I’m just not capable like I’m the one with the problem. This proves to be very frustrating for women. We don’t want to disappoint you, but at the same time, we don’t want to be disappointed either. It’s a team effort, folks. The sooner guys come to terms with this, the sooner we’ll all be satisfied customers.

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I have a couple of girlfriends who are in that freaky percentage of women who can get off from good ol’ fashion sex (lucky bitches), but as for the rest, they’ve either had to incorporate some helpful toys or become incredibly vocal about what exactly is or isn’t working.

That being said, I’ve met plenty of guys who are under the impression that ALL of the girls they’ve been with have been screaming their praises. Guess what all those girls were? Liars. Big. Fat. Liars. Hey, girls? Why are you faking it? You gals are totes effing things up for the rest of us. Now, Mr. Hotshot thinks he knows what he’s doing and I’m suffering through some wonktastic jackrabbit sex…Again. Ugh.

I’m hoping this will clear the air while simultaneously deflating a few egos leading us all to a much more fulfilling sex life. For the time being, I’m probs just better off with my pal, rabbit.

Happy Hump Day!

xx,

WhyDid

WhyDid Wisdom: Hold Your Tongue.

By |April 8th, 2010|Somethin for the fellas, WhyDid Wisdom|

hand

Hey- this one’s for you, guys. Yeah, I know there are guys sneaking on and reading this. Don’t act like you’re not.  It’s come to my attention that a lot of you have diarrhea of the mouth and are scaring the ladies off before you even get a chance to ask for those digits. Since, the weather is starting to get nice and the ladies are coming out of hiding, I’m going to give you a few pointers so that you don’t spend your summer sad and lonely.

Here are a few things that are sure to get a fork in your eye if you utter them to your lady friend:

  • “Don’t you know who I am?’ – Well, sir, if you have to actually ask, no, I don’t know who you are (nor do I really care).
  • “You look tired.” – This is basically the same thing as telling us that we look like shit. Smooth move.
  • “Is that what you’re wearing?” – Don’t. Just don’t. The only man who’s allowed to say this to us is our gay bff.
  • “Are you going to eat all that?” – Um, don’t mind if I do. Wasn’t aware I was on Celebrity Fit Club. This is the fastest way to give your gf an eating disorder and some serious insecurities.
  • “How many people have you been with?” – Why don’t you go ahead and mind your business? You’re never going to get an honest answer… just like we’re never going to get one from you. So just leave it alone.
  • “I forgot my wallet.” SHUT UP. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
  • “She’s just a friend.” Liar. You may as well carry a fire extinguisher with you, cause you’re pants are on FIRE.
  • And last but, most definitely not least: Don’t make false promises. Girls, as my friend, JT would say, “Don’t give up the ass until you see the cash.” Pretty wise advice. In my few years living in NY, I’ve been promised a record deal (um, not kidding), vacations, presents, jobs, etc. I’ve seen about a 5% return on these. (Obvi the record deal never happened seeing as my singing voice resembles that of a cat getting neutered). Fellas, don’t offer it up unless you’re ready to deliver. Ladies, there is NO such thing as a free lunch.

So, the next time you feel the onslaught of verbal suicide, just refer to these guidelines to save yourself from a lifetime of solitude.

xx,

WhyDid

Somethin’ For the Fellas: Jean Therapy

By |February 10th, 2010|Somethin for the fellas|

free_shipping_cost__$27_DandG_jeans_true_religion_.jpg.gif

Dear god, guys. Seriously? Do I really have to do this again?  I mean, again?  Apparently so.

Last week while grabbing a cocktail at The Standard with a girlfriend, we ran into a male pal of ours who was seated with two other gentlemen.  Being as The Standard (aka Cougs and Dudes) was busy as usual, we gladly accepted their invitation to sit at their table. Don’t mind if we do!  All seemed fine as we sat and chatted while sipping on our Kettle One and sodas… and then… it happened.

One of the gentlemen excused himself to the little boy’s room. No, he didn’t have skid marks. And no, he wasn’t shorter than expected (remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha dates a midge?).  What the problem was- his jeans.  Ugly, nasty, ill fitting, yellow stitched, obnoxious pockets True Religions. I mean, don’t you read WDYWT? Did you not get the memo? These jeans should come with a surgeon general’s warning.  They’re not only bad for YOUR health, they’re bad for MINE.

