There’s quite a bit of time spent on WhyDid helping the ladies with the do’s and don’ts of fashion… but it occurred to me last night (while watching an especially offensive episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker) that we need to direct some of this professional fashion help towards our male counterparts.  It also occurred to me that many of you men actually think you have  the slightest clue as to how to dress yourselves.  Welp, newsflash: You don’t.  Just ask Kanye, who took the liberty of deciding he could show his “collection” at Paris Fashion Week.  Oops!

So, this is dedicated to you, brothers Cruz and the rest of you gentlemen out there making our eyes hurt.  (I’ll include photos as to be very explicit).

1. Manpris.  Yes, those are exactly what you’re thinking. 
2. Sleeveless hoodies. 
3. Anything with embellishment.  Good rule of thumb: If you’ve seen it on The Jersey Shore, I for sure shouldn’t see it in your closet. 
4. Fishnet tank tops. Ahem, Jared Leto. 
5. If you must wear a blazer with your jeans (and it seems you all must), please, for heaven’s sake, do not wear sky blue baggy jeans with it.  Dark and tailored denim, fellas. 
6. Button down shirts… only buttoned with one button.  There are multiple buttons for multiple reasons.  Use them. 
7. Knit hats and/or scarves at the beach or with a tank top, swim trunks, or anything else that could be worn in July. 
8. Jewelry other than a wedding band. 
9. T-shirts that could be mistaken for your girlfriend’s in the wash. Tight, deep V, etc. ….  Please reference SNL’s Dangerously Deep V -
10. Skinny jeans.  I’m so uncomfortable with these for so many reasons.  One being that I don’t need to know that your thighs are smaller than mine. 

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This week the list is dedicated to all you men out there.  At times, I am utterly appalled by your behavior and wonder why we women haven’t boycotted you altogether.

So gentlemen, read carefully.  Ladies, please feel free to print this sucker out and affix it to any and all men’s bathroom doors.

1. Money can’t buy you love.  Yes, it’s true.  Girls love gifts.  And while this may work for a little while, there will come a time when you need to pony up and show us what you’re made of.  A new pair of Louboutins for every you time you $*%* up will fill our closets, not our hearts. (Sidenote: bragging about your cash is vulgar.  It doesn’t impress us -at least not the nice girls- it just makes us think you’re insecure).
2. Your grooming habits and products should not be more complex nor should they take up the space of mine.  A little “manscaping” is one thing. Highlighted hair, waxed brows, and manzilians aren’t things that I want to have in common with you.  If I liked girls, I’d date Ellen Degeneres.
3. Man boobs.  Never, ever should your breasts resemble your lady friend’s.  If you happen to be one of those gentlemen who grew mammaries overnight, at least cover them up by not wearing a silky shirt that emphasizes your newly swollen teets.  If you happen to pass by the mirror and turn yourself on with the tittays you see, it’s time to hit the gym.
4. Pushing women out of the way to get on the subway/train, front of the line, etc. first.  Who are you?  Did you not have a mother?  Have a little bit of class.  Forget what ya heard, chivalry is not dead.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger.  You, my friend, have now joined the ranks of Jesse James and Tiger Woods.  Congrats.  Oh, and by the way, Jesse – all men do not cheat.
6. Cat calls.  Um, how’s your ROI been on those?  Remember this little experiment?
7. Tank tops.  They aren’t meant for you.  I don’t care if you are some cutie patootie with nice triceps.  You still have armpit hair.  And furthermore, by you wearing that tank top, you’re sending the message to other men (probably the ones who have no business wearing one) that it is, in fact, fine to flaunt the fat.
8. Belching, farting, scratching.  We get it.  These things happen.  The body must function as it will– not at its will.  Thing is- we don’t need to know you do it.  Just like women never poop.  Some secrets are meant to be kept.
9. Bromances.  It’s nice to have friends.  We love our girls’ nights too.  However, dating (aka taking care of) one guy is hard enough.  Don’t make me babysit your bestie too.
10. “No” means “no.” This may be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes… we’re just not interested.  Calling us a “bitch” or “fat heifer” just cause we shot you down isn’t going to get you very far.  All it does is solidify what a douchebag you are.

xx,

WhyDid

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I realize that I give the Hollywood starlets a lot of crap for going out in public in their crazy get ups, so I figured it was high time to level the playing field and turn the tables on the boys.  After all, fellas are perfectly prone to fashion eff ups as well.

