Update This

So, as I was perusing Facebook on my Blackberry last night while I waited for my girlfriend to return from the bathroom, I became irate. I think people are abusing the right to “update” their “status.” This very same topic made “the list” not so long ago and it seems that some of you did not get the point. Here is just a small sampling of the updates that I encountered:

• HAPPY!!
• Many things.
• Ugh.
• I haven’t been up this late in a long time. Thanks, coffee!!
• has anxiety.
• Alright, world. I’m ready for you.
• lazy Sunday!!
• Hahahahaha…. just giggly
• LALALALALALALALA
• yay
• i <3 mamosas
• BORED
• bored… so I’m off to tan.
• laying in bed
• is excited
• so tired.
• Charmed&Dangerous! XO
• Is so so so sad.. Thought it was my turn to be happy??????
• It’s party day!
• It’s going to be a crazy day….crazy crazy crazy!!
• is St. Tropez.
• easier said than done….. coulda woulda shoulda..

Apologies if one of those is yours. Upon reading these to my friend, a cleanse of my Facebook friends was strongly suggested. While a few were certainly sacrificed, I figured I’d give some status update pointers before ridding my account of the rest of you Facebook status spammers.

1. Spellcheck, spellcheck, spellcheck. That little red line under the word you just typed is trying to tell you something. Another rule of thumb? Don’t use words that you can’t spell.
2. If you are on Facebook, we already know that you’re probably bored. No need to broadcast it.
3. A half assed coy “happy” or “excited” post is bullshit. No one likes a tease. Either spill the beans o or don’t.
4. Don’t forget to remove the “is.” You are a not a city, a country, or an emotion.
5. Broadcasting your personal problems is what therapy is for. No one on your friends list is that interested. If you need help, call a professional.
6. I don’t care what you had for breakfast and neither do your 300 other “friends.”
7. Facebook is not meant for bragging about how great your life is. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?
8. You are not Eminem. Quoting song lyrics is unnecessary. I get it, you’re feeling exactly like Christina Aguilera did when she wrote the lyrics to her last ballad- except she didn’t write it. Her producer did. Shut up. No one cares.
9. I do not need a play by play of your schedule. Facebook is not a Post-it. If you need a reminder, write yourself a note.
10. Before you post, ask yourself, “Would I give a shit if someone else wrote this?”

xx,

WhyDid

The List Volume X

Where, oh, where does the time go? Seems like I was just detailing the things that make my blood boil and skin crawl… yet, here we are again.

1. Dropping red nail polish in your bathroom, shattering it, and “re-decorating” in the process.
2. People who talk on their cell phones at the gym. I mean, I text but that’s tooootally different… right?
3. Re-runs.
4. Harem pants. Give it up, already.
5. Back fat. (And apparently I’m not alone in this). 
6. Humidity. Heat is one thing, but now  you’re messing with my hair. We have problems.
7. Pigeons. In all contexts.
8. Cleaned out my closet the other day… Look who I found hiding in there:
9. Have we forgotten about that pesky lil’ oil spill thingy?
10. Lebron James… really?

Until next time…

xx,

WhyDid

You Can’t Have It All

While soaking in the sun (and some rose) poolside at Soho House last week, I was startled to see some really horrific footwear that nearly killed my blissfully happy buzz.

WTF?  I’m sorry, what does one call these? Are they flip flops? Are they socks? Flip socks? I’m confused. Is it hot out? Is it cold out? Did you forget to shave your ankles? Do you have cankles? What is the problem? Please tell me.

You know you aren’t supposed to wear socks with sandals, so why are you trying to break the rules? Would you wear these?

Didn’t think so. The only time I can think these might even be useful are while running home after a pedicure so as not to smudge those freshly lacquered tootsies. But then again… I’D JUST WEAR FLIP FLOPS.  Too cold for flip flops? Then WEAR SHOES. Real shoes. Not these hybrid foot freakshows. (Pretty sure a similar pair made my frightening footwear roundup).

Pick a side. Are you wearing socks or are you wearing flip flops? You can’t have it all.

xx,

WhyDid

The List Volume VI

Thank goodness we have a long weekend… cause it sure has been a long week.