When he returned from the loo, I questioned him as to why he thought it would be a good idea to wear such heinous pants.  From the waist up, he was a good looking, well dressed man. He went as far as having a pocket square in his well tailored blazer. So, why on earth would he ruin all his good work by wearing clown pants? Poor guy, he didn’t know any better. I know this because he defended himself by informing me that he had a great pair of Cavalli jeans as well. Yikes.  Luckily, he was a good sport as I listed oh so many reasons why he looked like a dbag. Here are some rules to live by:

  • Dark- They must be dark. Save the stone washed, and distressed for your gf. You just stay dark.
  • Simple- You don’t need your pants to be fancy. There is no need for contrast stitching or bedazzled pockets. Plain is a man’s best friend.
  • Pockets are crucial- One of my biggest issues with True Religion jeans are the pockets. They can turn even the perkiest rear into a dumptruck. It all has to do with pocket placement. Pockets should be high (on the actual buttocks) and closer together rather than further apart (this goes for you ladies as well).
  • Length- Your jeans should be long enough to rest on the top of your shoe, but not so long that they drag on the ground and get ratty. On a side note, men should NEVER wear capri jeans. I got heartburn just thinking that I even have to clarify that.
  • Size- Also crucial.  Baggy, saggy poo in my pants is not cute, nor is being able to see the outline of your “package.”

Need some visuals?

0426418236136R__A1_300x400Seven For All Mankind Standard Straight Leg Jeans, $169

800x800Nudie Big Bengt Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Crinkle, $225

800x800-1Prps Barracuda Regular Straight Leg Jeans in Dark Selvedge, $354

8521-945201-dLevi’s 514 Slim Straight jeans in Tumbled Rigid, $48

I suck at math, but here’s one equation I know : girls in leggings as pants >= men in True Religion jeans.

Do us all a favor and create an Ebay account to rid your closet of any and all toxic jeans. I won’t be as forgiving next time.

xx,

WhyDid

Love is in the Air… Is That What Smells?

By |February 8th, 2010|Gift Guide, Somethin for the fellas|

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As WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady has already mentioned, Valentine’s Day is amateur night. However, you will most likely be forced into participating in some way, shape, or form. So you may as well get that shopping out of the way and come up with something creative to make the whole production less painful for yourself and respective parties.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again: interesting gifts for your flavor of the week…

For Him:

Ladies, let’s be serious, he doesn’t care if you get him a new pair of cufflinks or a cuddly teddy bear. He paid for dinner and would now like some sweet affection for dessert. You’re getting off easy as far as I’m concerned (no pun intended).

One of my favorite things in the world is pretty lingerie.  You are already aware of my affinity for costumes and that doesn’t stop in the bedroom.  Men are visual creatures, so give him something to stare at (before he tears you to pieces).

41VNVAKJQGL._SL250_41VSykR7G8L._SL250_Carol Malony Polka Party Panty, $52

That’s a present he’ll enjoy unwrapping. (Please disregard the model’s Lee Press-on’s and bizarre belly button. Ick.)

Not at the “pants off dance off” stage? Why don’t you really send him for a loop by picking up the check at dinner? A sexy way to do so is slip your waiter/waitress your card while on your way to the bathroom.

C’mon, girls, please cut it out with the collages, love notes, and stage 5 clinger type presents. They are totally lost on guys. The only thing you’re going to get in return are ignored phone calls and canceled dates.  Men like a few things (in no particular order): sports, red meat, sex, and beer.  Stick with those and you may find yourself with a date after Valentine’s Day.

For Her:

Guys suck at buying presents. I know this because I’ve received quite a few doozies in my day.  I know there is a small percentage of you out there who don’t, but the majority of your testosterone filled pals have spoiled the bunch. Whether it be a giftcard or a heinous piece of jewelry, please pay attention in order to avoid a mid-February arctic blast.

Again, some guidelines of what not to do to tick your girl off. You already know I’ve advised her to get some skimpy knickers for later, so you don’t want to miss out on those because you couldn’t pull it together and get a decent gift, do you? That’s what I thought.

One of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever received was actually not from a guy at all. WhyDon’tYouActLikeALady really outdid herself this year for my birthday.  She got me a beautiful silver box and inside are 52 little pieces of paper. Each one has a reason on it why she loves me. (One a week, in case you suck at math like me).  I look forward to opening them every week.

Too mushy gushy?