Speaking of which, here is the oh so handsome Mr. Moore Ashton Kutcher proving just how susceptible men are to fashion flubs:

Yikes!  With an outfit like that, I’m not sure I’d want to be his friend… let alone his friend with benefits.  Wait… wrong movie.  Anyway, I’m a little surprised the always elegant, always divine Demi Moore would let her boy toy leave the house looking like a ranch hand.  I get that Ashton is a little quirky, but this is more along the lines of dorky.  Rule number one for every man out there: just say “NO” to khakis.  If he was going to go with such a bold blanket jacket, he would have been better off pairing it with dark denim and a plain white T-shirt.  That actually might have looked pretty cool.

Instead, he looks like he just wrestled a buffalo (and lost).  Better luck next time, Ashton, but this time you’ve been Punk’d.

xx,

WhyDid

Photos via The Superficial

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While some hypothesize that Valentine’s Day is just a fabricated holiday brought to you straight from the fine folks at Hallmark, I will never argue with a holiday that is all about love, chocolate, flowers, and lingerie.  With a mere five days to go until the big day, I have compiled a list of gifts that you will probably want to forward to your significant other ASAP!  Whether you’ve just started dating or you’re in for the long haul, these Valentine’s gifts are sure to make even Cupid smile. I’ve rated them G (you’re still at the sweet beginning or maybe you are buying these for your mom or sister) to R (you’re ready to cut loose and swing from the chandeliers!).  In any case, there’s something for everyone.

Clockwise: Umbra Storage Box, $24.99, Juicy Couture Valentine Crepe Playsuit, $98, Rebecca Minkoff Fluoro Snake MAC Clutch, $330, iPod Nano 8GB, $149, Moonstruck Chocolatier Love Bug Chocolate Truffles, $25.95, Graphic Image Heart Lock Diary, $95

Clockwise: Eberjey Anouk Teddy, $71, Booty Parlor Melt Body Fondue, $15, 1 5/8 Carat Morganite and 3/8 Carat Black Diamond 14K Pink Gold Earrings, $475, Kiki de Montparnasse Boyfriend Garter Tank, $125, Cosabella Satin and Lace Babydoll Pajamas, $144,  Veuve Clicquot Rose, $61.99

Clockwise: Agent Provocateur Imogen Set, $250, American Caviar Sampler Set, $76.70, Kiki de Montparnasse My Tie Cuffs, $175, Cosabella Peek a Boo Pantyhose, $35, Jimmy Jane Body and Soul Set, $185, Jack Vartanian Large Handcuff Necklace, $1,290

xx,

WhyDid

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If you’ve been a really good girl this year, or your beau just faired well in the stock market, the sky’s the limit in the gift department.  Browse these overly indulgent items and get your request in ASAP. Even if you haven’t been such a good girl this year, it doesn’t hurt to look.

Tiffany Garden Flower Necklace, $48,000

Transport Pod, $16,000

Dunbar Studios Pink Leopard Art Guitar, $9,900

Kiki de Montparnasse All That Glitters Luxury Gift Set, $4,190

Christian Louboutin Fifi Strass Pump, $3,095

Cover Your Laptop In Crystals, starting at $2,000

good girl.

xx,

WhyDid

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I do not envy men during the holidays… unless, of course, your gf/wife/sig other is a WhyDid reader cause she knows what to buy you. Shopping for your lady is no small feat. I’ve suggested presents year after year and told you what not to even think about buying (perfume, scarves, gift cards).   In tradition, here are more gifts that are sure to delight even the most finicky female.

Christian Louboutin Sexy Sling Glittered Stiletto, $595

Roberto Coin Heart Medallion, $580

Elizabeth and James Fairfax Limited Edition 24K Gold Sunglasses, $375

Fleur of England Keepsake Silk and Lace Backless Kimono, $268.44

Clarisonic Skincare Brush (Limited Edition Pink), $195

Nixon Time Teller P Watch, $60

xx,

WhyDid

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Oh dating. Aren’t you fun? I mean, as bad as you suck for us ladies… you must really suck for guys. Hey fellas, how many times have you heard, “I really like you… as a friend“? What the *#%#?