1. The poles with buttons you are supposed to push to cross the street. They’re bullshit. Nothing ever happens. They’re just there to make you think they care.
2. People who bump/bodyslam into you on the street and don’t apologize. We aren’t doing tackle drills. Relax.
3. Men in bandanas. The only men who can pull off  bandanas are Smitty and Bret Michaels:
4. Smacking trees and other inanimate objects when running. Is this a Foursquare check in I didn’t know about?
5. Office birthday cake. I don’t even wanna celebrate with you, so don’t judge me when I don’t indulge in your shitty cake. If I’m gonna splurge, it’s going to be on Strip House’s Famous Chocolate Cake.
6. Katy Perry’s new song, California Gurls. A) you spelled it wrong. B) it sucks. C) No, it’s not cause I’m biased.
7. Shrapnel that flies off the streets of NY rendering me blind and incidentally causing me to be one of the jerks who doesn’t know how to walk properly on the sidewalk.
8. Parents who make their kids wear Crocs. Just cause you ruined your life doesn’t mean you should ruin theirs.
9. Twitter. I think I’m over you. Apparently, no one cares what I have to say (seeing as I have the same # of followers as I did in 2008) and it really hurts my feelings when someone “unfollows” me. Did I say something to offend you?
10. Jesse James. Shut. Up.

Enjoy the holiday, kiddos. Don’t forget your sunscreen and headphones to block out the incessant babble of those around you.

xx,

WhyDid

The List Volume IV

1. Basketball Wives. Are you guys still talking?
2. Smoking. You wanna eff up your lungs? Go for it. Making my hair and clothes stink? Now we’ve got a problem.
3. Two finger typing. There’s a class for that.
4. Jessica Simpson for OH so many reasons. Not even a cameo on Entourage is gonna make you cool, girlfriend.
5. Rachel Uchitel’s vajayjay. Aren’t you tired?
6. Class rings. (Thanks for pointing this out, GBF). I don’t believe I ever even got one, so why are you still wearing yours? No need to wear your resume on your ring finger, unless, of course, it’s a 5 carat Harry Winston.
7. Fighting over a boy. Um, Kate, Cammy? He cheated on his wife with a stripper. You really wanna throw ‘bows over this one?
8. Snooze button. You’re ruining my life.
9. Gulf Oil Spill (again). Um, come up with any solutions yet guys? Or are we planning a big fish fry I didn’t know about?
10. The tween boy hair flip. I love that little Greyson guy (who doesn’t?) and we’ve all got Bieber fever, but is that hair toss necessary? Looks like a mild case of tourettes…

xx,

WhyDid

The List, Volume III

I mean, I think it’s all of our favorite time of the week… THE list. Did you make the cut?

1. Brandy aka Bran’Nu. Are you kidding me? Stop. It.
2. Humidity. Not good for my weave.
3. Acrylic nails. Are we still doing that?
4. Boys with highlights. Let’s swap spit, not hair products.
5. Katy Perry’s light up dress. Talk about a waste of energy.
6. Jennifer Lopez’s publicist. She’s doing a great job. Good for J.Lo, bad for us.
7. Pretty Wild. How did this show not get canceled after the first episode? And why do I not have a show? I can swing from a pole too, you know.
8. Car bombs. How DARE you try to blow up our fair city.
9. People who tuck their pants into their sandals. WTF??!!
10. Being uninformed. If you’ve got 30 minutes for The Hills, you’ve got 30 minutes to at least scan the newspaper. Nothing better than beauty + brains.

Have a great weekend – and pick up the Sunday Times…

xx,

WhyDid

The List

1. People comparing Christina Aguilera to Lady Gaga. Love Gags, but Xtina has been around for over ten years. Come on. No one’s re-inventing the wheel here.
2. April showers. I better see a LOT of May flowers with the kind of nonsense you threw at us, April.
3. The Zegerid OTC commercial. I don’t need to see your pudgy white chest. Ever. Got heartburn just watching it. Clever marketing.
4. Tyra Banks’ jumpsuits.
5. Tyra Banks.
6. People’s inability to use the sidewalk efficiently. Again, can someone please write an etiquette book on this?
7. Oil spills. Ever see a Dawn commercial? Not cool.
8. Cramps. One of the many joys of being a woman.
9. The man in the purple velvet blazer who tried to pick me up off the street. See this face? Not interested.
10. The German Shepard down the hall who licks his lips every time he sees Smitty. He’s not a snack, Kujo. Slow your roll.