Buy her something red… as in red soled. There isn’t one girl on planet earth who wouldn’t appreciate a pair of Christian Louboutins (if you are that girl, what are you doing reading this?). This is 99.9% effective in panties dropping.  Trust me, a pair of nice shoes will get you much further than any cheesy Hallmark moment.

Christian-Louboutin-shoes-Declic

Something sparkly also usually does the trick. (This does not include rhinestones or anything from Ed Hardy). There’s a reason they say, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Why don’t I just make this easier for you and compile a list of DON’T’s?:

  • Perfume- you’re going to get it wrong. It’s our job, let us pick out our own.
  • Chocolate- do you want a fat girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
  • Any sort of stuffed animal- are you a pedophile? I ask because the only girl who would appreciate this is still in highschool.
  • Hanky Panky rose thong– I saw this on E!’s gift guide and nearly lost it. You buy me one of these and I’m going to stick it somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
  • Red roses- we’ve already covered this.
  • Anything from Kay’s, Jared’s, or Zales. Cut the crap.

The most important part of this day is quality time.  Be available, be kind.  A handwritten card also never hurts. Listen, I’m just trying to help you out. Despite my tone, I love love, but a bad VDay showing could leave you alone and lonely. While I may be home popping chocolates in my mouth with a glass of red and my rabbit, I do wish the rest of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

xx,

WhyDid

Icebreakers

By |December 20th, 2009|Somethin for the fellas|

As I’ve mentioned before, winter is the perfect time for coupling up.  So I have decided to go ahead and make it that much easier for you to find your very own snow bunny.  I, myself, had forgotten how hilarious and ridiculous the dating scene is.  I will refrain from going into detail to save myself and respective parties from any further embarrassment. Anyway, below are some good cold weather dating activities along with the appropriate attire for each (obviously).

Gliding right along- Ice skating followed by some yummy hot chocolate really can’t go wrong (unless, of course, you break your leg). You can basically find an ice skating rink in most cities (barring you live in Hawaii- and then you’re just out of luck).  Make a plan to rent skates and glide (or tumble) around the rink together.  It’s always good to participate in a physical activity with a date (gets those endorphins going), it gives you a good reason to hold hands, plus it’s the perfect excuse to wear earmuffs. Enough said.  Don’t forget to bundle up. This is one of the times leggings are fully appropriate (as long as your cha cha is covered). American Apparel makes a great “winter weight” legging that is extra warm. Make sure to get some fun (warm) socks, festive scarf and fingerless gloves to accessorize.

product_thumb.phpWhite Fox Fur Earmuffs, $49.95

(**NOTE- these are the earmuffs that led me to find Fur World)

Game Night- Seriously, my friends probably want to tell me to shut up since I suggest this every chance I get. Yes, I love to play games. I think there is something incredibly sexy about people using their brains and competing (all in good fun) against each other. Plus, you will find out early on if he’s a “cheater.” Incorporate delicious warm drinks and snacks and it’s a perfect evening. Also good for group dates or introducing mutual friends in a non-awkward manner. We once stumbled upon a couple playing dirty Scrabble, it was so good we had to snap a photo. Much harder than it looks, btw. For a night like this, look casually comfortable, yet pulled together in skinny jeans and a soft form fitting sweater. Be sure to wear cute socks since you will probably be playing in someone’s home and some people are lunatics when it comes to footwear in the home.

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Nothing hotter than some salsa- Salsa dancing, that is. It may be freezing, but you can work up a sweat taking some sexy dance classes with your date. Trick yourself into thinking you are south of the border while dancing the night away to salsa music. After your lesson, test out your new-found skills at a local salsa club with some margaritas. Strap on a swingy skirt or dress and don’t forget to tuck your heels into your bag so you can switch out of your snow boots.

bbdak2005312867_p1_v1_m56577569831837883_254x500BB Dakota Violet Skirt, $80

Pick your poison- Go wine tasting! What’s cozier than sipping on Pinot Noir and learning about different types of wine (pardon my lack of wine knowledge- obv, no one has bothered taking me on this educational journey)? Get a driver and visit different local wineries. Purchase your favorite bottle as memorabilia (or just pop the top on the way home). For this, I recommend wearing some type of footwear that will prevent you from breaking your neck should you taste too many wines and become a bit tipsy.

For you singles, perhaps these date ideas will help you secure some NYE arm candy. Happy dating!

xx,

WhyDid