After countless dinners, flowers, opening doors, and sweet nothings… you get just that: Nothing. So, what is it that takes a guy from “just a friend” to “my future baby’s daddy”?

• Sad as it is, we love bad boys. I discussed this with our fantastic interns today. They are seniors at USC and still lovin’ those boys you wouldn’t take home to mama. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a gentleman, but there’s a fine line between gentile and doormat. Tread lightly.
• Just like girls can be overzealous and clingy, guys can be too. You know how much you like that cat and mouse game of playing hard to get? We like it too. Don’t blow up my inbox and don’t keep calling til I answer.
• “Going Dutch.” (Also know as being a cheap @**hole). If you split the bill, she’s gonna split. Period. Done. Goodbye.
• If you share a bed and there is no type of contact, she now thinks of you like her gay bff. As far as she’s concerned… you’re gay (and there’s NO coming back from that). We get you’re trying to be polite, but at least attempt to cop a feel.
• Talking about “your feelings.” That’s our job. Stop trying to steal the show. Shut up and crush a beer can on your head.
• Wearing more makeup or hair products than we do. Um,  yeah… We don’t like to share our mascara (it’s unsanitary).
• Do not under any circumstances, high five me, chest bump me, or “pound fists” with me.

By avoiding all of the above, you may actually have a shot in hell with the lady of your dreams. Check, please!

xx,

WhyDid

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Have you ever heard of the “bait and switch?”  You know, you’re promised one thing and somehow end up with something completely different. This can  happen in with “As Seen on TV” situations as well as your own personal dating life. Guys have all types of tricks up their sleeves, therefore, it is important to be alert. This little ditty is going to be both a blessing and a curse. For the ladies, heed this as a warning. For the gentlemen, you’re welcome. Now you have new and creative ways to pull the wool over your lady’s eyes (unless, of course, your gf reads WhyDid… and if she doesn’t, she probably deserves it).

All That Sparkles…

While jewelry shopping one fine day, the very knowledgeable woman working at the store informed me of a little trick that men sometimes play. As you are (or should be) well aware, diamonds are very expensive. Well, have no fear: white sapphires very, very closely resemble diamonds. So much so, that to an untrained eye, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them even when they are sitting side by side. So guess what? Cubic zirconia is not your only enemy now, ladies. The young woman in the store told me that many of her male clients purchase these as a cheap substitute for their lady friends. So those diamonds in your ears? It’s bullshit.

Real or fake?

Don’t Judge a Gift by Its Box

Going right along with the good ol’ sapphire switch is the box switch. This is pretty elementary. Some girls are only concerned with where something comes from. For instance, simply seeing a Tiffany’s box will make some girls panties drop. They are so excited about the fancy wrapping that they forget to notice the jenky piece of tinfoil inside. That new heart pendant necklace of yours? It’s bullshit.

Table for Two

Have you ever received an invitation to a group dinner from a guy you know only to show up and find that it is a quiet cozy table for two? Weird. Everyone canceled last minute! Hate when that happens. Congrats, you get to spend the next ninety plus minutes coming up with small talk for a “date” you didn’t agree to. So next time you’re invited to dinner “with a bunch of friends?” It’s bullshit.

Step Into My Cubicle

Wow, your bf sure does spend a lot of time on his Blackberry! Don’t worry though! He’s really just doing work. Very, very important work that MUST be addressed during your romantic dinner date. How is he going to be able to take you to nice places and afford you all these luxuries if he doesn’t work so hard? Jen, Julie, and Jessica are all just girls he works with. Don’t worry!! Next time your man explains why his Bberry needs to accompany your crudite on the table? Check, please. It’s bullshit.

Destination Unknown

So, your man informs you that he’s going on a little weekend trip with his buddies. Where are they going? Golf trip to Palm Springs? Ski trip in Utah? No, no, wine tasting in Vermont. Wait. What? Is your man gay? If he’s not, this is code (read: red alert) that he and his buddy are taking a trip with some ladies… who aren’t you. Some quiet bonding time with the fellas in Catalina? It’s bullshit.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

The new box of condoms, the strand of hair that is neither your color nor length, the random pink toothbrush, and the Fage yogurt in the fridge is not his maid’s, his sister’s, his friend Paul’s or his. Guys forget how observant we, as women, are. I remember noticing that Scrabble had been moved from its normal spot on the shelf when I had been out of town. Some other bitch was spelling words and spilling wine. Oops! If it’s not yours and he doesn’t even have a sister… It’s bullshit.