Happy Friday!

xx,

WhyDid

You’re On My List

So, Kingsley did it. I’ve done it before. Today, I will do it again. Just a few things that annoyed me this week.

1. Kate Gosselin’s weave.
2. Volcanoes. I mean, really? We have things to do and you’re totes effing up our sched.
3. Bathroom attendants. I don’t need your help pumping the soap and no, you don’t deserve a dollar for it.
4. Molly Sims. No reason necessary.
5. People who talk to me when I’ve clearly got headphones on. I’m obvi trying to avoid all communication with you. Get it?
6. iPads. Still don’t get it.
7. The Millionaire Matchmaker reunion show. Reunion shows are bullshit.
8. Cellulite. I wanna know the male equivalent. Balding?
9. SJP’s Vogue cover. Why does she look 24? She’s 40+ and we know it.
10. Shrimp.

Okay, that’s all… for this week.

xx,

WhyDid

A Sign of the Times

Oh, I’m sorry, does someone have a voodoo doll with my name on it?  I mean, I’m just wondering since I recently discovered the world’s worst invention- EVER.  Obviously, someone just wants to make me suffer from severe fits of anxiety.  Basically, if leggings as pants and True Religions got together and had a baby it would be this:

Oh, you think I’m kidding? I wish:

Are you f’ing kidding me??  It’s the spawn of satan.  Are you SO lazy that you actually need your jeans and your pajamas to be one in the same?  Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t even bother to shower after rolling out of bed this morning? I mean, what’s the point? You’re obviously already dressed! To me, this is a sign of how lazy and impatient our society has become.  What happened to taking pride in our appearance? This is just encouraging people to continue stuffing their faces (these puppies stretch, after all) and not care how the rest of the world perceives them. Remember this lady?

No? How about her?

They are rolling over somewhere in their graves. No proper lady would ever wear synthetic fake jeans to sleep in and then wear them out in public.  So why would you? Just saying…

xx,

WhyDid

Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Leggings, leggings as pants, Pajama Jeans, True Religion, voodoo doll

A Few Things…

So clearly, I have had a bit of extra time on my hands these days.  This has gven me the opportunity to conjure up some deep thoughts…

• Did I NOT get the memo that cowboy boots are making a comeback?  I remember hussing around Manhattan in tiny short shorts and cowboy boots circa 2005, but that was courtesy of the Dukes of Hazard remake (you have NO idea how much it hurts me to give Jessica Simpson credit for anything). Anyway, I’ve seen more than a couple young ladies strutting the streets wearing cowboy boots recently.  Now that summer finally arrived and temperatures are nearing the 90’s, there’s nothing I’m less interested in sticking my foot in than a bulky leather boot. P-U.  For the record, the original Daisy (Catherine Bach) didn’t even wear cowboy boots.

Now that’s how short shorts are done!

• I keep seeing this commercial for Maybelline’s SuperStay 24 Hour Makeup. Um, really?  I personally do not wear foundation because I don’t like it, but for the life of me I can not understand why anyone needs to have their makeup stay on their face for 24 CONSECUTIVE HOURS!!! Ever heard of letting your skin breathe?  Facewash? Acne?

• Dear Carrie Bradshaw- I just rewatched the Sex and the City movie with my mom last night (don’t judge me) and I have a bone to pick with you.  Other than the fact that you all overacted your characters, you also gave girls across the country “false hope.” Remember when your sweet sweet assistant Louise (from St. Louis) reminded you to go grab your $450 Manolo’s from the apartment before they changed the locks? And you corrected her that they were $525?  Um, well… girls around the globe probably saved up their funds in hopes of slipping on these shoes and finding their own Mr. Big… until they got to the store and the shoes were actually $945!!!

Whew! I feel better.

xx,

WhyDid