So, if your man presents you with one of the above scenarios, kindly pat him on the head, ask him to try again, and let him know this isn’t your first time at the rodeo.

xx,

WhyDid

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** Warning: R rated material. Dad, you probably wanna go ahead and skip this one.

So, I’ve had full on arguments about this before. Guys are apparently clueless when it comes to the female anatomy and the big O. I’ve been so annoyed that I’ve literally had to hang up the phone or leave the room. Guys sure do have a lot of nerve thinking they know more about what’s going on with our equipment than we do.

What’s the problem you ask? It seems that most guys out there think that we ladies are coming left and right when having sex. Au contraire mon frere. Just because we make a squeak or a sigh here and there does not mean that you’ve just hit our jackpot. If you did, trust me, you’d know. Don’t believe me? (of course you don’t). Here are the facts:

About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone — that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. – ABC News

Read it and weep, fellas. Just intercourse alone isn’t going to do the trick for most ladies. We need a little extra attention in our nether regions to get things going. And don’t you DARE look at us like it’s our fault when the fountain doesn’t overflow. I’ve had a guy legitimately ask me if I’m just not capable like I’m the one with the problem. This proves to be very frustrating for women. We don’t want to disappoint you, but at the same time, we don’t want to be disappointed either. It’s a team effort, folks. The sooner guys come to terms with this, the sooner we’ll all be satisfied customers.

I have a couple of girlfriends who are in that freaky percentage of women who can get off from good ol’ fashion sex (lucky bitches), but as for the rest, they’ve either had to incorporate some helpful toys or become incredibly vocal about what exactly is or isn’t working.

That being said, I’ve met plenty of guys who are under the impression that ALL of the girls they’ve been with have been screaming their praises. Guess what all those girls were? Liars. Big. Fat. Liars. Hey, girls? Why are you faking it? You gals are totes effing things up for the rest of us. Now, Mr. Hotshot thinks he knows what he’s doing and I’m suffering through some wonktastic jackrabbit sex…Again. Ugh.

I’m hoping this will clear the air while simultaneously deflating a few egos leading us all to a much more fulfilling sex life. For the time being, I’m probs just better off with my pal, rabbit.

Happy Hump Day!

xx,

WhyDid

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Hey- this one’s for you, guys. Yeah, I know there are guys sneaking on and reading this. Don’t act like you’re not.  It’s come to my attention that a lot of you have diarrhea of the mouth and are scaring the ladies off before you even get a chance to ask for those digits. Since, the weather is starting to get nice and the ladies are coming out of hiding, I’m going to give you a few pointers so that you don’t spend your summer sad and lonely.

Here are a few things that are sure to get a fork in your eye if you utter them to your lady friend:

• “Don’t you know who I am?’ – Well, sir, if you have to actually ask, no, I don’t know who you are (nor do I really care).
• “You look tired.” – This is basically the same thing as telling us that we look like shit. Smooth move.
• “Is that what you’re wearing?” – Don’t. Just don’t. The only man who’s allowed to say this to us is our gay bff.
• “Are you going to eat all that?” – Um, don’t mind if I do. Wasn’t aware I was on Celebrity Fit Club. This is the fastest way to give your gf an eating disorder and some serious insecurities.
• “How many people have you been with?” – Why don’t you go ahead and mind your business? You’re never going to get an honest answer… just like we’re never going to get one from you. So just leave it alone.
• “I forgot my wallet.” SHUT UP. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
• “She’s just a friend.” Liar. You may as well carry a fire extinguisher with you, cause you’re pants are on FIRE.
• And last but, most definitely not least: Don’t make false promises. Girls, as my friend, JT would say, “Don’t give up the ass until you see the cash.” Pretty wise advice. In my few years living in NY, I’ve been promised a record deal (um, not kidding), vacations, presents, jobs, etc. I’ve seen about a 5% return on these. (Obvi the record deal never happened seeing as my singing voice resembles that of a cat getting neutered). Fellas, don’t offer it up unless you’re ready to deliver. Ladies, there is NO such thing as a free lunch.

So, the next time you feel the onslaught of verbal suicide, just refer to these guidelines to save yourself from a lifetime of solitude.

xx,

WhyDid

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